A Mother's Prayer for It's Child by Tina Fey.
“First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither the Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.
May she be Beautiful but not damaged, for it’s the damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.
When the Crystal Meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half and stick with beer.
Guide her, protect her when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.
Lead her away from acting but not all the way to finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes and not have to wear high heels. What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.
May she play the drums to the fiery rhythm of her own heart with the sinewy strength of her own arms, so she need not lie with drummers.
Grant her a rough patch from twelve to seventeen.
Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, for childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.
O Lord, break the Internet forever, that she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers and the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.
And when she one day turns on me and calls me a "Bitch" in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into the car in front of her friends, for I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.
And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back. “My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a mental note to call me. And she will forget... but I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.
Amen."
-Tina Fey
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Friday, April 15, 2011
[what ya make it]
There once was a woman who woke up one morning and realized she only had three hairs left on the top of her head. She said, "Oh well, I guess today I will braid my hair!" She went on to have an awesome day.
The next day, the woman awoke and noticed she only had two hairs left on the top of her head. She said, "Oh well, I guess today I will part my hair down the middle!" She went on to have an amazing day.
The following morning, the woman woke up and noticed she only had one hair left on the top of her head. She said, "Oh well, I guess today I will wear a mohawk!" She went on to have a fantastic day.
The next morning she woke up and noticed she had no hairs left... she was bald. The woman said, "Oh well, I guess I don't have to worry about doing my hair today!" She went on to have the best day yet.
Life is what you make it :) Don't focus on what you don't have... but on all of the wonderful things you DO have.
The next day, the woman awoke and noticed she only had two hairs left on the top of her head. She said, "Oh well, I guess today I will part my hair down the middle!" She went on to have an amazing day.
The following morning, the woman woke up and noticed she only had one hair left on the top of her head. She said, "Oh well, I guess today I will wear a mohawk!" She went on to have a fantastic day.
The next morning she woke up and noticed she had no hairs left... she was bald. The woman said, "Oh well, I guess I don't have to worry about doing my hair today!" She went on to have the best day yet.
Life is what you make it :) Don't focus on what you don't have... but on all of the wonderful things you DO have.
[who i used to be]
A while ago I decided to delete my myspace account... only to realize that the email I used to create my myspace account is no longer active, and myspace won't allow me to delete the account without verifying the delete through my email. *Sigh* Needless to say, my myspace page is still up and running *even though I never update it or use it!*
Any way, I realized that i had roughly 150+ blog entries on that account, and in order to delete the blog entries, you have to go through and delete each one individually. Most of the entries are from between five to eight years ago. Last night I started reading through some of them, and it really gave me some perspective as to where I was then and where I am now. I am going to actually share something I wrote roughly 6 years ago (circa 2005.) -I apologize in advance for the profanity.-
"i have to let this out. i am feeling very angry today. im soaking in it. first of all... i am ripping out this death wish that i have been dragging beneath my teeth for years. my soul is telling me to get the fuck over myself and to stop romancing death. drop the shell out of my thought revolver. no bullshit. really. im asking myself what the fuck was i doing all this time wasting seconds on nonexisting when i have a million reasons to walk around in this sphere with my head up. im going to bounce myself out of my personal pity party... but in the process im totally questioning every heartstring being plucked right now. like a spiderweb that has been walked through... the remains hang limp and stuck together in unrecognizable clumps. i dont know who i am right now. unrecognizable when i close my eyelids. when i woke up in the middle of the night... i unwrapped my arms from around my pillow and sat in front of the mirror... and there i was. i stared. me. yesterdays mascara smeared. black circles. broken out. swollen. bed head. and i knew me for a minute. i eventually drifted back into dreamless sleep all alone. time clicks on and minutes are relieving.
I realize now that growing up is a strange thing. you can grow up suddenly in a space of a few days or slowly and steadily through a space of years. you never know. and when the change happens... you can never go back, nor would you want to. priorities change. values change. you start to want different things.
i made the decision several times throughout my younger years to make a change, but I usually always fell back onto old habits. I made the FINAL decision to head down a different life path around 5 years ago, and I realized then that what used to turn me on just didnt do it for me anymore. it wasn't that I was 'sick' of myself... it was actually the fact that I was learning how to LoVE myself. I was not so willing to throw myself into dangerous situations or damage myself to get somewhere i was not even sure i wanted to go. I'd had years of reckless abandon... but I got to a point that when i looked around me i recognized the demons and destruction. i'd gotten to know them first hand. i'd done the drugs. i'd thrown the punches. i was tired of the chaos that surrounded me and the constant static in my mind, and I was ready to fall in love with my life.
I learned who i was not anymore, who i didnt want to become, and what i really wanted for my future. It was no longer attractive to me to picture my life as a gypsy on the road with a broken heart... or some other bullshit that i read in a book that would kill my boredom. i wanted a much bigger life than that. What WAS important was that i stop worrying and enjoy my life again, the right way... and that i learn to have fun doing the things that i love to do. I finally figured out that life was too short to be living the way I had been living.
i was anxious and excited to redefine what i was doing and to begin the next phase of what i hoped to become a very big life filled with all of the things i cared about. i felt that in that moment that I was walking from one room to the next and shutting the door behind me... and the demons and mistakes and scars that were left in that room could no longer hurt me!
I retired the girl who woke up wondering where she was, still reeling from the night before. I retired the girl who put chemicals into her body and became so disconnected that the only way to ease the pain was to become more disconnected. I retired the girl who kept drama in her life so that she wouldnt have to feel anything. I retired the girl who played different characters in order to be what she thought people wanted. I retired the girl who gave herself to too many people who didnt deserve her. I retired the angry screaming terror. I retired the jaded girl who didnt believe in anything or anyone. I retired the girl who was careless with people and didnt take responsibility. I retired the girl who would destroy everything and leave everything in ruin. I left them behind.
*the wild wreck who slept in her makeup and had too many lovers and ran away faster than the gingerbread man... as if destruction were somehow glamorous. the darkly depressed girl who thought she was so much more complicated than anyone would ever understand. afraid of being plain. the fighter. the one that would burn you down. the one you didnt want to piss off. the one who survived anything. the razor sharp mouth. the anger. I didn't need them anymore...
my life became beautiful because i LET it be beautiful and i allowed it to happen... and i took all the good lessons of hard work, patience, passion, fire, and faith with me. i opened my heart to God, my family, my son, my self. I let beauty flow into me and I made the conscious decision to focus on all of things I should have been focussing on all along, and I forgave myself.
Roughly a year after I started doing the inventory on my life, I was reconnected with Frank, who I was friends with in highschool. I was in a place in my life that allowed me to experience love the way it should be experienced. Two hearts sharing the dream of raising a family and spending forever with one another. I owe a lot of my recent self-discovery to my wonderful husband. I love my franky lee for helping me to continue to see myself in such a positive light and for giving me the opportunity to NOT have to fight and to remember how to be peaceful and happy. (the right guy will always build you up and support you. only the shitheads will ask you to compromise yourself. trust me ive done my time in that jail cell.)
Sometimes it's good to look back and remember where I was. It's amazing to see the changes God has made in my life, and the changes I have made for myself. I will never forget where i came from, but my eyes are set on the present and the future... and the beauty of the life I am blessed to be living.
And here is a poem I wrote *circa 2004* just for good measure :) I think I might leave that old myspace blog up (at least until I can copy and paste everything. It's such a shame to see all of those thoughts and feelings be deleted forever.)
Any way, I realized that i had roughly 150+ blog entries on that account, and in order to delete the blog entries, you have to go through and delete each one individually. Most of the entries are from between five to eight years ago. Last night I started reading through some of them, and it really gave me some perspective as to where I was then and where I am now. I am going to actually share something I wrote roughly 6 years ago (circa 2005.) -I apologize in advance for the profanity.-
"i have to let this out. i am feeling very angry today. im soaking in it. first of all... i am ripping out this death wish that i have been dragging beneath my teeth for years. my soul is telling me to get the fuck over myself and to stop romancing death. drop the shell out of my thought revolver. no bullshit. really. im asking myself what the fuck was i doing all this time wasting seconds on nonexisting when i have a million reasons to walk around in this sphere with my head up. im going to bounce myself out of my personal pity party... but in the process im totally questioning every heartstring being plucked right now. like a spiderweb that has been walked through... the remains hang limp and stuck together in unrecognizable clumps. i dont know who i am right now. unrecognizable when i close my eyelids. when i woke up in the middle of the night... i unwrapped my arms from around my pillow and sat in front of the mirror... and there i was. i stared. me. yesterdays mascara smeared. black circles. broken out. swollen. bed head. and i knew me for a minute. i eventually drifted back into dreamless sleep all alone. time clicks on and minutes are relieving.
i love.
i love love.
i loved this love.
i love love
love.
i love love.
i loved this love.
i love love
love.
what i have realized is that it is time to ditch this self destruction. to not kill myself just because i can. i don't want to stay miserable because i know i am good at it. just because i can make a bigger mess of things doesnt mean i should sell my gold for mold. discard the priceless as if it were disposable. overlook the pearl and chase the neon lights. it takes a strong want to discard that kind of destruction. it takes courage to build something that i can lose. to love myself. to pass over the instant gratification for something that i really want to hope for. to look with compassion instead of picking the faults out. to live free. free from harm. not reckless. but a well orchestrated beautiful mess."
I have always been a passionate, spontaneous, and emotionally driven person. I haven't always made the best decisions, and i've been in some pretty dark places... but I attribute my ability to see things from different perspectives and to appreciate the beauty and light in things to the struggles and demons I faced when I was younger.
i made the decision several times throughout my younger years to make a change, but I usually always fell back onto old habits. I made the FINAL decision to head down a different life path around 5 years ago, and I realized then that what used to turn me on just didnt do it for me anymore. it wasn't that I was 'sick' of myself... it was actually the fact that I was learning how to LoVE myself. I was not so willing to throw myself into dangerous situations or damage myself to get somewhere i was not even sure i wanted to go. I'd had years of reckless abandon... but I got to a point that when i looked around me i recognized the demons and destruction. i'd gotten to know them first hand. i'd done the drugs. i'd thrown the punches. i was tired of the chaos that surrounded me and the constant static in my mind, and I was ready to fall in love with my life.
