Wednesday, September 7, 2011


Inside her body there is no calm
It is just a jar
She wears her silence like a sheet
masquerading as a peaceful ghoul
the heavens look pinpricked
she dials her miss america smile
and all the while she just peels
her screams stretched for miles
sleep/never is there refuge in sleep/silent sleep
just white hot hurricanes
searching for a space to rest
swallowing sleeping pills
begging chemicals to arrest
all sense - she says
i know what waits for me on the other side of those gauzy waves
that ominous cliff
i don't know why i didn't die that day
not really alive - just a mind full of spots
deep black i fall into with no face
sleep/never is there refuge in sleep/silent sleep
she runs out of herself down hallways

only to find she's still lying still


Future Visioning

Since we have been at my parents, I sit at the piano... and after scales and arpeggios... I realize I’ve been playing circles of chords and letting myself improvise all over the place.
I haven’t had the chance to do this for a long time. All these parts of myself are coming back to life. I’ve been feeling those shivers that go up your spine when something is channeling through you. It has nothing to do with anything going on in my head. It’s total freedom. There are no critics, no pressures, no rules, no image, no boundaries.

I want to stay in that space for as long as I can and see what comes out of it. I wanna get a stack of cassettes for my old tape recorder and ‘freewrite’ onto them all.  ut, I’m not going to be precious about these ideas. I’m going to try to push myself further than I’ve gone before, because it feels good. It feels real. It's something just for myself.
I’m not trying to be a character or be like one of my idols or fit myself in a preconceived niche somewhere. I just want to do something that feels very real, and this is that thing! The thing about that is that it is not something you can pre-define. I’ll have to give up control... give myself up to the energy.

On another note, I was talking to a friend the other day about ‘future visioning’. I think it’s the key to keeping myself on the right track. I have to keep a future vision of myself in mind. The *ideal.* Who I want to be in 10 - 20 years. I think if I keep that clearly in my head my decisions will automatically go forward in that direction, even subconsciously. It also helps keep me grounded in atmospheres where I could be pushed or pulled off of my track.
When writing this future vision nothing is off limits. Nothing is out of reach. To reach anything is just a succession of small steps. A declaration of intent is the first step.
I almost listed all my future visions here but I think it’s too personal to openly declare. But I do have a very clear picture of where I am going.
Back when I was younger and in recovery I first heard of this future visioning thing. Now years later and after having kept my recovery for a long stretch of time I have learned this is a key element: how you picture yourself and your future affects everything you do.

If you don’t feel you deserve a bright future - or a great relationship - or to achieve your goals - you won’t. It’s the perfect breeding ground for addictions when you think negatively. If there is no future then who cares about the present.. etc.
The future - what do you look like? who are you with? where are you? where have you been? what are you doing? what have you done? do you have family? are you married? are you on a boat? are you in europe? what have you created? where are you living? who is in your life? what kind of a person are you? how are you helping the people around you? do you have children? do you have animals? where do you vacation? what do you eat? what skills do you have? how do people who are close to you feel about you? are you living at your full potential? are you still indulging your imagination? who is the person you are in a relationship with? What qualities do they have? are you a good lover? can people come to you with their problems? etc.
If you think of your future self as someone you will be - you start to act as if you are that person - eventually that is what you are.
When I’m trying to push myself I feel very uncomfortable. When I’m trying to change and do something better I always feel off kilter. If you are trying to get somewhere great many of the steps that lead you there are terrifying, disappointing, and you doubt if you are good enough to be even trying, or if you have anything great to share with the world, or who cares?, or hasn’t everything been done already, etc. but I just try to shut those voices out and keep focused on my vision of the future.

Never stop creating because you feel everything has already ‘been done’. There has never been another you. It is your unique point of view.

Monday, August 15, 2011


Today has been a GREAT day. I stayed up late last night, reading a few different books that my brother and sister gave me. I woke up this morning with a sense of contentment that I haven't felt in a long time.

Opening up and talking about my issues has really helped me to process them. Sharing my struggles with other people and opening up the channels of loving exchange has allowed me to view myself through someone elses eyes, and to view my situation from a different perspective. It's an amazing gift to have such kind, caring, and understanding friends in my life.

Drinking aside... I have so many other things going on right now! Frank is working his butt off down in Fort Worth. He is like the energizer bunny!! He works, sleeps, work, sleeps. He loves it though :) He was born to be a railroader. He is supposed to call me tonight when he gets off the train. We have much to discuss.

The main thing we have to talk about is the fact that I REALLY dont want to move to Fort Worth. I REALLLLLY don't. I have a list of reasons.

1.) It's too far away from Derby.
2.) I would never see Frank... and I would be on my own.
3.) We shouldnt be moving the kids around so much.
4.) It's TEXAS... and I'm a Liberal Democrat. (Ha)
5.) I enjoy all that being in Derby has to offer.
6.) There is more to life than money.

