8/13/11

Wow, so much happened yesterday that I am not even sure where to begin. I will start off by saying that i am enjoying blogging every day. It feels good to do something for myself. I dont really care if anyone reads it or takes any active interest in what I have to say, but sitting here with my fingers on the keyboard... pouring out whatever comes into my mind... feels liberating and is rather therapeutic.

Anyway, yesterday was quite the day. The kids all seemed to get out of bed on the wrong foot. Everyone was cranky and tired. We managed to make it through the early morning in one piece, but by the time 11:00 rolled around, it was DEFINITELY time for naps. I have been having a hard time keeping Eisley in the bedroom for nap time because she has figured out how get in and out (even WITH the toddler proof doorknobs.)

I put the girls down and sat beside the door until I was sure they were sleeping. I figured this was the best solution to the problem. I went downstairs to do the dishes... and after 10 minutes I heard the pitter-patter of little feet running around upstairs. Upon inspection, I found that Eisley had gotten into the bathroom and eaten an entire bottle of Children's Chewable Tylenol (80mg.)

I called poison control, her pediatrician, and anyone else I could think of. Needless to say I was totally freaking out. Come to find out it wasn't enough of a dose to be toxic or damage her liver, but it WAS enough to possibly make her sick.

In all of the commotion, it somehow escaped me that she had ALSO found scissors and butchered her hair. She cut off at least 4 inches in the back in a few places, chopped off quite a bit on the top, and cut down to the scalp in the front. *sigh* Luckily Mort was able to fit us in and fashion an ADORABLE little bob cut out of the mess. Super sassy.

While we were there, however, Eisley managed to throw a full-on temper tantrum... complete with kicking, screaming, crying, thrashing around, and near hyperventilation. Mort took it all in stride and was a good sport. By the time we left, Eisley was worn out and ready to crash, and so was I!!

When we got home, the girls were pretty much ready for bed, considering they didn't nap and had spent the day on a mission to drive their mother crazy. After a few hours of sleep Eisley woke up and puked everywhere. She went back to sleep, only to wake up and puke everywhere a second time. Poor thing finally got back to bed for good, hydrated to the hilt by Pedialite.

This morning everyone seems to be feeling much better. Eisley is up to no good and is her usual ornery self. Trey had to go do some community service with his football team bright and early, and then is headed over to the varsity/JV scrimmage at Panther Stadium with a friend. Emery seems to just be going along for the ride. She is such a sweet puddin. In the midst of the chaos she is usually the calm.

Frank called last night and let me know that UP has plans of furloughing many of the Wichita / Oklahoma employees at the end of the season. When the weather is cold, they cut back on work. That doesnt bode well for his transfer up to Wichita. Frank has also tasted the fruit of Fort Worth... with the fabulous pay, tons of hours, and the company of all of the guys he trained with. I have a feeling that our little family is eventually going to end up down there... (but that's a blog post all in itself.)


Hoping today is a little less stressful! Tonight we are having dinner at my brother's house for my parents 40th wedding Anniversary. Got a sitter for the kiddos so that we can enjoy the evening in the company of adults for once!

8/12/11

It's the start of another beautiful day. I am going to go ahead and repeat that one more time, in hopes that in repeating it I can somehow will it to be. "It's the start of another beautiful day!"

*Yawn!* I am super tired this morning. It seems that I always require more sleep than my children. I guess that is how it's SUPPOSED to work, but I sure wish it wasn't. If they would only sleep in until maybe 8:30am, I would be a happy camper! 7:00am is just too early, darnit!

Yesterday my two youngest kiddos were terrors. Eisley has learned how to work the toddler-proof doorknobs that we have been using the last year to keep her out of things and to keep her contained. It's unfortunate. It was hard to maintain order before, but now it's near impossible.

I welcome challenges as a parent. I expect challenges! It means I have critical thinkers, problem solvers, and highly intellectual children. Lol. On a completely serious note, I do firmly believe that my kids are bright kids. They never cease to amaze me. On more than one occasion I have taken a step back and asked myself "where on Earth did they learn THAT" or "I can't believe they figured THAT out!" It makes for some long days and some high blood pressure, however.