I learned who i was not anymore, who i didnt want to become, and what i really wanted for my future. It was no longer attractive to me to picture my life as a gypsy on the road with a broken heart... or some other bullshit that i read in a book that would kill my boredom. i wanted a much bigger life than that. What WAS important was that i stop worrying and enjoy my life again, the right way... and that i learn to have fun doing the things that i love to do. I finally figured out that life was too short to be living the way I had been living.
i was anxious and excited to redefine what i was doing and to begin the next phase of what i hoped to become a very big life filled with all of the things i cared about. i felt that in that moment that I was walking from one room to the next and shutting the door behind me... and the demons and mistakes and scars that were left in that room could no longer hurt me!
I retired the girl who woke up wondering where she was, still reeling from the night before. I retired the girl who put chemicals into her body and became so disconnected that the only way to ease the pain was to become more disconnected. I retired the girl who kept drama in her life so that she wouldnt have to feel anything. I retired the girl who played different characters in order to be what she thought people wanted. I retired the girl who gave herself to too many people who didnt deserve her. I retired the angry screaming terror. I retired the jaded girl who didnt believe in anything or anyone. I retired the girl who was careless with people and didnt take responsibility. I retired the girl who would destroy everything and leave everything in ruin. I left them behind.
*the wild wreck who slept in her makeup and had too many lovers and ran away faster than the gingerbread man... as if destruction were somehow glamorous. the darkly depressed girl who thought she was so much more complicated than anyone would ever understand. afraid of being plain. the fighter. the one that would burn you down. the one you didnt want to piss off. the one who survived anything. the razor sharp mouth. the anger. I didn't need them anymore...
my life became beautiful because i LET it be beautiful and i allowed it to happen... and i took all the good lessons of hard work, patience, passion, fire, and faith with me. i opened my heart to God, my family, my son, my self. I let beauty flow into me and I made the conscious decision to focus on all of things I should have been focussing on all along, and I forgave myself.
Roughly a year after I started doing the inventory on my life, I was reconnected with Frank, who I was friends with in highschool. I was in a place in my life that allowed me to experience love the way it should be experienced. Two hearts sharing the dream of raising a family and spending forever with one another. I owe a lot of my recent self-discovery to my wonderful husband. I love my franky lee for helping me to continue to see myself in such a positive light and for giving me the opportunity to NOT have to fight and to remember how to be peaceful and happy. (the right guy will always build you up and support you. only the shitheads will ask you to compromise yourself. trust me ive done my time in that jail cell.)
Sometimes it's good to look back and remember where I was. It's amazing to see the changes God has made in my life, and the changes I have made for myself. I will never forget where i came from, but my eyes are set on the present and the future... and the beauty of the life I am blessed to be living.
And here is a poem I wrote *circa 2004* just for good measure :) I think I might leave that old myspace blog up (at least until I can copy and paste everything. It's such a shame to see all of those thoughts and feelings be deleted forever.)
i mixed up rum, tequila, and whiskey
and ran around on eight drunken legs;
firefighting with a rubber hose thrown over my shoulder.
those little girl pyros with no clothes on
and too many tattoos were lighting matches again;
i wanted you to see my fire... not their inviting smoke.
we suck on cigarettes and tobacco lips with whiskey breath...
and i keep asking where your boundary is so i can knock it down.
you have to have a button somewhere that i shouldn't push;
a big red shiny one.
im begging for disobedience;
dragging my nails across my legs through my jeans to my skin...
disgustingly sick with love and wondering why the sidewalk is wavy.
i want to say all the things that i should never say
so you can write them down
and shove the scraps of paper into your pockets.
those sorts of things keep you warm when the winter winds blow here year 'round...
and i see all sorts of kids limping around on frostbitten limbs...
so i warm my skin at your hearth 'til it feels like hot paper.
i eat your words like food to keep soulless anorexia from chewing on my bones...
and in the middle of the night, shaken by dreams, i lay stunned by your beauty;
sleeping still in the silver midnight light
with the candles shaking our shadows all over the walls.
my hands crawling all over yours. a finger spider embrace. i love you.
and ran around on eight drunken legs;
firefighting with a rubber hose thrown over my shoulder.
those little girl pyros with no clothes on
and too many tattoos were lighting matches again;
i wanted you to see my fire... not their inviting smoke.
we suck on cigarettes and tobacco lips with whiskey breath...
and i keep asking where your boundary is so i can knock it down.
you have to have a button somewhere that i shouldn't push;
a big red shiny one.
im begging for disobedience;
dragging my nails across my legs through my jeans to my skin...
disgustingly sick with love and wondering why the sidewalk is wavy.
i want to say all the things that i should never say
so you can write them down
and shove the scraps of paper into your pockets.
those sorts of things keep you warm when the winter winds blow here year 'round...
and i see all sorts of kids limping around on frostbitten limbs...
so i warm my skin at your hearth 'til it feels like hot paper.
i eat your words like food to keep soulless anorexia from chewing on my bones...
and in the middle of the night, shaken by dreams, i lay stunned by your beauty;
sleeping still in the silver midnight light
with the candles shaking our shadows all over the walls.
my hands crawling all over yours. a finger spider embrace. i love you.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
[rant #2]
Wow, I have so much to say today... and it's not pretty or poetic or insightful, it's just raw and real and EXACTLY what I am feeling. The kids are in bed and Frank is on the treadmill, so I am sitting here alone with my thoughts, and I need to get them OUT of my head.
Frank went to work yesterday afternoon just like he does every other day. It was a work train he got called in for, so we figured he would work between 5 - 8 hours and be done for the day, which is the pattern we have come to expect for work trains! He left at 3:00 yesterday afternoon and we all went about our day. I got the kids fed and showered and put to bed and I glanced at the clock and it was around 9:00... and I hadn't heard from Frank. I sat around for a while, posted an entry in my blog, took a shower myself, and then checked the clock again. It was midnight, and I still hadn't heard from Frank. Naturally, I didn't worry because he typically works 12 hour days and I thought that maybe this work train would be no different (even though they had been in the past!) I went ahead and climbed into bed and went to sleep.
I hear the key turn in the lock and the front door open around 4:00am. I always get up and talk to Frank while he grabs something to eat and gets ready for bed. I could see on his face last night / this morning that something had happened. Frank went on to tell me that the train he was assigned to had derailed while they were bringing it into the yard at El Reno. I should explain that when they are at the yard and bringing the train into the yard, the Conductor is not ON the train, he is standing NEXT to the train... giving orders on the walkie-talkie and keeping an eye on things. In the event of a derail the train doesn't always tip over, but it can, and those unlucky enough to be standing too close would be crushed.
This is the 2nd derailment Frank has experienced since he started working for Union Pacific. In the event of a derail all employees are breathalized and drug tested, as per company policy. An investigation is launched to determine the CAUSE of the derail. Luckilly, the blame for neither derailment Frank has experienced landed on Frank. This particular one was due to the cars of the train being loaded unevenly and the weight not being distributed correctly, and when the train hit the curve in the yard it skipped track. The train was stacked *put together* before Frank was assigned Conductor.
Both Frank and I know that his working for the railroad has provided us with MANY benefits, but there is also a high level of risk in working around tons of moving machinery. One wrong move and you are dead. Literally. There have been cases of men in the yard getting pinned between two rolling trains... or men being crushed when a train derails. There have been stories of men getting their arms or legs torn off just by being too close to the tracks. There have been instances where trains have collided even. Needless to say, there is risk.
I do not worry every time that Frank walks out the door that it might be the last time I see him. I do not worry that every time he is not home when I expect him home that he might have been hurt. I do not worry because I would drive myself CRAZY if I did. I would never sleep and I would be a wreck. Not to mention, more often than not, men have long careers with the railroad and end them will all limbs intact!
Before Frank got the job with Union Pacific he was going to join the Army. He was actually scheduled to swear in the day AFTER he got the call from the Railroad telling him he had gotten the job. Had that call come in literally 24 hours later than it did, our life would be completely different. When he was going to join the Army I knew that I would spend every day worrying about his safety... worrying if he was alright... worrying if I'd ever speak to him again.
I keep reminding myself that the situation I am in right now as a railroad wife pales in comparison to what many military wives are facing day in and day out... but there is still the very real fear that something COULD happen, because after all, this isn't an office job, and things go wrong.
So, I have been abruptly reminded of our mortality and how fragile life is, and my belief that you should always leave those you love with loving words because you never know whether or not that will be the last thing you say to them has been strengthened.
Frank went to work yesterday afternoon just like he does every other day. It was a work train he got called in for, so we figured he would work between 5 - 8 hours and be done for the day, which is the pattern we have come to expect for work trains! He left at 3:00 yesterday afternoon and we all went about our day. I got the kids fed and showered and put to bed and I glanced at the clock and it was around 9:00... and I hadn't heard from Frank. I sat around for a while, posted an entry in my blog, took a shower myself, and then checked the clock again. It was midnight, and I still hadn't heard from Frank. Naturally, I didn't worry because he typically works 12 hour days and I thought that maybe this work train would be no different (even though they had been in the past!) I went ahead and climbed into bed and went to sleep.
I hear the key turn in the lock and the front door open around 4:00am. I always get up and talk to Frank while he grabs something to eat and gets ready for bed. I could see on his face last night / this morning that something had happened. Frank went on to tell me that the train he was assigned to had derailed while they were bringing it into the yard at El Reno. I should explain that when they are at the yard and bringing the train into the yard, the Conductor is not ON the train, he is standing NEXT to the train... giving orders on the walkie-talkie and keeping an eye on things. In the event of a derail the train doesn't always tip over, but it can, and those unlucky enough to be standing too close would be crushed.
This is the 2nd derailment Frank has experienced since he started working for Union Pacific. In the event of a derail all employees are breathalized and drug tested, as per company policy. An investigation is launched to determine the CAUSE of the derail. Luckilly, the blame for neither derailment Frank has experienced landed on Frank. This particular one was due to the cars of the train being loaded unevenly and the weight not being distributed correctly, and when the train hit the curve in the yard it skipped track. The train was stacked *put together* before Frank was assigned Conductor.
Both Frank and I know that his working for the railroad has provided us with MANY benefits, but there is also a high level of risk in working around tons of moving machinery. One wrong move and you are dead. Literally. There have been cases of men in the yard getting pinned between two rolling trains... or men being crushed when a train derails. There have been stories of men getting their arms or legs torn off just by being too close to the tracks. There have been instances where trains have collided even. Needless to say, there is risk.
I do not worry every time that Frank walks out the door that it might be the last time I see him. I do not worry that every time he is not home when I expect him home that he might have been hurt. I do not worry because I would drive myself CRAZY if I did. I would never sleep and I would be a wreck. Not to mention, more often than not, men have long careers with the railroad and end them will all limbs intact!