The list goes on and on! Also, Trey is getting ready to start school at Tanglewood. He has a male teacher this year, which is such a blessing! Trey responds better to male authority figures. I have a feeling that it's going to be a great year! Most of his little football buddies are in his class, and I have already had a very positive experience with his teacher. It's such a shame to jerk Trey out of school and move him again.

I can understand from a financial standpoint why Frank would want to stay in Fort Worth. If he pushes the transfer through and comes up here to Wichita, he loses all of the seniority he has gained since he started working for UP. That means he would be the low man on the pole... and at risk of getting bumped or being out of work. That's a large risk to take when we have financial responsibilities. We are not for certain that he would end up being bumped or without work, but it COULD happen. Hell, it COULD happen anywhere. That is the nature of the railroad.

Frank holds seniority down in Fort Worth, so he is secure in his position. He is working so much that he is making more money than I thought possible (to be honest.) For a guy without a college degree to be pulling in 80K a year... that's impressive and hard to come by. Having him give that up to move up here where we'd have to live with the lack of job security seems ridiculous, but like I said, there is more to life than money.

In talking with him tonight we have to figure out where we are going and what we are doing. If we stay here and he goes ahead with the transfer, I have to find us somewhere to live. It's not that i dont LOVE my parents (ha), but living here is making me feel like I'm in high school again. It's not healthy. I haven't jumped on finding a place because we are so up in the air about what is going to happen with the job situation.

I also need to find the girls a preschool/program to attend. The MDO in Mulvane wont call me back -grumble- and it was the only one that I found that was the same quality and had the same program type as what the girls are used to. Looks like it will be back to the drawing board for momma. I think it's important to get them into something so they can interact with other kids their age and learn some basics. Eisley WILL be going to Faith Lutheran 3 year old preschool next year. Emery WILL follow when she turns 3. I value early education. It makes a huge difference.

Well, that is all I really have for today. Like I said, it's been a good day. My blog entries yesterday were kind of dark and serious. I am not going to sugar coat anything... because that's not my style. I am going through some dark and serious things in my life right now. It feels good to talk about it, though.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

not drinking.

I had a great chat with my brother this evening after dinner. We sat out on the front porch and opened up the lines of communication regarding the struggles I am facing right now.

I am struggling. I am struggling to sit still. I am struggling to make sense of the chaos that has become my life as of late. I am struggling to quiet the noise inside of my head. I am struggling to find myself. I am struggling to stay away from drinking and to ignore the urge to throw myself into situations where I can pretend to be someone I'm not.

I'm like a balloon. If someone isn't there to hold my string... I simply float away! I feel like no one is holding my string. I feel as if I am floating away, no direction... no plan... no structure or stability. I feel confused and distracted. I have 1,000 different things pulling me in 1,000 different directions, and I have allowed the stress to lead me back to a place where I give in to my addictive nature.

I have always struggled with addiction in one form or another. Luckily I have moved past my addiction to substances, and now I only struggle with alcohol. I drank for the first time when I was 14. I think I've always known that I didn't handle alcohol like other people. I would usually behave manically... crying one second and laughing the next. I always drank TOO much / more than other people. I always had such AWFUL hangovers... more so than my friends. I found myself going to extreme lengths to drink... and being dishonest about my drinking.

After all of the negative experiences I have had throughout my lifetime... why would I choose to keep putting myself in situations where I continue to have negative experiences? When I start thinking about getting drunk, why can't I just squash the idea and move past it? Why do I validate my drinking and make excuses for it, when I know that I am only validating and making excuses? Why do I drink when I know that the next day I am going to feel like I was run over by a bus? Why do I drink when I know I am going to feel guilty and mentally punish myself for it? Why do I choose drinking over being at home with my kids at night, when there is nothing in the world more important to me than my kids?! Why do I do this to myself?!

The answer to all of those questions is "because I am an alcoholic." I may not drink every day, but I have an obvious problem. I have the brain and body chemistry of an alcoholic, and if I dont stop now, Lord knows where I will end up. I am an addict. I am powerless. I have decided to follow the AA program, work the steps, and devote myself to sobriety. It may sound cliche and ridiculous, but it has worked wonders for John. I have seen the changes that have come about in his life, and the joy that freedom from addiction can bring to someone. I am ready to make a change and to stick with it. John is going to be my sponsor and work with me through this process.

The last month I have been going out drinking frequently. Even before we moved back here, the last few times I visited I spent an ample amount of time at the bar. This last month I have noticed that regardless of the AMOUNT that I drink, the next day is always very tough for me. My body aches, I have the shakes, my muscles twitch, I break out into a cold sweat, etc. It has progressively gotten worse with each incident. The hangover has gone from being a hangover to being torture. Medically that is a sign of the disease of alcoholism. I have also had episodes where I dont remember hours at a time while drinking. I am fearful that if I keep heading down the path I am on currently, I will find myself in a place I don't want to be.