We are still working on potty training with Miss Eisley. It has been weeks since we have a tinkle accident, but we can't seem to get the poo in the potty. *Sigh* I am at the end of the my rope with it. I am hoping that she will eventually figure it out! Emery seems that she is interested in potty training as well. It would be quite the trip if Emery ended up mastering it before her sister. I really dont care in what order it gets done, but I am sick to death of poop, and I can't wait to not have to worry about it anymore!

I spoke with Frank last night and it seems as if he is going to be working down in Fort Worth for a while. The transfer and all of the paperwork/training it takes to get up to Wichita will take a while. It might even be the first of 2012. Being apart that long will SUCK, but the money he will be making in the meantime makes up for it. (slightly.)

Since the kids and I arrived here in town, I have been on a mission to try and find somewhere for us to live (naturally.) It was my intention to have somewhere nailed down by the 1st of September. After much consideration and in talking with frank, we have decided it may be in our best interest to take a month or two to look for the right place, and to save save SAVE. We have some things we would like to pay off and it would be nice to grow a good sized financial cushion before we take on anything new. 

Since the kids and I have the chance to stay with my parents (which means no money going out the door every month for rent and utilities), that easily saves us upwards of $2,000 in a two month time period. Can't argue with that. Plus I dont want to rush into signing a years lease on a place i am not in love with. We made this mistake with Blanchard and our current apartment.

Any way, my computer is acting funny lately. It took me WAY too long to type this since my cursor kept putting me in different places and deleting what i typed. Hmmm. I am going to run a virus scan and pray that it fixes it. I have also been having issues with facebook. *Grumble!* I guess I will just have to wait and see.

[The disease of perfection]

*Taken from a blog called "SINGLE DAD LAUGHING"....


THE DISEASE OF PERFECTION.


As a warning, the following post was written in complete desperation. I have recently learned some very sobering truths from people that I love dearly. These truths have set in motion a quest within me to do whatever I can to make a change. Today is not geared at funny. Today is geared at something greater. Read it to the very end. I promise you will be affected in a way you have always needed to be. I spent more than twelve hours writing this post because its message is that important to me.

I wonder. Am I the only one aware that there is an infectious mental disease laying siege on us right now? There is a serious pandemic of "Perfection" spreading, and it needs to stop. Hear me out because this is something for which I am passionately and constantly hurting. It's a sickness that I've been trying to put into words for years without much success. It's a sickness that I have personally struggled with. It's a sickness that at times has left me hiding in dark corners and hating myself.

And chances are it's hit you too.

What is the disease called "Perfection"? Perhaps a list of its real-life symptoms will help you better understand it. We live in communities where people feel unconquerable amounts of pressure to always appear perfectly happy, perfectly functional, and perfectly figured. "Perfection" is much different than perfectionism. The following examples of "Perfection" are all real examples that I have collected from experiences in my own life, from confidential sources, or from my circle of loved ones and friends. If you actually stop to think about some of these, you will cry as I did while writing it. If you don't, maybe you're infected with way too much of this "Perfection" infection.

"Perfection" is a wife who feels trapped in a marriage to a lazy, angry, small man, but at soccer practice tells the other wives how wonderful her husband always is. "Perfection" keeps people from telling the truth, even to themselves. My husband is adorable. He called me a whore this week because I smiled at a stranger. When I started crying, he said he had a game to go watch. I love him so much.

"Perfection" is a husband who is belittled, unappreciated, and abused by his wife, yet works endlessly to make his marriage appear incredible to those around him. "Perfection" really does keep people from being real about the truth.  You would have laughed, guys. She said that I suck at my job and will never go anywhere in life. Then she insinuated that I was a fat, rotting pile of crap. Isn't she the best?