Before Frank got the job with Union Pacific he was going to join the Army. He was actually scheduled to swear in the day AFTER he got the call from the Railroad telling him he had gotten the job. Had that call come in literally 24 hours later than it did, our life would be completely different. When he was going to join the Army I knew that I would spend every day worrying about his safety... worrying if he was alright... worrying if I'd ever speak to him again.
I keep reminding myself that the situation I am in right now as a railroad wife pales in comparison to what many military wives are facing day in and day out... but there is still the very real fear that something COULD happen, because after all, this isn't an office job, and things go wrong.
So, I have been abruptly reminded of our mortality and how fragile life is, and my belief that you should always leave those you love with loving words because you never know whether or not that will be the last thing you say to them has been strengthened.
[angry rant]
So, I have something on my heart today that I need to get off of my chest. Also, I might say some unkind things, but this is MY blog, and I started it as a form of therapy for myself and I refuse to censor it... So I am not going to apologize for saying unkind things *at least not right now!*
Firstly, my son is a GOOD kid. Scratch that, he is a GREAT kid. Not only does he have a kind heart but he has a brilliant mind as well. He knows the difference between right and wrong without having to be told, and he is honest *not because he fears what will happen if he isn't, but because he knows in his soul that it's the right thing to be!* He helps other people when they need help, he is polite, and he treats other people the way he wants to be treated. Don't get me wrong, Trey is a handful! He can be obnoxious and overly energetic at times... and he is a typical 8 year old boy, but he has a good head on his shoulders and his heart and mind are in the right place. I attritbute this to the fact that he has been brought up the right way... not only thanks to Frank and myself, but because of our extended family as well. I am not meaning to "toot our own horn...," but Trey has proven again and again that what I said above is factual.
Any way, since we moved here, I haven't really been that impressed with the kinds of kids he is ending up running around with!! I know that sounds like a bitchy thing for me to say, but as a mother I care about the caliber of people my children interact with from day to day. If that makes me a bitch, then I will wear the bitch hat proudly!
When we first decided to move here everyone had such great things to say about Blanchard. "Oh, the school is SO great!" "This town is quiet and clean and a great place to raise a family!" Our landlord told us that our apartment complex was very strict about who they rent to and that they run a tight ship around here. We have come to find out that a lot of what we were told isn't completely true. The complex we moved into is full of children whose parents don't watch them. Period. Most of them are between the ages of 4 and 8 years old and they run around like wild turkeys with no supervision... they have NO manners, no limitations as to what they are or aren't allowed to do, and it drives me up the wall! Naturally, Trey wants to play outside and run around, so the kids that live around here have become the kids he plays with (and telling him not to is rather hard, considering!)
When we first moved here, a 2nd building of our complex was being built across the way. They just finished it about a month ago. The new tenants of one apartment happen to the the Great-Grandparents of a student in Trey's class... who I am going to refer to as "Joe!" "Joe" spends a lot of time over at his Great-Grandparents house, which has led to Trey and "Joe" hanging out. Now, at first, Frank and I had no problem with "Joe!" Seemed like a normal, energetic, and friendly kiddo!
Well, it turns out that "Joe" has caused nothing but drama for Trey this last month or so. A while back there was a bullying incident at school and Trey ended up in a headlock for defending "Joe"... who was being bullied on the playground. After I looked into what happened, I find out that "Joe" has some learning and behavioral issues. I actually found this out by speaking with "Joe's" Grandmother *who has been raising him since he was very young!*
Now, I would NEVER tell Trey that he should not be friends with children who are different or have special needs JUST because they are different or have special needs. I would NEVER tell him to discriminate or to exclude these students. But, do I have concerns that since Trey started hanging out with "Joe" he has gotten into trouble and been distracted in class, ended up in the Principals office on more than one occasion for a number of things, and ended up in a headlock? Absolutely. Am I concerned that "Joe" has a track record of telling "stories... " such as the one he told Trey about a homeless man with a large knife that lives in the fort on the dirt hill outside of our apartment* which had Trey scared to death for 3 nights in a row! Finally Frank had to take him out there one night and SHOW him that no one was there.* ABSOLUTELY. Am I concerned that it might not be in Trey's best interest to be hanging out with a child that acts out in class, handles situations differently than Trey would based on his maturity level, and has a tendency to evoke strong responses from other students based on his attitude and behavior in the classroom... yes. Again, I'd never tell Trey to automatically NOT be friends with someone due to a condition they can't help, but when it proves to interfere with my sons ability to focus in class and lands him in situations he shouldn't be in, maybe I should!
After the headlock incident I started to watch the situation closely... and ANOTHER incident was brought to my attention. A while back "Joe" let Trey borrow a book of his. I recall Trey bringing the book home and reading it and then taking it back to school the next day. Trey says he took back to class and put it on his desk and went to gym. When he came back, the book was not on his desk. Trey asked the teacher if she had seen the book, and she said she recalled seeing "Joe" with the book that same day. Any way, Trey came home and told me what happened. I told him that when he borrows something from someone he needs to make sure that it is returned safely to that person in the same condition that it was in when he borrowed it. That is just the right thing to do.
The next day at school "Joe" accuses Trey *in front of everyone* of stealing his book. "Joe" then goes on to say that his Grandmother and Grandfather demand that Trey pays "Joe" for the book because THEY believe Trey still has the book and is lying about what happened so that he doesn't have to return it. Trey then explains that he was indeed wrong for leaving the book on his desk, he should have kept it in his backpack, but that he is not lying, he did not "steal" it, and then he even asked the teacher if she knew what happened to it *because it was in her classroom* and she said she remembers having seen "Joe" with the book. "Joe" then says that it's no big deal and acts as if nothing happened! This was roughly 2 weeks ago.
So, this part may seem like it doesn't belong with this story, but it does. Yesterday, Trey and some other "neighborhood" kids were out playing on the dirt hill outside of our apartment (which is there because of the constant construction! Another thing that irks me.) The gentlemen that owns the complex, Tom, is a really cool guy. Very laid back and down to Earth. The contractors just installed sod around the new building and he was watering the sod with one of the hoses. Trey and the other kids were playing with the OTHER hose, spraying one another and spraying the grass. Obviously Tom had no problem with them doing so, considering he was right there watching them do it, and Tom isn't one to NOT say what's on his mind *but always in a kind and considerate fashion!* Any way, "Joe" was out there with the other kids for a little while... and then went home to his house.
Moving on, today I went in a little early to pick Trey up from school and I just stood out in the hallway and observed his class. Ive had concerns about his lack of homework and some other areas regarding the quality of education so I figured I'd just go on in and take a peek. In the 10 minutes I stood there and watched, I saw "Joe" disrespect the teacher at LEAST 3 times. I saw him get out of his chair and wander around the classroom, TWICE trying to talk to Trey in the middle of a lesson! Naturally, Trey had seen me standing there and didn't respond, but had I NOT been standing there, there is a good chance Trey might have! *Which has been a complaint of Trey's teacher once or twice!* (Of course, this validates my concern that "Joe" is distracting Trey is class and behaving in a fashion that I don't approve of!)
When we get home, Trey says "Mom, "Joe" told me today that my teacher and my principal and his Grandparents all think I am a liar, a thief, and a tattle tale and "Joe" isn't allowed to hang out with me anymore because they all think I get him into trouble and that i'm a bad kid and that I stole his book, and "Joe" is telling EVERYONE that! And "Joe" said that he and his Grandma stopped and talked to Tom last night and Tom said that I didnt have permission to play with the hoses and that Tom is mad and says that I break the rules at our apartment."
Now, firstly, I am angry that "Joe" would lie to my son and try to make him think that adult authority figures have a negative opinion of him. Secondly, although I firmly believe that Tom, Trey's Teacher, and the Principal do not feel this way and have never said anything to the contrary, I believe that "Joe's" Grandparents DO (which I will mention again later.) I know that my son is NOT a liar, a thief, or a tattle tale. He does NOT get other students into trouble... in fact, he put himself into harms way to DEFEND a student that has been constantly distracting him from lessons and telling him lies to work him up!
I am a mother, and when my child is hurting, I hurt. When my child gets their feelings hurt or has things said about them that aren't true, it pisses me off. I know that children say these kinds of things because they are children, but it still makes me angry. *Grumble* I have noticed in the last few weeks, however, that "Joe's" Grandmother has stopped letting Trey come over to play like he did when Trey and "Joe" first started hanging out... and she has come up with every excuse in the book as to why. It makes sense now. Do I want Trey over there, nope, but I am naturally upset at the thought of someone pegging my son as being a bad kid when he isn't.
During one of the FIRST conversations I had with "Joe's" Grandmother she had NOTHING nice to say about anyone... and filled my ear with gossip. I chalked it up to her frustration with having a child with special needs and her age. Yeah, I said it. So now that all of this is going on, the thought that she might give OTHER parents the wrong idea about MY child or encourage "Joe" to inadvertantly pass their judgement along to other students makes my blood boil... and I am giving SERIOUS thought to calling them up and getting to the bottom of this entire mess, but right now, I feel like I might say things out of anger that wouldn't help to resolve the situation.
I know that I can't MAKE a kid stop saying things that hurt my son. I know that I can't parent this child because it's not my job! I know that I can't change the perception or opinion of other people regarding things such as these. I know I can't MAKE the teacher keep this student clear of my son to ensure crap like this doesn't happen... because they are in the same class and the classroom is only so big. What I CAN do is write an angry blog entry and BITCH about it until my heart is content... so that is exactly what I did. -Sigh-
Firstly, my son is a GOOD kid. Scratch that, he is a GREAT kid. Not only does he have a kind heart but he has a brilliant mind as well. He knows the difference between right and wrong without having to be told, and he is honest *not because he fears what will happen if he isn't, but because he knows in his soul that it's the right thing to be!* He helps other people when they need help, he is polite, and he treats other people the way he wants to be treated. Don't get me wrong, Trey is a handful! He can be obnoxious and overly energetic at times... and he is a typical 8 year old boy, but he has a good head on his shoulders and his heart and mind are in the right place. I attritbute this to the fact that he has been brought up the right way... not only thanks to Frank and myself, but because of our extended family as well. I am not meaning to "toot our own horn...," but Trey has proven again and again that what I said above is factual.
Any way, since we moved here, I haven't really been that impressed with the kinds of kids he is ending up running around with!! I know that sounds like a bitchy thing for me to say, but as a mother I care about the caliber of people my children interact with from day to day. If that makes me a bitch, then I will wear the bitch hat proudly!