I am going to go to two meetings a week... and invest myself in ACTIVELY staying away from alcohol. I feel a sense of comfort knowing that my brother is going to walk beside me in this journey and share his wealth of knowledge with me. John and I have struggled with a lot of the same issues. I have faith that he can help me in ways that I need to be helped.

I have also come to realize that drinking isnt the only issue I need to face. My life is full of them at the moment. If I dont start to take care of myself (both physically and emotionally) I am going to eventually break. I owe it to myself, my husband, and my children to be the BEST that I can be, and to healthy both in body and mind. Eliminating alcohol will be a step in the right direction, and hopefully will lead me toward breakthroughs in other areas of my life as well.


I have not been successful in not drinking. It's unfortunate. I feel defeated and powerless, and it's very humbling and REAL.

Am I an alcoholic? Sometimes it’s hard to even ask that question of myself. I remember when I first realized there was a problem many years ago, I didn’t want to use that word. It made me cringe. It still does.

The biggest barrier I am facing regarding "recovery" and choosing to stay away from booze all together is finding that FULL acceptance that me and alcohol are better off without each other. I will believe it completely one day, and the next day I am right back to wanting to go out. *sigh*

Someone close to me told me "to avoid the definitions when you are trying to figure out if you need help!" People still like to think of an alcoholic as only the person who wakes up in the morning shaking so they have a shot of booze in their OJ to settle the shakes. Nothing could be further from the truth. I was reading some literature my sister brought over for me today, and there was a sentence that stuck with me. "If when you drink alcohol, bad things happen, you’ve got a problem!"

I have heard a lot about the woman in New York who killed herself, her daughter, and three nieces, as well as two people in another vehicle while driving the wrong way on the highway while drunk. Her family doesn’t believe she was an alcoholic. Maybe it’s just the label. This was certainly someone who had a problem with drinking.

It’s likely she didn’t drink all the time – didn’t fit that traditional myth of what an alcoholic is. Maybe she only drank on the weekends, or when on outings. But when she drank, she DRANK. Sounds all too familiar.

I am a binge drinker... and from what I understand, binge drinkers are a tough lot to crack – because we often think that since we only get drunk once in a while, we don't have a problem. I am guilty of tricking myself into believing that lie... but when I ask myself that question: when you drink, do bad things happen – I have my answer.

Bad things happen when I drink... so I am going to forget the labels for now – and just deal with the problem.

Since we've been in Derby, I fight with myself NIGHTLY regarding whether I should stay in or go out. I spend hours convincing myself to go against my better judgement. I know, deep down, that I have not made wise choices, and that I will continue to make unwise choices if I continue to go out and consume alcohol.

 You would think that I would be able to exhibit some self control... and that, in being an adult, be able to learn from experience and make choices accordingly. I am frustrated with myself for struggling with this as much as I am, and for allowing myself to slip backwards instead of making great strides forward.

My life is a whirlwind currently. My husband is gone, we have no set plan for the future, we have nowhere to live. I am not sure if we are going to stay in Derby or move to Fort Worth. I am not sure when we will all be together again! I feel restless and confused... and I honestly feel like I am behaving like a teenager, and that is NOT who I am.

My brother is coming over tonight to talk. He has two years of sobriety and has struggled with a lot of the same issues I am dealing with. I am going to surround myself with positive influences and do the BEST I can to ground myself, center myself, and do what I need to do to be happy and healthy. All I can do is take it one day at a time. Tonight I will go to bed and rest... and wake up tomorrow ready to face the day and all it will bring.

Saturday, August 13, 2011


Wow, so much happened yesterday that I am not even sure where to begin. I will start off by saying that i am enjoying blogging every day. It feels good to do something for myself. I dont really care if anyone reads it or takes any active interest in what I have to say, but sitting here with my fingers on the keyboard... pouring out whatever comes into my mind... feels liberating and is rather therapeutic.

Anyway, yesterday was quite the day. The kids all seemed to get out of bed on the wrong foot. Everyone was cranky and tired. We managed to make it through the early morning in one piece, but by the time 11:00 rolled around, it was DEFINITELY time for naps. I have been having a hard time keeping Eisley in the bedroom for nap time because she has figured out how get in and out (even WITH the toddler proof doorknobs.)

I put the girls down and sat beside the door until I was sure they were sleeping. I figured this was the best solution to the problem. I went downstairs to do the dishes... and after 10 minutes I heard the pitter-patter of little feet running around upstairs. Upon inspection, I found that Eisley had gotten into the bathroom and eaten an entire bottle of Children's Chewable Tylenol (80mg.)