"Perfection" is a daughter with an eating disorder that keeps it hidden for years because she doesn't want to be the first among her family and friends to be imperfect. She would give anything to confront it, but she can't because then the "Perfect" people would hate her as much as she hates herself for it.

"Perfection" is when a son has a forbidden addiction, and despises himself for it. "Perfection" makes us believe that nobody else could understand what it is like to be weak and fall prey to the pressures of the world.

"Perfection" is a man who loathes himself for feeling unwanted attraction toward other men.

"Perfection" is a couple drowning in debt, but who still agree to that cruise with their friends because the words "we don't have the money" are impossible ones to push across their lips.

"Perfection" is a mom hating herself because she only sees that every other mom around her is the perfect mother, the perfect wife, and the perfect neighbor. I'd give anything to be Mrs. Jones. Today she ran 34 miles, cooked six complete meals, participated in a two-hour activity with each of her seven children, hosted a marriage class with her husband, and still had time to show up for Bunco. What this mom doesn't know is that Mrs. Jones is also at home crying right now because the pressure to be "Perfect" never lets up.

"Perfection" is a dad hating himself because he can't give the same thing to his kids that other dads do, and then hates himself further because he takes his self-loathing out on his kids behind closed doors. You know what would have been nice? If you were never born. Do you realize how much money I'd have right now? Now come give Daddy a hug because I can force you to give me validation.

"Perfection" is a child hating herself because the boys at school call her fat, and when she goes home she tells her mom that school was fine. Her mom never stops to question why her daughter doesn't have any friends, becaue her mom doesn't want to think that anything might be less than "Perfect".

"Perfection" is a man feeling like a smaller man because his neighbor just pulled in with a new boat.

"Perfection" is a woman who is so overwhelmed that she thinks about killing herself daily. "Perfection" makes it so that she never will because of the things people will think if she does. How could I make my suicide look like an accident? If I kill myself, I don't want anybody knowing that I ever had any problems. She never stops to look at why she wants to do it, because healing means admitting imperfection.

"Perfection" is a man who everybody heralds as perfect, and inside he is screaming to be seen as the faulty human being that he always has been. Because to no longer be "the perfect one", that would be freeing.

"Perfection" is a woman having an affair because she's too afraid to confront the imperfection in her marriage.

"Perfection" is a twelve-year-old boy killing himself because he is ashamed that he can't stop masturbating.

Stop, and read that one again.

There is a twelve-year-old boy buried 20 miles from where I sit because the "Perfection" that has infected the people around him infected him to the point that he deemed his own life worthless. "Perfection" pushed him to take his own life over something most of us would consider negligible in the life of any teenage boy.

"Perfection" is my friend's cousin swallowing hundreds of pills because she just got the news that she was pregnant, out of wedlock, and the shame was too much to bear. She was only attempting to cause a miscarriage. 24 hours later, she closed her eyes and never opened them again. She is dead because of the "Perfection" infecting those around her. We'd rather you die than shame this family. Thanks for taking care of that, honey. By the way, we'll do the right thing and make ourselves out to be the victims now. We have to. We're infected with "Perfection".

I could go on. This is all a small sampling of the disease called "Perfection". You have brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, extended family members, neighbors, friends, and children who are ALL these things, yet none of us will ever know. "Perfection" is a hideous monster with a really beautiful face. And chances are you're infected. The good news is, there is a cure.

Be real.

Embrace that you have weakness. Because everybody does. Embrace that your body is not perfect. Because nobody's is. Embrace that you have things you can't control. We all have a list of them.

Here's your wake-up call:

You aren't the only one who feels worthless sometimes.

You aren't the only one who took your frustrations out on your children today.

You aren't the only one who isn't making enough money to support your lifestyle.

You aren't the only one who has questions and doubts about your religion.

You aren't the only one who sometimes says things that really hurt other people.

You aren't the only one who feels trapped in your marriage.

You aren't the only one who gets down and hates yourself and you can't figure out why.

You aren't the only one that questions your sexual orientation.

You aren't the only one who hates your body.