When we first decided to move here everyone had such great things to say about Blanchard. "Oh, the school is SO great!" "This town is quiet and clean and a great place to raise a family!" Our landlord told us that our apartment complex was very strict about who they rent to and that they run a tight ship around here. We have come to find out that a lot of what we were told isn't completely true. The complex we moved into is full of children whose parents don't watch them. Period. Most of them are between the ages of 4 and 8 years old and they run around like wild turkeys with no supervision... they have NO manners, no limitations as to what they are or aren't allowed to do, and it drives me up the wall! Naturally, Trey wants to play outside and run around, so the kids that live around here have become the kids he plays with (and telling him not to is rather hard, considering!)
When we first moved here, a 2nd building of our complex was being built across the way. They just finished it about a month ago. The new tenants of one apartment happen to the the Great-Grandparents of a student in Trey's class... who I am going to refer to as "Joe!" "Joe" spends a lot of time over at his Great-Grandparents house, which has led to Trey and "Joe" hanging out. Now, at first, Frank and I had no problem with "Joe!" Seemed like a normal, energetic, and friendly kiddo!
Well, it turns out that "Joe" has caused nothing but drama for Trey this last month or so. A while back there was a bullying incident at school and Trey ended up in a headlock for defending "Joe"... who was being bullied on the playground. After I looked into what happened, I find out that "Joe" has some learning and behavioral issues. I actually found this out by speaking with "Joe's" Grandmother *who has been raising him since he was very young!*
Now, I would NEVER tell Trey that he should not be friends with children who are different or have special needs JUST because they are different or have special needs. I would NEVER tell him to discriminate or to exclude these students. But, do I have concerns that since Trey started hanging out with "Joe" he has gotten into trouble and been distracted in class, ended up in the Principals office on more than one occasion for a number of things, and ended up in a headlock? Absolutely. Am I concerned that "Joe" has a track record of telling "stories... " such as the one he told Trey about a homeless man with a large knife that lives in the fort on the dirt hill outside of our apartment* which had Trey scared to death for 3 nights in a row! Finally Frank had to take him out there one night and SHOW him that no one was there.* ABSOLUTELY. Am I concerned that it might not be in Trey's best interest to be hanging out with a child that acts out in class, handles situations differently than Trey would based on his maturity level, and has a tendency to evoke strong responses from other students based on his attitude and behavior in the classroom... yes. Again, I'd never tell Trey to automatically NOT be friends with someone due to a condition they can't help, but when it proves to interfere with my sons ability to focus in class and lands him in situations he shouldn't be in, maybe I should!
After the headlock incident I started to watch the situation closely... and ANOTHER incident was brought to my attention. A while back "Joe" let Trey borrow a book of his. I recall Trey bringing the book home and reading it and then taking it back to school the next day. Trey says he took back to class and put it on his desk and went to gym. When he came back, the book was not on his desk. Trey asked the teacher if she had seen the book, and she said she recalled seeing "Joe" with the book that same day. Any way, Trey came home and told me what happened. I told him that when he borrows something from someone he needs to make sure that it is returned safely to that person in the same condition that it was in when he borrowed it. That is just the right thing to do.
The next day at school "Joe" accuses Trey *in front of everyone* of stealing his book. "Joe" then goes on to say that his Grandmother and Grandfather demand that Trey pays "Joe" for the book because THEY believe Trey still has the book and is lying about what happened so that he doesn't have to return it. Trey then explains that he was indeed wrong for leaving the book on his desk, he should have kept it in his backpack, but that he is not lying, he did not "steal" it, and then he even asked the teacher if she knew what happened to it *because it was in her classroom* and she said she remembers having seen "Joe" with the book. "Joe" then says that it's no big deal and acts as if nothing happened! This was roughly 2 weeks ago.
So, this part may seem like it doesn't belong with this story, but it does. Yesterday, Trey and some other "neighborhood" kids were out playing on the dirt hill outside of our apartment (which is there because of the constant construction! Another thing that irks me.) The gentlemen that owns the complex, Tom, is a really cool guy. Very laid back and down to Earth. The contractors just installed sod around the new building and he was watering the sod with one of the hoses. Trey and the other kids were playing with the OTHER hose, spraying one another and spraying the grass. Obviously Tom had no problem with them doing so, considering he was right there watching them do it, and Tom isn't one to NOT say what's on his mind *but always in a kind and considerate fashion!* Any way, "Joe" was out there with the other kids for a little while... and then went home to his house.
Moving on, today I went in a little early to pick Trey up from school and I just stood out in the hallway and observed his class. Ive had concerns about his lack of homework and some other areas regarding the quality of education so I figured I'd just go on in and take a peek. In the 10 minutes I stood there and watched, I saw "Joe" disrespect the teacher at LEAST 3 times. I saw him get out of his chair and wander around the classroom, TWICE trying to talk to Trey in the middle of a lesson! Naturally, Trey had seen me standing there and didn't respond, but had I NOT been standing there, there is a good chance Trey might have! *Which has been a complaint of Trey's teacher once or twice!* (Of course, this validates my concern that "Joe" is distracting Trey is class and behaving in a fashion that I don't approve of!)
When we get home, Trey says "Mom, "Joe" told me today that my teacher and my principal and his Grandparents all think I am a liar, a thief, and a tattle tale and "Joe" isn't allowed to hang out with me anymore because they all think I get him into trouble and that i'm a bad kid and that I stole his book, and "Joe" is telling EVERYONE that! And "Joe" said that he and his Grandma stopped and talked to Tom last night and Tom said that I didnt have permission to play with the hoses and that Tom is mad and says that I break the rules at our apartment."
Now, firstly, I am angry that "Joe" would lie to my son and try to make him think that adult authority figures have a negative opinion of him. Secondly, although I firmly believe that Tom, Trey's Teacher, and the Principal do not feel this way and have never said anything to the contrary, I believe that "Joe's" Grandparents DO (which I will mention again later.) I know that my son is NOT a liar, a thief, or a tattle tale. He does NOT get other students into trouble... in fact, he put himself into harms way to DEFEND a student that has been constantly distracting him from lessons and telling him lies to work him up!
I am a mother, and when my child is hurting, I hurt. When my child gets their feelings hurt or has things said about them that aren't true, it pisses me off. I know that children say these kinds of things because they are children, but it still makes me angry. *Grumble* I have noticed in the last few weeks, however, that "Joe's" Grandmother has stopped letting Trey come over to play like he did when Trey and "Joe" first started hanging out... and she has come up with every excuse in the book as to why. It makes sense now. Do I want Trey over there, nope, but I am naturally upset at the thought of someone pegging my son as being a bad kid when he isn't.
During one of the FIRST conversations I had with "Joe's" Grandmother she had NOTHING nice to say about anyone... and filled my ear with gossip. I chalked it up to her frustration with having a child with special needs and her age. Yeah, I said it. So now that all of this is going on, the thought that she might give OTHER parents the wrong idea about MY child or encourage "Joe" to inadvertantly pass their judgement along to other students makes my blood boil... and I am giving SERIOUS thought to calling them up and getting to the bottom of this entire mess, but right now, I feel like I might say things out of anger that wouldn't help to resolve the situation.
I know that I can't MAKE a kid stop saying things that hurt my son. I know that I can't parent this child because it's not my job! I know that I can't change the perception or opinion of other people regarding things such as these. I know I can't MAKE the teacher keep this student clear of my son to ensure crap like this doesn't happen... because they are in the same class and the classroom is only so big. What I CAN do is write an angry blog entry and BITCH about it until my heart is content... so that is exactly what I did. -Sigh-
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
[20 Things]
20 things I have noticed recently...
1.) My couch permanently smells like syrup, and I have no idea why.
2.) If you tell Eisley not to touch something... she will not only touch it, but it will most likely become her favorite item in the entire world.
3.) If you put my Emery's hair up it will be taken down within 5 minutes... every time. Usually Eisley is to blame, because for some reason Emery is not allowed to have a ponytail.
4.) I use *at least* one entire spray bottle full of carpet cleaner every week, plus a full spray can of disinfectant.
5.) My son insists that dish detergent is called "dish salt"... and he claims that he will always call it "dish salt" because it's just the right thing to do.
6.) Emery twirls her hair around her fingers when she is tired.
7.) Eisley has 3 "special blankets" that she hauls around with her everywhere, but she does not call them blankets or blankies, she calls them "my covers."
8.) Trey uses more hand soap than I knew a person could use (because he is evidently afraid of germs) which is a good thing, I guess... considering I dont have to worry if his hands are clean! On the other hand (ha) he will drop something on the floor and then pick it up and eat it. Interesting.
9.) For some reason my girls call breakfast time "chair time", and even though they have IDENTICAL highchairs, somehow they know which one is theirs and insist on sitting in it. *I think it might just be a plot to drive me crazy!*
10.) Even when it's time to go to bed at night, we say 'Happy Napping' instead of goodnight (even to Trey Bear!)
11.) We still tuck Trey in at night... and when we accidentally don't... he lets us know he is not pleased.
12.) Frank and Trey walk the exact same way. EXACT. Trey is a mini Frank. I love that life made that happen for our family.
13.) We laugh.... constantly... and we have more "inside jokes" than we can keep track of. Every day it's something different.
14.) Emery will say "thankyou" in response to everything. EVERYTHING. Eisley pushed her down the other day, to which Emery replied "thankyou!" I told her the other night that it was time to go to bed. She gave me a hug and said "thankyou!" It's adorable.
15.) Eisley would sleep in the bathtub if we'd let her.
16.) When Eisley is sleepy she sings to herself... and it's usually her own special version of the Barney theme song, which goes as follows. "I love you, I love me, I love meeeeeeee, you love meeeee!" Over and over and over again.
17.) Trey has learned that when it comes to his chores, much like his dad, if he continues to do something the wrong way i will eventually take over and do it for him. *Shaking my head!* It takes a lot of work to get out of working, and a lot of smarts to look that incapable.
18.) My girls are obsessed with "Chocate Miwk." I only give it to them once a day, and whenever they get sippy cups throughout the day I will watch them study them, sniff them, and take a careful sip to see if it's "chocate miwk!" They are usually rather frustrated when they realize it isn't.... and I get several pouty faces.
19.) Emery is a snuggle-biter and snuggle-snotter. Every now and then she will give me or Frank a big hug and snuggle up into our chest or shoulder, and then give us a tiny nibble or blow her nose on our shirts. We have such a hard time getting mad, because it's just so darn cute... *Sigh*
20.) Trey is 8 years old going on 16... in the sense that he knows EVERYTHING and insists that Frank and I are the most uncool parents in the world *at least when he is in public!*
(this list will be continued as time goes on, of course)
1.) My couch permanently smells like syrup, and I have no idea why.
