lyrics

Inside her body there is no calm
It is just a jar
She wears her silence like a sheet
masquerading as a peaceful ghoul
the heavens look pinpricked
she dials her miss america smile
and all the while she just peels
her screams stretched for miles
sleep/never is there refuge in sleep/silent sleep
just white hot hurricanes
searching for a space to rest
swallowing sleeping pills
begging chemicals to arrest
all sense - she says
i know what waits for me on the other side of those gauzy waves
that ominous cliff
i don't know why i didn't die that day
not really alive - just a mind full of spots
deep black i fall into with no face
sleep/never is there refuge in sleep/silent sleep
she runs out of herself down hallways
only to find she's still lying still

-Amy

Future Visioning

Since we have been at my parents, I sit at the piano... and after scales and arpeggios... I realize I’ve been playing circles of chords and letting myself improvise all over the place.

I haven’t had the chance to do this for a long time. All these parts of myself are coming back to life. I’ve been feeling those shivers that go up your spine when something is channeling through you. It has nothing to do with anything going on in my head. It’s total freedom. There are no critics, no pressures, no rules, no image, no boundaries.

I want to stay in that space for as long as I can and see what comes out of it. I wanna get a stack of cassettes for my old tape recorder and ‘freewrite’ onto them all.  ut, I’m not going to be precious about these ideas. I’m going to try to push myself further than I’ve gone before, because it feels good. It feels real. It's something just for myself.

I’m not trying to be a character or be like one of my idols or fit myself in a preconceived niche somewhere. I just want to do something that feels very real, and this is that thing! The thing about that is that it is not something you can pre-define. I’ll have to give up control... give myself up to the energy.

On another note, I was talking to a friend the other day about ‘future visioning’. I think it’s the key to keeping myself on the right track. I have to keep a future vision of myself in mind. The *ideal.* Who I want to be in 10 - 20 years. I think if I keep that clearly in my head my decisions will automatically go forward in that direction, even subconsciously. It also helps keep me grounded in atmospheres where I could be pushed or pulled off of my track.

When writing this future vision nothing is off limits. Nothing is out of reach. To reach anything is just a succession of small steps. A declaration of intent is the first step.

I almost listed all my future visions here but I think it’s too personal to openly declare. But I do have a very clear picture of where I am going.

Back when I was younger and in recovery I first heard of this future visioning thing. Now years later and after having kept my recovery for a long stretch of time I have learned this is a key element: how you picture yourself and your future affects everything you do.

If you don’t feel you deserve a bright future - or a great relationship - or to achieve your goals - you won’t. It’s the perfect breeding ground for addictions when you think negatively. If there is no future then who cares about the present.. etc.

The future - what do you look like? who are you with? where are you? where have you been? what are you doing? what have you done? do you have family? are you married? are you on a boat? are you in europe? what have you created? where are you living? who is in your life? what kind of a person are you? how are you helping the people around you? do you have children? do you have animals? where do you vacation? what do you eat? what skills do you have? how do people who are close to you feel about you? are you living at your full potential? are you still indulging your imagination? who is the person you are in a relationship with? What qualities do they have? are you a good lover? can people come to you with their problems? etc.

If you think of your future self as someone you will be - you start to act as if you are that person - eventually that is what you are.

When I’m trying to push myself I feel very uncomfortable. When I’m trying to change and do something better I always feel off kilter. If you are trying to get somewhere great many of the steps that lead you there are terrifying, disappointing, and you doubt if you are good enough to be even trying, or if you have anything great to share with the world, or who cares?, or hasn’t everything been done already, etc. but I just try to shut those voices out and keep focused on my vision of the future.

Never stop creating because you feel everything has already ‘been done’. There has never been another you. It is your unique point of view.