You aren't the only one that can't control yourself around food.

Your husband is not the only husband who's addiction sends him online for his sexual fulfillment instead of to you.

Your wife is not the only wife that is mean and vindictive and makes you hate yourself.

Why didn't somebody, anybody, put their arm around that 12-year old boy and let him know that they loved him and would always love him? What was he being told and taught that he would end his own life over something that almost no teenager can control? Maybe that beautiful and wonderful boy would still be alive if even one person had broken down the "Perfection" that completely controlled all those in his life from whom he desperately craved validation.

Why didn't somebody, anybody, tell a beautiful pregnant girl that there was nothing so big in life that it couldn't be made right. Maybe that incredible young woman would still be alive. Maybe her now one-year-old child would be learning to walk or say "Mommy" right now. Maybe.

Maybe.

The cure is so simple.

Be real.

Be bold about your weaknesses and you will change people's lives. Be honest about who you actually are, and others will begin to be their actual selves around you. Once you cure yourself of the disease, others will come to you, asking if they can just "talk". People are desperate to talk. Some of the most "perfect" people around you will tell you of some of the greatest struggles going on. Some of the most "perfect" people around you will break down in tears as they tell you how difficult life is for them. Turns out some of the most "perfect" people around us are human beings after all, and are dying to talk to another human being about it.

You'll love them for it. And you'll love yourself even more.

Let's not forget this quote: "I went out to find a friend and could not find one there. I went out to be a friend, and friends were everywhere." Somebody who is being a friend doesn't spread "Perfection". Somebody who is being a friend spreads "Real". Then, and only then, can we all grow together.

I am not perfect, nor do I want anybody to think of me as such. Here's my dose of real:

I once stole a box of money that was meant for a child with cancer. There was more than $150 inside. That was 12 years ago, and I still hate the person in me that did that.

I believe in God, but not religion. It took me 30 years to find the courage to say that. It took me 30 years to believe that I could be a good man and still believe that.

I once got so angry at my wife that I hit the wall. The dent is still there, haunting me every time I see it because I never thought that was something I would do.

I once sat in my bedroom crying uncontrollably because I felt like everybody thought I was fat and ugly. I was a full grown man.

There are some people I avoid bumping into in public because I feel like I'm not as good as them.

I judge people harshly who share the same features that I hate about myself.

Sometimes I'm sad. Sometimes I'm not funny. Sometimes I just want to be alone. Sometimes I stay at home on a weekend because I just don't want to see the "Perfection" going on around me. Sometimes I want to drop-kick a perfect person's head across the room.

"Perfection" infects every corner of society. It infects our schools. It infects neighborhoods. It infects our workplaces. This is not to say that there aren't a lot of genuinely, happy people. I am one of those people. Most of the time. There is nothing more beautiful than a person finding true happiness in who they are and what they believe. No, this is not me trying to diminish the happiness in others. This is merely me pathetically attempting to put a face on a problem that I see everywhere but few people ever notice.

This is me, weeping as I write, asking the good people of the world to find somebody to put their arm around and be "real". This is me, wishing that people would realize how beautiful they are, even with all of their imperfections. This is me, sad and desperate for the girls in this world to love themselves. This is me, a very imperfect man, trying to help others feel a little more perfect by asking you to act a little less perfect.

Will you help me spread "Real"? Tell us below just how perfect you aren't. You never know who might be alive tomorrow because you were real today. You never know who needs to feel like they aren't alone in their inability to be perfect. Even if you comment as an anonymous guest, please comment. Tell us what you struggle with. Tell a sad or dark secret. Get vulnerable. Get real. Let's see if we can get 1,000 people showing the world that we're not defined by perfection.

And if you like, share this post. If you want the people around you to start being real, you have to be real first. If it's your first time here, we'd love to have you follow us. I promise it's not always this intense (or nearly this long). I'll post something really funny tomorrow.