2.) If you tell Eisley not to touch something... she will not only touch it, but it will most likely become her favorite item in the entire world.
3.) If you put my Emery's hair up it will be taken down within 5 minutes... every time. Usually Eisley is to blame, because for some reason Emery is not allowed to have a ponytail.
4.) I use *at least* one entire spray bottle full of carpet cleaner every week, plus a full spray can of disinfectant.
5.) My son insists that dish detergent is called "dish salt"... and he claims that he will always call it "dish salt" because it's just the right thing to do.
6.) Emery twirls her hair around her fingers when she is tired.
7.) Eisley has 3 "special blankets" that she hauls around with her everywhere, but she does not call them blankets or blankies, she calls them "my covers."
8.) Trey uses more hand soap than I knew a person could use (because he is evidently afraid of germs) which is a good thing, I guess... considering I dont have to worry if his hands are clean! On the other hand (ha) he will drop something on the floor and then pick it up and eat it. Interesting.
9.) For some reason my girls call breakfast time "chair time", and even though they have IDENTICAL highchairs, somehow they know which one is theirs and insist on sitting in it. *I think it might just be a plot to drive me crazy!*
10.) Even when it's time to go to bed at night, we say 'Happy Napping' instead of goodnight (even to Trey Bear!)
11.) We still tuck Trey in at night... and when we accidentally don't... he lets us know he is not pleased.
12.) Frank and Trey walk the exact same way. EXACT. Trey is a mini Frank. I love that life made that happen for our family.
13.) We laugh.... constantly... and we have more "inside jokes" than we can keep track of. Every day it's something different.
14.) Emery will say "thankyou" in response to everything. EVERYTHING. Eisley pushed her down the other day, to which Emery replied "thankyou!" I told her the other night that it was time to go to bed. She gave me a hug and said "thankyou!" It's adorable.
15.) Eisley would sleep in the bathtub if we'd let her.
16.) When Eisley is sleepy she sings to herself... and it's usually her own special version of the Barney theme song, which goes as follows. "I love you, I love me, I love meeeeeeee, you love meeeee!" Over and over and over again.
17.) Trey has learned that when it comes to his chores, much like his dad, if he continues to do something the wrong way i will eventually take over and do it for him. *Shaking my head!* It takes a lot of work to get out of working, and a lot of smarts to look that incapable.
18.) My girls are obsessed with "Chocate Miwk." I only give it to them once a day, and whenever they get sippy cups throughout the day I will watch them study them, sniff them, and take a careful sip to see if it's "chocate miwk!" They are usually rather frustrated when they realize it isn't.... and I get several pouty faces.
19.) Emery is a snuggle-biter and snuggle-snotter. Every now and then she will give me or Frank a big hug and snuggle up into our chest or shoulder, and then give us a tiny nibble or blow her nose on our shirts. We have such a hard time getting mad, because it's just so darn cute... *Sigh*
20.) Trey is 8 years old going on 16... in the sense that he knows EVERYTHING and insists that Frank and I are the most uncool parents in the world *at least when he is in public!*
(this list will be continued as time goes on, of course)
[express yourself]
yeah, i know.
no, i don't.
but soon i will.
all i want to do is write. not add numbers. not take phone calls. not misspell. not flip burgers. not walk the beat. not heal sick people.
all i want to do is fly. all day. wings or no wings. doesn't matter as long as i'm not bound by gravity or the need for food or air. i like the feel of clouds on my face. cool.
all i want to do is love. not hate. not argue. not say stupid shit. not do stupid shit (like saying stupid shit).
all i want to do is roam space aimlessly and stumble upon cool shit like something outside the spectrum of my hopefully boundless imagination.
i want to commune with unicorns. the ones with wings and spectral eyes and pink feathers and gills and webbed feet. the kind of webbed feet where the webs only come out in water. weird.
i remember that i don't remember my dream from last night. but it was a good dream. a great dream.
i love competition, but don't care for losing so I try not to. yup.
i want to use more words in my common speech. a while back some guy honked his horn on madison and asked me where james street was. i told him that james was parallel to the street we were on, and i could see in his eyes that he didn't know what parallel meant and I'm sure that he saw in my eyes that in the given time before the light changed, I couldn't think of a synonym for his dumb ass. the thing is, he may very well be smarter than me. doubtful, but possible.
i'm not so smart. i mean, who can be, really? i may be one piece of datum short of a gigabyte of omniscience, but i'll still never be able to tell you what i meant when i said nothing.
all I want to do is write well. i would have been a scribe but i not only want to write... i want you to read it... unless you're not interested.
i'm egocentric. you get that way when humanity has disappointed you.... especially the ones who are said to love you in theory.
in my youth i ran wild in my imagination. i ran wild in my imagination until my imagination was not sufficient to keep me happy. i had to create my world in reality and i have done very well doing so, but not in perfectitude. yeah, i made that word up. hey, somebody's got to do it otherwise we'd just have words like cat, but not feline.
i wouldn't have named it a Venus Flytrap. it's obviously an earth fly eater. venus doesn't have such plants. ask C.S. Lewis. he knew what was up... and down.
i was once in love so deeply that i wrote a book of poetry chronicling the period. then i fell in love again and wrote another book of poetry but it was a place, not a person that i fell in love with.
and i am finished. whew. hey everyone... feel free to express yourself. it's the only proof of existence
no, i don't.
but soon i will.
all i want to do is write. not add numbers. not take phone calls. not misspell. not flip burgers. not walk the beat. not heal sick people.
all i want to do is fly. all day. wings or no wings. doesn't matter as long as i'm not bound by gravity or the need for food or air. i like the feel of clouds on my face. cool.
all i want to do is love. not hate. not argue. not say stupid shit. not do stupid shit (like saying stupid shit).
all i want to do is roam space aimlessly and stumble upon cool shit like something outside the spectrum of my hopefully boundless imagination.
i want to commune with unicorns. the ones with wings and spectral eyes and pink feathers and gills and webbed feet. the kind of webbed feet where the webs only come out in water. weird.
i remember that i don't remember my dream from last night. but it was a good dream. a great dream.
i love competition, but don't care for losing so I try not to. yup.
i want to use more words in my common speech. a while back some guy honked his horn on madison and asked me where james street was. i told him that james was parallel to the street we were on, and i could see in his eyes that he didn't know what parallel meant and I'm sure that he saw in my eyes that in the given time before the light changed, I couldn't think of a synonym for his dumb ass. the thing is, he may very well be smarter than me. doubtful, but possible.
i'm not so smart. i mean, who can be, really? i may be one piece of datum short of a gigabyte of omniscience, but i'll still never be able to tell you what i meant when i said nothing.
all I want to do is write well. i would have been a scribe but i not only want to write... i want you to read it... unless you're not interested.
i'm egocentric. you get that way when humanity has disappointed you.... especially the ones who are said to love you in theory.
in my youth i ran wild in my imagination. i ran wild in my imagination until my imagination was not sufficient to keep me happy. i had to create my world in reality and i have done very well doing so, but not in perfectitude. yeah, i made that word up. hey, somebody's got to do it otherwise we'd just have words like cat, but not feline.
i wouldn't have named it a Venus Flytrap. it's obviously an earth fly eater. venus doesn't have such plants. ask C.S. Lewis. he knew what was up... and down.
i was once in love so deeply that i wrote a book of poetry chronicling the period. then i fell in love again and wrote another book of poetry but it was a place, not a person that i fell in love with.
and i am finished. whew. hey everyone... feel free to express yourself. it's the only proof of existence
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
[the railroad]
Frank is back out on the road... the house is quiet... and I am sitting here waiting to hear whether or not he will get in at a decent hour tonight. I am slowly getting used to the Railroad and have come to know *slightly better* what to expect in regards to Frank's schedule. I figured since the kiddos are sleeping and he isn't here to keep me company, my blog will do just fine. So, I am going to take the next 30 or so minutes to try and explain a little bit about Railroad life.
Every train that is coming in or going out and every Engineer, Conductor, Switchman, and Breakman on or off duty is listed on a system that is known as "the boards." We can access this system via the internet, so its available to us at all times. There are several different boards, and Frank is currently "marked up" (railroad lingo) on what is called the "extra" board, which is a coveted spot, because those who are lucky enough to mark up on THAT board get a guaranteed $3200 every two weeks because they are always on call. Sometimes Franky will get called in one ride after another, and sometimes he will get to stay home for three days in a row with us. We never know! In fact, we have gotten rather good at "not knowing!" It's an adventure to say the least. Regardless, if he ends up making MORE than the guarantee, we get that amount. If he makes less, we still get the guarantee. It's a win/win situation.
When Frank gets called in to work, he usually works a 12 hour day, which is the longest they can LEGALLY work him. After that he gets 10 hours of undisturbed rest... during which is he cant be called in. After that 10 hours, he is fair game! On "the boards" train crew get called out one after another depending on where they are on the board (or, in other words, where they are in line.) It's a complicated and confusing process that I don't even understand fully yet. Your position on the board has to do with your level of seniority and things of that nature. Since Frank holds high seniority, he is usually in a favorable position on "the boards." Also, since Frank was lucky enough to mark up on the "extra board," he can actually get called in as a Switchman, Breakman, OR Conductor. The CMS *control center* calls folks in off of the "extra board" in any event a railroad employee is needed, and since Franky is a jack of all trades in a sense, it suits him just fine.
Franks home terminal is out of Chickasha, Ok (which is why we moved down here to Blanchard, which is roughly about 15 minutes east of Chickasha.) There are several different KINDS of trains that come in and out of Chickasha. There are Rock Trains, Work Trains (which transport work materials needed for labor crews to fix track and other railroad related issues), Manifest Trains (which transport an array of different goods), Ethanol Trains, Grain Trains, Fuel Trains, and Hazerdous Material Trains. Typically the Rock, Work, and Grain trains are what we call "Local" trains. They travel back and forth between Chickasha, Enid, and Oklahoma City. When Frank gets called in for one of those, he works his 12 hours and gets to come home. The Ethanol, Fuel, Hazerdous Material, and Manifest Trains typically run from either Chickasha, Enid, or Oklahoma City to Wichita... and when he is called in for one of THOSE trains, he ends up staying in Wichita, and sometimes it's two or three days before he hops a train back.