I called poison control, her pediatrician, and anyone else I could think of. Needless to say I was totally freaking out. Come to find out it wasn't enough of a dose to be toxic or damage her liver, but it WAS enough to possibly make her sick.

In all of the commotion, it somehow escaped me that she had ALSO found scissors and butchered her hair. She cut off at least 4 inches in the back in a few places, chopped off quite a bit on the top, and cut down to the scalp in the front. *sigh* Luckily Mort was able to fit us in and fashion an ADORABLE little bob cut out of the mess. Super sassy.

While we were there, however, Eisley managed to throw a full-on temper tantrum... complete with kicking, screaming, crying, thrashing around, and near hyperventilation. Mort took it all in stride and was a good sport. By the time we left, Eisley was worn out and ready to crash, and so was I!!

When we got home, the girls were pretty much ready for bed, considering they didn't nap and had spent the day on a mission to drive their mother crazy. After a few hours of sleep Eisley woke up and puked everywhere. She went back to sleep, only to wake up and puke everywhere a second time. Poor thing finally got back to bed for good, hydrated to the hilt by Pedialite.

This morning everyone seems to be feeling much better. Eisley is up to no good and is her usual ornery self. Trey had to go do some community service with his football team bright and early, and then is headed over to the varsity/JV scrimmage at Panther Stadium with a friend. Emery seems to just be going along for the ride. She is such a sweet puddin. In the midst of the chaos she is usually the calm.

Frank called last night and let me know that UP has plans of furloughing many of the Wichita / Oklahoma employees at the end of the season. When the weather is cold, they cut back on work. That doesnt bode well for his transfer up to Wichita. Frank has also tasted the fruit of Fort Worth... with the fabulous pay, tons of hours, and the company of all of the guys he trained with. I have a feeling that our little family is eventually going to end up down there... (but that's a blog post all in itself.)

Hoping today is a little less stressful! Tonight we are having dinner at my brother's house for my parents 40th wedding Anniversary. Got a sitter for the kiddos so that we can enjoy the evening in the company of adults for once!

Friday, August 12, 2011


It's the start of another beautiful day. I am going to go ahead and repeat that one more time, in hopes that in repeating it I can somehow will it to be. "It's the start of another beautiful day!"

*Yawn!* I am super tired this morning. It seems that I always require more sleep than my children. I guess that is how it's SUPPOSED to work, but I sure wish it wasn't. If they would only sleep in until maybe 8:30am, I would be a happy camper! 7:00am is just too early, darnit!

Yesterday my two youngest kiddos were terrors. Eisley has learned how to work the toddler-proof doorknobs that we have been using the last year to keep her out of things and to keep her contained. It's unfortunate. It was hard to maintain order before, but now it's near impossible.

I welcome challenges as a parent. I expect challenges! It means I have critical thinkers, problem solvers, and highly intellectual children. Lol. On a completely serious note, I do firmly believe that my kids are bright kids. They never cease to amaze me. On more than one occasion I have taken a step back and asked myself "where on Earth did they learn THAT" or "I can't believe they figured THAT out!" It makes for some long days and some high blood pressure, however.

We are still working on potty training with Miss Eisley. It has been weeks since we have a tinkle accident, but we can't seem to get the poo in the potty. *Sigh* I am at the end of the my rope with it. I am hoping that she will eventually figure it out! Emery seems that she is interested in potty training as well. It would be quite the trip if Emery ended up mastering it before her sister. I really dont care in what order it gets done, but I am sick to death of poop, and I can't wait to not have to worry about it anymore!

I spoke with Frank last night and it seems as if he is going to be working down in Fort Worth for a while. The transfer and all of the paperwork/training it takes to get up to Wichita will take a while. It might even be the first of 2012. Being apart that long will SUCK, but the money he will be making in the meantime makes up for it. (slightly.)

Since the kids and I arrived here in town, I have been on a mission to try and find somewhere for us to live (naturally.) It was my intention to have somewhere nailed down by the 1st of September. After much consideration and in talking with frank, we have decided it may be in our best interest to take a month or two to look for the right place, and to save save SAVE. We have some things we would like to pay off and it would be nice to grow a good sized financial cushion before we take on anything new. 

Since the kids and I have the chance to stay with my parents (which means no money going out the door every month for rent and utilities), that easily saves us upwards of $2,000 in a two month time period. Can't argue with that. Plus I dont want to rush into signing a years lease on a place i am not in love with. We made this mistake with Blanchard and our current apartment.

Any way, my computer is acting funny lately. It took me WAY too long to type this since my cursor kept putting me in different places and deleting what i typed. Hmmm. I am going to run a virus scan and pray that it fixes it. I have also been having issues with facebook. *Grumble!* I guess I will just have to wait and see.