Dan Pearce, Single Dad Being Real

[God vs. Science]

'Let me explain the problem science has with religion.'
The professor of philosophy pauses before his class and then asks one of his new students to stand.

'You're a Christian, aren't you, son?'
'Yes sir, 'the student says.

'So you believe in God?'

'Absolutely.'

'Is God good?'

'Sure! God's good.'

'Is God all-powerful? Can God do anything?'

'Yes'

'Are you good or evil?'

'The Bible says I'm evil.'

The professor grins knowingly. 'Aha! The Bible!’ He considers for a moment. 'Here's one for you. Let's say there's a sick person over here and you can cure him. You can do it. Would you help him? Would you try?'

'Yes sir, I would.'

'So you're good...!'

'I wouldn't say that.'

'But why not say that? You'd help a sick and maimed person if you could. Most of us would if we could. But God doesn't.'

The student does not answer, so the professor continues. 'He doesn't, does he? My brother was a Christian who died of cancer, even though he prayed to Jesus to heal him. How is this Jesus good? Can you answer that one?'

The student remains silent. 'No, you can't, can you?' the professor says. He takes a sip of water from a glass on his desk to give the student time to relax. 'Let's start again, young fella. Is God good?'

'Er..yes,' the student says.

'Is Satan good?'

The student doesn't hesitate on this one. 'No.'

'Then where does Satan come from?'

The student falters. 'From God'

'That's right. God made Satan, didn't he? Tell me, son. Is there evil in this world?'

'Yes, sir...'

'Evil's everywhere, isn't it? And God did make everything, correct?'

'Yes'

'So who created evil?' The professor continued, 'If God created everything, then God created evil, since evil exists, and according to the principle that our works define who we are, then God is evil.'

Again, the student has no answer. 'Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things, do they exist in this world?'

The student squirms on his feet. 'Yes.'

'So who created them?'

The student does not answer again, so the professor repeats his question. 'Who created them?' There is still no answer. Suddenly the lecturer breaks away to pace in front of the classroom. The class is mesmerized. 'Tell me,' he continues onto another student. 'Do you believe in Jesus Christ, son?'

 The student's voice betrays him and cracks. 'Yes, professor, I do.'

The old man stops pacing. 'Science says you have five senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Have you ever seen Jesus?'

'No sir. I've never seen Him.'

'Then tell us if you've ever heard your Jesus?'

'No, sir, I have not..'

'Have you ever felt your Jesus, tasted your Jesus, or smelled your Jesus? Have you ever had any sensory perception of Jesus Christ, or God for that matter?'

'No, sir, I'm afraid I haven't.'

'Yet you still believe in him?'

'Yes'

'According to the rules of empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your God doesn't exist... What do you say to that, son?'

'Nothing,' the student replies. 'I only have my faith.'

'Yes, faith,' the professor repeats. 'And that is the problem science has with God. There is no evidence, only faith.'

The student stands quietly for a moment, before asking a question of His own. 'Professor, is there such thing as heat?'

'Yes.'

'And is there such a thing as cold?'

'Yes, son, there's cold too.'

'No sir, there isn't.'

The professor turns to face the student, obviously interested. The room suddenly becomes very quiet. The student begins to explain.

'You can have lots of heat, even more heat, super-heat, mega-heat, unlimited heat,white heat, a little heat or no heat, but we don't have anything called 'cold'. We can hit down to 458 degrees below zero, which is no heat, but we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold; otherwise we would be able to go colder than the lowest -458 degrees. Every body or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (-458 F) is the total absence of heat. You see, sir, cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat we can measure in thermal units because heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.'

Silence across the room. A pen drops somewhere in the classroom, sounding like a hammer.

'What about darkness, professor. Is there such a thing as darkness?'

'Yes,' the professor replies without hesitation. 'What is night if it isn't darkness?'

'You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is not something; it is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light, but if you have no light constantly you have nothing and it's called darkness, isn't it? That's the meaning we use to define the word. In reality, darkness isn't. If it were, you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn't you?'