Now to talk about an interesting phenomenon known as "Dead-Heading." Sometimes Frank will have to drive to Chickasha where he meets someone who drives him to Wichita *which takes all of 3 hours.* They drop him off at a hotel and he is done for the day... gets his 10 hours of undisturbed rest. Mind you, he gets full pay for a 3 hour van ride. Once in Wichita he hangs out at a hotel until they need him to bring a train from wichita back down here. So he gets paid a large sum of money to ride in a van, stay at a hotel, work out, take a swim, and then hitch a ride back. Lol. Last week they had him "Dead-Head" up to wichita and he was stuck (stuck being the operative word) at the hotel for 2 full days *close to 48 hours* and the Wichita Terminal ended up not needing a "Dead-Head" after all, so they put him back in a van and drove him back down here :) For every hour he is held away in Wichita (after his 10 hours of undisturbed rest) he makes a large hourly wage ON TOP of his normal pay. -Chuckle- Sometimes the railroad makes me laugh!
There is also a weird event called "Dog-Catching!" Once a member of the train crew works 12 hours they can NOT work any more. Sometimes you are in the middle of a route when you reach your 12 hours. If that happens, the train comes to a stop and they send someone out to spell you off. If you are called up to "dog catch" you are the person who gets to take over where the other person left off. Usually they only have an hour or two left until their train reaches its destination *sometimes only 10 minutes!* When you dog catch, you might spend your 12 hour shift on 3 different trains, taking over where other people left off! When Frank first started, they were about 10 miles outside of Chickasha on a train coming in from Wichita. He could see the lights of the train yard in fact. The Engineer on the crew had worked his twelve hours and they had to stop the train right outside of town to let another engineer spell him off. Interesting how that works! *And yet, after your 12 hours, you get paid a wage for the amount of time you have to spend in the van that takes you back to the yard, whether it's 10 miles or 200 miles away!*
Needless to say, working for the Railroad is proving to be quite the adventure for Frank. He absolutely loves it. In fact, I think he was born to do it. He gets to work with his hands and challenge himeself mentally every day. He has a large working knowledge of train mechanics... and he can drive a train with a remote control. How bad ass is that!! I am one proud wife, and it makes my heart happy to see Frank doing something that he takes such pride in.
Now, as a railroad wife *and the mother of a Conductors children"... we don't ALWAYS like the railraod. Sometimes we will be shopping or eating dinner out or enjoying a movie and that phone will ring and it sucks the wind right out of us. We can't ever plan anything because there is no set schedule. A lot of the time Frank will work all day and sleep all night... or he will end up working all day and then sleep at night expecting to get called in the morning, and he wont get called until midnight, which means no sleep. *Sigh*
We really can't complain though. For the first time since we were married we have the opportunity to save and to get ahead finanically. We have become independent in ways I never knew I could be independent. We have grown closer as a family and have learned how to stick together and support one another. It's truly a blessing.
Any way, I had better head to bed. My kids don't care how much sleep I get! They will be up at 6:00am regardless.
Every train that is coming in or going out and every Engineer, Conductor, Switchman, and Breakman on or off duty is listed on a system that is known as "the boards." We can access this system via the internet, so its available to us at all times. There are several different boards, and Frank is currently "marked up" (railroad lingo) on what is called the "extra" board, which is a coveted spot, because those who are lucky enough to mark up on THAT board get a guaranteed $3200 every two weeks because they are always on call. Sometimes Franky will get called in one ride after another, and sometimes he will get to stay home for three days in a row with us. We never know! In fact, we have gotten rather good at "not knowing!" It's an adventure to say the least. Regardless, if he ends up making MORE than the guarantee, we get that amount. If he makes less, we still get the guarantee. It's a win/win situation.
When Frank gets called in to work, he usually works a 12 hour day, which is the longest they can LEGALLY work him. After that he gets 10 hours of undisturbed rest... during which is he cant be called in. After that 10 hours, he is fair game! On "the boards" train crew get called out one after another depending on where they are on the board (or, in other words, where they are in line.) It's a complicated and confusing process that I don't even understand fully yet. Your position on the board has to do with your level of seniority and things of that nature. Since Frank holds high seniority, he is usually in a favorable position on "the boards." Also, since Frank was lucky enough to mark up on the "extra board," he can actually get called in as a Switchman, Breakman, OR Conductor. The CMS *control center* calls folks in off of the "extra board" in any event a railroad employee is needed, and since Franky is a jack of all trades in a sense, it suits him just fine.
Franks home terminal is out of Chickasha, Ok (which is why we moved down here to Blanchard, which is roughly about 15 minutes east of Chickasha.) There are several different KINDS of trains that come in and out of Chickasha. There are Rock Trains, Work Trains (which transport work materials needed for labor crews to fix track and other railroad related issues), Manifest Trains (which transport an array of different goods), Ethanol Trains, Grain Trains, Fuel Trains, and Hazerdous Material Trains. Typically the Rock, Work, and Grain trains are what we call "Local" trains. They travel back and forth between Chickasha, Enid, and Oklahoma City. When Frank gets called in for one of those, he works his 12 hours and gets to come home. The Ethanol, Fuel, Hazerdous Material, and Manifest Trains typically run from either Chickasha, Enid, or Oklahoma City to Wichita... and when he is called in for one of THOSE trains, he ends up staying in Wichita, and sometimes it's two or three days before he hops a train back.
Now to talk about an interesting phenomenon known as "Dead-Heading." Sometimes Frank will have to drive to Chickasha where he meets someone who drives him to Wichita *which takes all of 3 hours.* They drop him off at a hotel and he is done for the day... gets his 10 hours of undisturbed rest. Mind you, he gets full pay for a 3 hour van ride. Once in Wichita he hangs out at a hotel until they need him to bring a train from wichita back down here. So he gets paid a large sum of money to ride in a van, stay at a hotel, work out, take a swim, and then hitch a ride back. Lol. Last week they had him "Dead-Head" up to wichita and he was stuck (stuck being the operative word) at the hotel for 2 full days *close to 48 hours* and the Wichita Terminal ended up not needing a "Dead-Head" after all, so they put him back in a van and drove him back down here :) For every hour he is held away in Wichita (after his 10 hours of undisturbed rest) he makes a large hourly wage ON TOP of his normal pay. -Chuckle- Sometimes the railroad makes me laugh!
There is also a weird event called "Dog-Catching!" Once a member of the train crew works 12 hours they can NOT work any more. Sometimes you are in the middle of a route when you reach your 12 hours. If that happens, the train comes to a stop and they send someone out to spell you off. If you are called up to "dog catch" you are the person who gets to take over where the other person left off. Usually they only have an hour or two left until their train reaches its destination *sometimes only 10 minutes!* When you dog catch, you might spend your 12 hour shift on 3 different trains, taking over where other people left off! When Frank first started, they were about 10 miles outside of Chickasha on a train coming in from Wichita. He could see the lights of the train yard in fact. The Engineer on the crew had worked his twelve hours and they had to stop the train right outside of town to let another engineer spell him off. Interesting how that works! *And yet, after your 12 hours, you get paid a wage for the amount of time you have to spend in the van that takes you back to the yard, whether it's 10 miles or 200 miles away!*
Needless to say, working for the Railroad is proving to be quite the adventure for Frank. He absolutely loves it. In fact, I think he was born to do it. He gets to work with his hands and challenge himeself mentally every day. He has a large working knowledge of train mechanics... and he can drive a train with a remote control. How bad ass is that!! I am one proud wife, and it makes my heart happy to see Frank doing something that he takes such pride in.
Now, as a railroad wife *and the mother of a Conductors children"... we don't ALWAYS like the railraod. Sometimes we will be shopping or eating dinner out or enjoying a movie and that phone will ring and it sucks the wind right out of us. We can't ever plan anything because there is no set schedule. A lot of the time Frank will work all day and sleep all night... or he will end up working all day and then sleep at night expecting to get called in the morning, and he wont get called until midnight, which means no sleep. *Sigh*
We really can't complain though. For the first time since we were married we have the opportunity to save and to get ahead finanically. We have become independent in ways I never knew I could be independent. We have grown closer as a family and have learned how to stick together and support one another. It's truly a blessing.
Any way, I had better head to bed. My kids don't care how much sleep I get! They will be up at 6:00am regardless.
[for a friend]
I was reading the blog of a friend of mine... and as I sat here in tears, torn apart by the beauty and desperation I took away from each sentence, I couldn't help but to search the deepest parts of my mind and heart for something (anything) I could offer up to her as advice and/or comfort.
Finally, love yourself above ALL. you are more important than any relationship. Yes, if you have kids sometimes you think that staying in a bad relationship is what is best for THEM, but you are doing them NO favors by living in misery. kids can sense when something isn't right, and it WILL effect them worse than anything that may come of you deciding to end it.
If you aren't happy within your relationship and you have let your significant other KNOW this, and they have done nothing to help to fix the problem, you should always come first and the relationship should take a back burner. there is only so much you can do, and so much you should be willing to take. I believe that people should try to make things work, but working on a marriage/relationship is more than just saying "yeah, we will work on it." It takes dedication, time, effort, and commitment. If you are giving 100% in each of these areas and your partner is giving any less, it's time to cut your losses. do not convince yourself that the relationship is being "worked on" when it clearly isn't.
Remember (ESPECIALLY when it is hard) that you don't want to wake up 20 some years from now and realize you have wasted 20 years of your life just being polite... so say what you feel... say whatever it is you need to say... SCREAM IT FROM THE ROOFTOP. do whatever it is you need to do. make a change, hell, DEMAND a change... because you only get one life... and if you aren't going to fight to make sure it's a good one, no one else will.
ALR.
Here is some "verse" (lol) I wrote for my friend... take from it what you will.
the trouble is im looking for something far greater than this...
and all this time while i was trying to love you, you were just getting numb...
so im acting out and im giving in and im throwing myself overboard
I know from experience that it is a hard thing to do... to care about yourself. to love yourself enough to take care of yourself. to respect yourself. to stick up for yourself. to take chances for yourself. Its important to always remember that esteemable acts build self esteem, and being honest with yourself frees your mind.
looking at every situation and seeing what you need to do for YOU is not wrong, it's survival. even if it means moving away, leaving bad situations, ending a relationship, facing the unknown, etc. it's always so much easier when you jump back on your own positive life path.
When it comes to relationships... don't let someone make you bend over backwards for them. if someone loves you, they wont ask you to, and they won't LET you. if someone is really interested they will make time for you. they will care about what's going on in your life and be an active participant. if you find yourself always doing things for someone and they do nothing for you in return, stop. reevaluate. If you feel you give more love than what you get, it's true, no matter WHAT the other person might say. Forgive me for being crass, but words mean SHIT. actions matter... words don't.
