[something is different]

The last 24 hours have been some of the most emotional hours I have lived.

When you can only sit and helplessly watch as your entire world has the possibility to be taken from you... it really puts things into perspective.

I sat on the couch and stared, holding my son in my arms. Holding my breath and crying out to the Lord in silence. Waiting. Hoping. Imagining the worse but forcing myself to believe the best. 

Not being able to hear Franks voice and not knowing whether or not he was safe shook me to my core. Although I had faith he was just fine... and I knew he had made it to the shelter in time... seeing the devestation on the television and knowing he was facing such a monster was enough to break my heart into countless pieces.
I am forever changed due to this experience.

I have cried so many tears for those who lost their lives these last few days... and for those who are searching for those they love.

I have cried so many tears for the mistakes I've made in my marriage (both big and small) and for any and all of the moments with the man I love that have been taken for granted. I will never again take for granted being able to smell him, touch him, or hear his voice. During the 30 minutes in which I did not know if he was safe... I realized that there would be no me without him. My entire world is wrapped up in what we have built together.

I have cried so many tears of joy for the fact that my babies are safe and that I can hold them in my arms and press my face into their hair and breath them in. I know there are parents out there tonight who would give anything to see the sweet smile of their child. I know there are parents out there who would gladly give their own life to breath life back into their precious Angels who have gone to sit by the Father in heaven.  

I have cried so many tears of joy for the fact that my home is still standing... and that everything we own (down to the very last sock) is exactly where we left them when we headed for Derby a week ago. I will never again complain of not having what others have, because Lord knows I am BLESSED and THANKFUL to have all that I have. I am blessed to have stains on my carpet and tiny little sticky hand prints on my walls. I thank the Lord that I am not one of the many who have nothing.

Needless to say I am changed. Something inside of me is different. I am drowning in it. Letting the tears flow. Letting the fear and joy shake me to my core.