The professor begins to smile at the student in front of him. This will be a good semester. 'So what point are you making, young man?'

'Yes, professor. My point is, your philosophical premise is flawed to start with, and so your conclusion must also be flawed.'

The professor's face cannot hide his surprise this time. 'Flawed? Can you explain how?'

'You are working on the premise of duality,' the student explains... 'You argue that there is life and then there's death; a good God and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, science can't even explain a thought.' 'It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life, just the absence of it.' 'Now tell me, professor.. Do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?'

'If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, young man, yes, of course I do.'

'Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?'

The professor begins to shake his head, still smiling, as he realizes where the argument is going. A very good semester, indeed.

'Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you now not a scientist, but a preacher?'

The class is in uproar. The student remains silent until the commotion has subsided.

'To continue the point you were making earlier to the other student, let me give you an example of what I mean..' The student looks around the room. 'Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the professor's brain?' The class breaks out into laughter. 'Is there anyone here who has ever heard the professor's brain, felt the professor's brain, touched or smelt the professor's brain? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain, with all due respect, sir.' 'So if science says you have no brain, how can we trust your lectures, sir?'

Now the room is silent. The professor just stares at the student, his face unreadable. Finally, after what seems an eternity, the old man answers. 'I Guess you'll have to take them on faith.'

'Now, you accept that there is faith, and, in fact, faith exists with life,' the student continues. 'Now, sir, is there such a thing as evil?' Now uncertain, the professor responds, 'Of course, there is. We see it Everyday. It is in the daily example of man's inhumanity to man. It is in The multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil.'

To this the student replied, 'Evil does not exist sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God's love present in his heart. It's like the cold that comes when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there is no light.'


The professor sat down.




The student was Albert Einstein.
Albert Einstein wrote a book titled God vs. Science in 1921...

8/11/11

I went to bed last night with the girls at a little after 7:00 and got some much needed rest. I awoke refreshed and ready to start the day.

Today we are going to clean up around Grandma's house and play outside. The weather is so amazing! I went outside to grab my purse out of the van and it was actually ALMOST a bit chilly. I stood in the driveway for a second and closed my eyes and breathed it all in. Lovely.

Frank is "turning and burning" down in Fort Worth. He is running between yards in Fort Worth and Hearne, Texas. He is working alongside almost 30 other Conductors on his current board (instead of the 10 he is used to) but he is getting a ton of hours and averaging 4000 every two weeks, which is FANTASTIC money.

The transfer to Wichita is in the works. It should take anywhere from a few weeks to a few months. On the bright side, the longer it takes, the longer he gets to work down in Fort Worth and make good money :) Once he gets transferred to Wichita it will be a Remote Engineer position, which has its benefits. It's a yard job with a set schedule and weekends off. It will be great to have him home and be able to plan things for once. Plus he will be driving trains by remote control. How bad ass is that?! Lol.

Frank and I have been doing SO well since I got back from visiting Derby last time. It's as if we were seeing one another for the first time. The lines of communication were open in ways they never have been before. We laid in bed and talked for hours! He rubbed my feet and played with my hair... and we really got to know one another in ways we haven't taken the time to get to know one another.

Frank and I both have issues that pertain to ourselves as individuals, but when it comes to our MARRIAGE and "Frank and Amy" as a couple, we really don't have a lot of the issues that I see other couples struggling with. I think with the stress of having multiple children, Frank's high stress and demanding job, living in Blanchard OK (uggh) and being away from our families for the first time, and the laundry list of other stresses that have all compounded these last few years, it's a miracle we have survived... but I am GENUINELY and PASSIONATELY glad that we have.

I miss him substantially. I have gotten used to him being on the road and being away from us for periods of time, but it's never EASY, just bareable. It's the nature of his job. I feel more secure and content in our marriage than ever before, and I can't wait to see him on the 3rd of September.