Also, your gut feeling is right. your built in radar won't let you down. that is why you have it. you can always feel it when something isn't right or when someone else is trying to move in on your territory. your gut feelings are never wrong... so listen to yourself and trust what you hear.
No matter how you might be made to feel for whatever reason, you don't have to take your clothes off, be super skinny, be crazy in the bedroom, *or do ANYTHING ELSE* to be sexy. You are beautifully sexy just as you are, just by being yourself. If someone can't see that, if someone looks past you to search for someone else, or makes you feel as though you need to do MORE to please them, then you shouldn't waste your beauty on them anyway. they are the ones searching for something they are lacking within themselves. Dont let their shortcomings manifest as negative energy for YOU.
No matter how you might be made to feel for whatever reason, you don't have to take your clothes off, be super skinny, be crazy in the bedroom, *or do ANYTHING ELSE* to be sexy. You are beautifully sexy just as you are, just by being yourself. If someone can't see that, if someone looks past you to search for someone else, or makes you feel as though you need to do MORE to please them, then you shouldn't waste your beauty on them anyway. they are the ones searching for something they are lacking within themselves. Dont let their shortcomings manifest as negative energy for YOU.
Finally, love yourself above ALL. you are more important than any relationship. Yes, if you have kids sometimes you think that staying in a bad relationship is what is best for THEM, but you are doing them NO favors by living in misery. kids can sense when something isn't right, and it WILL effect them worse than anything that may come of you deciding to end it.
If you aren't happy within your relationship and you have let your significant other KNOW this, and they have done nothing to help to fix the problem, you should always come first and the relationship should take a back burner. there is only so much you can do, and so much you should be willing to take. I believe that people should try to make things work, but working on a marriage/relationship is more than just saying "yeah, we will work on it." It takes dedication, time, effort, and commitment. If you are giving 100% in each of these areas and your partner is giving any less, it's time to cut your losses. do not convince yourself that the relationship is being "worked on" when it clearly isn't.
Remember (ESPECIALLY when it is hard) that you don't want to wake up 20 some years from now and realize you have wasted 20 years of your life just being polite... so say what you feel... say whatever it is you need to say... SCREAM IT FROM THE ROOFTOP. do whatever it is you need to do. make a change, hell, DEMAND a change... because you only get one life... and if you aren't going to fight to make sure it's a good one, no one else will.
ALR.
Here is some "verse" (lol) I wrote for my friend... take from it what you will.
i used to be your favorite drug... the buzz that made you forget.
these days ive got nothing more that i want you to take.
ive become royal blue with blue tears...
the phone call you make when you're in the shit.
these days ive got nothing more that i want you to take.
ive become royal blue with blue tears...
the phone call you make when you're in the shit.
the trouble is im looking for something far greater than this...
and all this time while i was trying to love you, you were just getting numb...
so im acting out and im giving in and im throwing myself overboard
and im gonna swim 'til i get somewhere else.
ive got strong arms and legs that can handle these waves.
ive got strong arms and legs that can handle these waves.
even though i can see the blackened silhouettes of the sharks
under the surface, waiting...
and i can feel the frantic fish around me, petrified and aimless...
in all this noise... its still better than hiding on your boat
pretending it will get me somewhere.
ALR
under the surface, waiting...
and i can feel the frantic fish around me, petrified and aimless...
in all this noise... its still better than hiding on your boat
pretending it will get me somewhere.
ALR
[livin']
warning: i don't pay much attention to punctuation these days. i just don't care. i write with the same pauses as in my speech. everything i write is exactly where my head is at the moment i write it. it could change the next day. continually progressing to some unknown result...... some people say that i'm crazy to put so much of myself "out there" but my thoughts are completely useless to me just stagnating in my head. i could turn them over and over again with no challenge. i could set my own concrete opinions and never ask the same questions again... i could then argue these concrete opinions with everyone else that thought differently, thus creating an illusion of solidarity and identity. i believe it takes great strength of character to admit that you don't have the answers, and to be open to all things. i could be afraid of the unknown. i could stay in one place, with one routine, one way of being, one haircut, one set religion, one prescribed set of circumstances... but for me this would be death. some people applaud my way saying "good, do it while you are young." i think youth is a state of mind. i hope i am still awake and open when i am sixty. i don't believe that it is inappropriate to have a blue streak in your hair at age fifty if you want it. just because most people shut down doesn't mean you have to. if you are unhappy... change things. if you realize one day that your life has drifted into stasis.....wake up! all things are possible. if one day you realize that all your life you have been a bastard and uncaring towards people, its up to you to speak the first kind word. if you find yourself gravitating towards religion, listen to it. if you find that you want to up and move to france, go there.if you want to start painting but don't know if you are a "good artist" just go get the paints and create a new definition. listen to your inner intuition. don't just stay still... sleepwalking. go against the grain. create a stir. it doesn't matter if everyone around you completely disagrees... they aren't you. they don't have to walk around in your shoes. you are your own thoughts and actions. you have your own voice. don't be afraid of your parents, or friends, or anyone else for that matter. your opinion is just as important. you aren't them. you aren't always going to agree. don't be afraid of love. treat each new love like the first. don't shut down. love can be brutal. heartbreak is devastating, but its in that emotional distress that the most personal growth is possible. you learn your own depths. you feel how alive you really are.
Monday, April 11, 2011
[falling in love every day]
Falling slowly... deeply, gently, finally. He did run, like a snail across the hot pavement toward shade; writhing on the journey as if he had been salted. Little did he know, or want to admit, that it was sugar I was sprinkling. Sugar that had been filtered through me; my history. All the pieces of my lifes journey.
I had stood with open palms cupped to the universe for so long it seemed. Always empty handed at the end of the day. Finally, without warning, a snow like shower floated down and somehow streamed into my heart and my eyes. I wasn't at all sure of how or why. I welcomed it.
The message carried within the granules was just what my mother had always tried to persuade me into believing. "You catch more flies with honey." I'd always replied that I wasn't interested in catching flies, but now I know the true meaning of the phrase.
Time is standing still for a moment and yet hope manages to greet me daily, abounding with light... gleaming wakefulness and joy into my immediate focus. It's so beautiful to behold. It's like I've begun again. Another phase. Another chapter. Another breathtaking dawn.
I didn't know what it would be like in adulthood for me to drift about freely in this state of perpetual bewilderment, and I find myself surprised at how the plateaus I'd imagined are so much more enveloping than I had ever dreamed. Perhaps it's because in youth we know all things are fleeting... or at least I did... and though seemingly intense and important, the shallowness was always evident if you looked hard enough.
Now I feel a sense... a need... for permanence. Given this opportunity I plan to put one foot forward toward such. But why now? Why this energy? Is it a choice or am I simply following the path set for me that I didn't notice until now? It doesn't matter anyway, because I'm in the current... flowing, smiling, wondering, planning, and dreaming.
I'm taking each moment in like a breath of fresh air and committing it to memory, even though I know that future memories will bury those that mean so much right now... these things which seem so unforgettable. I greet the future. I greet the future with all of its lack of form, questions, and uncertainty. Hope is in my eyes and I'm glad it's spreading. Light is emerging in the darkened corners of my hidden self to reveal a brilliant future I had not imagined.
Even though it has me feeling a little shaken, this is what I've come to know as natural intoxication! I'm excited in a way I've never been before. Despite all pitfalls and bumps in the road, everything is groovy; peachy, hunky dory, cool. I know very well and good that my doubt has gone on hiatus... and perhaps it has permanently evacuated the building. One can only hope.
Only time unwinds the mind so that in an instant we find ourselves outside of the walls we've spent years putting up... both inside and out. Sometimes this happens with our permission, but more often that not it happens without our even knowing. Time crumbles who we were... and somehow we reshape and then are new, yet not completely void of our past or history.
I'm smelling daffodils that aren't in season and vistas of some places not yet seen by my eyes. I'm imagining all the things that are becoming a part of me... all that is wholesome, far from mundane. I'm thinking millions... no trillions... of kisses and a hand to hold mine every day.
I pray to whoever (or whatever) may hear me. I pray for infinite understanding. I've no plans for letting go of what I've finally wrapped my fingers around, and I feel a strange sense of communion with a hundred forces I never new existed, and a connection with all things I may or may not understand.
I steer clear of expectations because I don't like disappointment. I wonder if all love is heaven sent. Though my heart races and butterflies fill up all of my inner spaces, I've not resisted... yet only hoped that my 'whirling dervish' hasn't been too much for most to handle. And it seems not, much to my surprise.
From lover... to something or other... to loved. Surely love cultivates in a variety of fashions. I don't dare complain as long as we continue to perpetuate the possibilities. I yearn to keep absent all hostilities and to stay true to the path I've so elegantly began to tread. I'll keep on being an illuminated star... the best way I know how.
[i want]
I want to make a trip down into The Grand Canyon every other year.
I want to love, to cherish, and to hold.
I want to take my parents to Paris. They deserve that and so much more.
I want to see the Pueblo houses, drive leisurely cross country, take in all of the landscapes that I have always taken for granted (and never even seen.)
I want to spend a year in the summer traveling away from ghostly, wicked winters.
I want to breathe in some hints of what's to come. I want some red arrows, some signs up ahead. This mystery is killing me... though I'm quite positive about the possibilities.
I want a place to call my own, a dog, a garden, and bookshelves that continuously fill with new literature. I want an archive of history, real history. It's voices, (the rare ones most folks never hear). I want music, speeches, talks, and recordings in all shapes and forms that I can pass on to my children.
I want to visit the cold, not survive it.
I want lips to kiss and kiss and kiss.......
I want to know that I make a difference, not just in the casual way. I want to know that I bring light to the people I encounter and comfort to those the universe guides my way.
I want to learn, be taught, sit in wonder at another's brilliance. Is that asking too much?
I want to have time to read.
I want never to stop dancing!
I want my smile to be met with a smile, my openness met with the same.
I want loneliness to stay at the safe comfortable distance it now stands... it is brilliant to have company down grocery isles, a tree decorating partner, someone else to drive, and two other hands to help fold the sheets.
I want warmth and palm trees... but I also want fall colors.
I want to see the colors of the Serengeti. I want to visit ruins of the past and let them breathe into me.
I want to be healthy in every respect, thoroughly and holistically healthy from head to toe, and in all my layers and hues, constitutions and illuminations.
I want to be appreciated, understood, and loved.
I want a lot, and not. I want change yet I want things to stabilize. I want all of this and so much more.
I'm ready for anything, anytime, and anywhere. Ready or not. I'm already there.
I want to love, to cherish, and to hold.
I want to take my parents to Paris. They deserve that and so much more.
I want to see the Pueblo houses, drive leisurely cross country, take in all of the landscapes that I have always taken for granted (and never even seen.)
I want to spend a year in the summer traveling away from ghostly, wicked winters.
I want to breathe in some hints of what's to come. I want some red arrows, some signs up ahead. This mystery is killing me... though I'm quite positive about the possibilities.
I want a place to call my own, a dog, a garden, and bookshelves that continuously fill with new literature. I want an archive of history, real history. It's voices, (the rare ones most folks never hear). I want music, speeches, talks, and recordings in all shapes and forms that I can pass on to my children.
I want to visit the cold, not survive it.
I want lips to kiss and kiss and kiss.......
I want to know that I make a difference, not just in the casual way. I want to know that I bring light to the people I encounter and comfort to those the universe guides my way.
I want to learn, be taught, sit in wonder at another's brilliance. Is that asking too much?
I want to have time to read.
I want never to stop dancing!
I want my smile to be met with a smile, my openness met with the same.
I want loneliness to stay at the safe comfortable distance it now stands... it is brilliant to have company down grocery isles, a tree decorating partner, someone else to drive, and two other hands to help fold the sheets.
I want warmth and palm trees... but I also want fall colors.
I want to see the colors of the Serengeti. I want to visit ruins of the past and let them breathe into me.
I want to be healthy in every respect, thoroughly and holistically healthy from head to toe, and in all my layers and hues, constitutions and illuminations.
I want to be appreciated, understood, and loved.
I want a lot, and not. I want change yet I want things to stabilize. I want all of this and so much more.
I'm ready for anything, anytime, and anywhere. Ready or not. I'm already there.
[punctuation]
my ankles are cold. im blinking out the smoke. i see 'catcher in the rye' laying sideways on a dollar cart outside my favorite bookstore and a well dressed older man with a feather in his fedora nods at me. handsome. i know my eyes are shining. i've got this buzz resonating in the deepest parts of me. im humming sinatra. nancy sinatra. im glowing. im floating above the pavement. i can't explain it. my head is screaming out. im meeting myself. reacquainting myself with what i love. not worried about how quirky and passionate i am. ill be sad if i want to be. ill be ecstatic if i want to be. im filled with extremes. im glad im that way. "all art is entirely useless..." heh. ya right. oscar wilde and his marvellous brain have sent me into an internal tailspin. words that rip through my porcelain veneer. im resonating. i feel connected. other eyes that see paragraphs born out of brief encounters. the beauty in the mediocre. the beauty in the horrible. the art that screams out of vanity and sin. i dont know where i stand. im no longer threatened. i had to form opinions last year out of survival. i was on constant alert. but i dont assume a nun is pure... and i dont assume a hooker to be vile. i dont believe in stereotypes. we are all secrets and deceptions. every one of us. im interested in truth. not safety. im interested in the extremes. the passion. living life like a trapeze artist. you leave the safety and security of someone holding onto you only to fly through the air tempting death in the hope and faith that the next person will swing out to grasp onto you. and then you do it again. jumping cliffs. chasing the beauty in chance encounters. i could stare into his eyes wordlessly for hours. somehow giving up parts of me and becoming greater than i was. beautiful. what is true love. selfless. anti-selfish. to want the very best for someone else. even if that means leaving. hoping and dreaming the ultimate for them. i drink my newcastle. i sit in a makeshift lobby staring at a coke machine. im counting down the minutes. im filled with run on sentences. im echoing back his words. i let him see me in my ghostly state. muted and vulnerable. it made the sadness gorgeous instead of oppressive. so comfortable in my skin. i dont want to be fixed. im just alive. im full of feelings. im just as violent and ultra violet and full of desire and prayer as i always was. i pray to my fat cat god living in the blanket skies. violent. violet. lent. vie. im self conscious of my youth. im aware of it. i always took it for granted how brilliant i was at being 17. now that i am almost 28 im realizing it. i was so malleable. i was so untouched. now im full of more damage and heartache and i see things more dark and more beautiful than i did before. love is not taken for granted. creativity is not an assumption. success is not an expectation but a hope. im thankful for the pain. im thankful for the mistakes. i think my mistakes are the things i dont regret as i get older. i see them as my most important moments of change. its not possession anymore. i dont want to keep things just because im afraid that if i drop them someone else will pick them up. that crazy human habit to trap things under glass. "if i can't have you no one can have you." in the dark. i want to be as quirky as i am. i want my books and my habits and my attitudes and my expressions. i need to know where my lines are drawn. charting the constant transformations. im not the same person from day to day. i cant be held to who i was "then." those people dont exist. only i do. and im constantly turning into new characters. my heart is jumping. im not afraid of it. i am so ecstatic... living to connect to another beautiful heart and mind.
[crave]
Intuition and intelligence are the things i value most these days. i want to connect to another and their complex thought. i crave stimuli. so many survive on the surface level because the depth of feeling brings extremes of joy and sorrow... and most don't want to face it. i am searching for the place where there is 'thought'... intelligence that registers things based on perception. i crave intuition that sparks the unexplainable, intangible, but very REAL force where i believe love and hope come from. i yearn for the feeling when you first meet someone and you can already sense the entire story but want to read it any way. i have come to realize that the pleasure of knowing things in the present is also a means to an end. sometimes we forget where our endings begin... and recently I have come to see that all i want is someone that can help me to remember.
[showering with barbie]
As I am getting into the shower this morning (yes, the shower, in the master bathroom) I have to push aside with my foot a barbie doll -who has definitely seen better days- and a purple plastic teacup that has a smiley face. Upon doing so, I was stopped in my tracks for an instance and got to thinking. As much as I might complain about the mess that I find myself in the middle of every day and the endless array of clutter I constantly chase, I know that I would miss it if it weren't here. Now, don't get me wrong, it's not that I have a secret love affair with clutter and mess! What I simply mean is that the clutter and mess are there because I am a woman who has been blessed to HAVE children to make that mess and leave that clutter laying around everywhere, including my shower!
I got pregnant rather young (and rather unexpectedly I might add!) Later in life I managed to get pregnant again TWICE in rapid succession (less unexpectedly, but still unexpected all the same.) For me, getting pregnant and having children was never something I had to try at. It just HAPPENED for me, easily.
My parents struggled for years to start a family... and for them, it didn't come so easily. In fact, my brother and I are adopted due to the struggles they faced, and I thank God every day that events occurred in such a fashion that such a miracle came to pass. I grew up knowing how deeply the need to be a mother/father ran for both of my parents. I knew that they loved us SO much that my brother and I were born from their hearts. Our baby sister came along later, thanks to IVF, completing our family :)
The point being, there are many men and women out in the world who must endure the heart-wrenching, faith-questioning, relationship-testing, life-altering experience of struggling to conceive or not being able to have children of their own at all. There are also mothers and fathers out there who made the decision to allow their children to be raised by other families, for whatever reason, and have a hole in their heart for that beautiful child they gave the world to by making that choice.
I might complain a lot regarding the stress of being a mother who has three children to clean up after and take care of. I might grumble too much about the sticky hand prints that cover everything I own and finding cereal in places cereal should NOT be found. I might never get a moments peace, including in the bathroom, and I might spend more time kissing boo-boos and cleaning up snot, vomit, and poop than I'd care to spend, but at the end of the day I need to remember that I have been given one of the GREATEST blessings in life, and that is the blessing of motherhood. I have three healthy, intelligent, and naturally energetic children, and no matter how many messes they make or how much they may drive me up the wall on occasion, I am lucky to have them and hug them and kiss them and love them any time I want.
And yes, I am human, and there will be days that I still complain and days that I give serious consideration to selling them to the circus, because motherhood DOES THAT TO A PERSON! But, I am going to leave that purple plastic teacup with the smiley face in my shower... just as a reminder. The barbie, however, has to go... because it's just creepy to shower with a barbie :)
Sunday, April 10, 2011
[first date jitters]
So, after much thought and careful consideration, I have decided it's time to start a blog! Surprise Surprise, right! Anyone reading this most likely already knows that on many occasions I have used Facebook as a blog and as a journal, for which I (honestly) make not apologies. I am an open book the majority of the time, and I take pride in being who I am and feeling what I feel and being able to share those thoughts and feelings with the world :) I do NOT consider myself to be one of the most interesting or intelligent people out there *by any means!* I do, however, consider myself to have had many valuable life experiences that, in turn, have made me into a person with deep insight regarding a variety of subjects! Motherhood, marriage, friendship, addiction, education, politics, and religion are on that list, along with song lyrics, movie quotes, and what celebrities lend their voices to animated characters :) Again, let me stress that whatever insight I might have regarding these topics comes from nothing but years and years of just LIVING *and living out loud for that matter*... and not from any credible sources (ha!)
Also, if you choose to follow this blog, be prepared to read many stories about my beautiful children [Trey, Eisley, and Emery... who are my world] and my wonderful husband [Franky Lee... who makes my world stand still!]
Yes, I share every adorable moment, every disgusting mess, every deeply philosophical conversation I have with my 8 year old (who knows everything these days), every challenging situation I find myself in as a wife and mother, every "waking up the next morning and having to replace the bathroom door" type fight I have with Frank, every moment of reflection on the many blessings I have, every instance of lonliness or frustration I feel, and every moment in which I feel as though I might just sell 'em all to the circus.
Any way, I wasn't sure how to START a blog, so all in all I am satisfied with my first blog post. Who knows, I may crank another out before the night is over. *Especially now that I've gotten over the first date jitters!*
Also, if you choose to follow this blog, be prepared to read many stories about my beautiful children [Trey, Eisley, and Emery... who are my world] and my wonderful husband [Franky Lee... who makes my world stand still!]
Yes, I share every adorable moment, every disgusting mess, every deeply philosophical conversation I have with my 8 year old (who knows everything these days), every challenging situation I find myself in as a wife and mother, every "waking up the next morning and having to replace the bathroom door" type fight I have with Frank, every moment of reflection on the many blessings I have, every instance of lonliness or frustration I feel, and every moment in which I feel as though I might just sell 'em all to the circus.
Any way, I wasn't sure how to START a blog, so all in all I am satisfied with my first blog post. Who knows, I may crank another out before the night is over. *Especially now that I've gotten over the first date jitters!*
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