Trey's 9th birthday is August 21st, and Eisley's 3rd birthday is September 10th. We have decided to have a double family birthday party for them on the weekend of September 3rd so that Frank doesn't have to drive up from Texas twice :) Trey is having his buddies over to spend the night at Grandma's house on his actual birthday and will be having his "friend" party, so it looks like he will have to settle for a Little Mermaid birthday cake and decorations at the family party. Lol. Such is life.

My mom and I are going to look at a few rentals here in Derby this weekend. There is a 3 bedroom / 2 bathroom duplex on Osage St (right behind the old Dillons) that is available September 10th. It has a 2 car garage, backyard, full finished basement, wood burning fireplace, and is really spacious. It's also newer, and we know the woman who is renting it personally. The backyard ISN'T fenced in, however, and that was at the top of our list of things we were looking for because of the kids. I guess we will see.

There is also a rental over by Pleasentview Elementary on Georgie street. It's an older house, but it has 4 bedrooms, fenced in backyard, and a garage. It's the same price as the newer duplex though, so that is something to consider. We are trying to stay between $800.00 and $900.00 a month when it comes to paying rent.

As soon as I nail down a program for the girls to attend during the day I am considering looking in to getting a part time job. I need to do something productive and contribute to our family financially. I also need to interact with other adults. I think that would quell my need for going out and being social. I was thinking about maybe going to Applebees and waitressing. I made at least $100.00+ every night I worked, and it was cash in hand at the end of every shift. I ran into one of the managers the other night when I was out, and he told me to come by. It's worth a shot.

I am still feeling GREAT about my choice to stay away from any kind of drinking. If I have the urge to go out and/or drink, I am going to call my brother. He has had such success with sobriety and he is a valuable resource!! I am committed to the betterment of myself and my family. The only thing standing my my way is MYSELF :)

That is all for right now :)

8/10/11

When you come to a fork in the road you have to make a choice. You weigh the options and then you choose... and you don't look back.

Life has brought my family back to Derby. This is where our heart is. In being here, I have come to realize that I have to change my mindset and center myself, or I will fall into the same habits and face the same issues I have worked so hard to get away from and overcome.

My brother just celebrated TWO YEARS of sobriety. It's such an amazing accomplishment and I am so proud of him. He came over and showed us all his two year coin, and I could see the pride and the pleasure of success written all over his face. I made the comment "I gotta get ME one of those..." and it got me to thinking.

I struggle with addiction. It's not a secret. I have struggled for as long as I can remember. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that since I have someone to watch the kids, I find myself being drawn to going out just because I CAN go out... and I find myself drinking just because I have the opportunity. From today on out I am going to make the conscious choice to stay at home and stay away from nonsense like that. My life has been wonderful lately, and I am going to continue down that positive life path. I refuse to be distracted by trivial and pointless activities such as staying out late and putting alcohol into my body.

Frank is in Texas, which breaks my heart. I am already feeling the sting of his absence. I miss him desperately when he is not around... and I feel like a large part of me is missing. I know the kids miss him too, which makes the distance even more difficult to bare. Neither of us are sure how long he will end up having to work down there or how long it will take for UP to push his Wichita transfer through, but hopefully it's not too long.

The search continues for a new place to live. I have emailed a few different folks in regards to properties that I found listed on Craigslist. I have also put the word out to friends that we are in the market to rent. Hopefully by the end of this month or the middle of next month we will have found something.

As soon as Trey starts school and I find a program for the girls to attend, I am going to start actively working on getting into shape and losing weight. The last month I have gotten off track, and I am ready to take the reigns and make some more progress. I intend of hitting the gym 3 times a week, and doing some strength training / cardio / interval training 5 days a week. My goal is to lose 10lbs a month... and eventually lose up to 100lbs. It's a big goal, but I feel that it's within my reach if I work hard and stay focused. 

Trey is enrolled at Tanglewood, which is exciting. I love the open classroom setup and the principal is a wonderful woman. I have high hopes for this year. Trey is also ready for football. His first practice in Thursday night. He is playing on the same team he was on last year.

Well, that is all I have for right now. I am sure I will right more later. It happens.