drinking.

I have not been successful in not drinking. It's unfortunate. I feel defeated and powerless, and it's very humbling and REAL.

Am I an alcoholic? Sometimes it’s hard to even ask that question of myself. I remember when I first realized there was a problem many years ago, I didn’t want to use that word. It made me cringe. It still does.

The biggest barrier I am facing regarding "recovery" and choosing to stay away from booze all together is finding that FULL acceptance that me and alcohol are better off without each other. I will believe it completely one day, and the next day I am right back to wanting to go out. *sigh*

Someone close to me told me "to avoid the definitions when you are trying to figure out if you need help!" People still like to think of an alcoholic as only the person who wakes up in the morning shaking so they have a shot of booze in their OJ to settle the shakes. Nothing could be further from the truth. I was reading some literature my sister brought over for me today, and there was a sentence that stuck with me. "If when you drink alcohol, bad things happen, you’ve got a problem!"

I have heard a lot about the woman in New York who killed herself, her daughter, and three nieces, as well as two people in another vehicle while driving the wrong way on the highway while drunk. Her family doesn’t believe she was an alcoholic. Maybe it’s just the label. This was certainly someone who had a problem with drinking.

It’s likely she didn’t drink all the time – didn’t fit that traditional myth of what an alcoholic is. Maybe she only drank on the weekends, or when on outings. But when she drank, she DRANK. Sounds all too familiar.

I am a binge drinker... and from what I understand, binge drinkers are a tough lot to crack – because we often think that since we only get drunk once in a while, we don't have a problem. I am guilty of tricking myself into believing that lie... but when I ask myself that question: when you drink, do bad things happen – I have my answer.

Bad things happen when I drink... so I am going to forget the labels for now – and just deal with the problem.

Since we've been in Derby, I fight with myself NIGHTLY regarding whether I should stay in or go out. I spend hours convincing myself to go against my better judgement. I know, deep down, that I have not made wise choices, and that I will continue to make unwise choices if I continue to go out and consume alcohol.

 You would think that I would be able to exhibit some self control... and that, in being an adult, be able to learn from experience and make choices accordingly. I am frustrated with myself for struggling with this as much as I am, and for allowing myself to slip backwards instead of making great strides forward.

My life is a whirlwind currently. My husband is gone, we have no set plan for the future, we have nowhere to live. I am not sure if we are going to stay in Derby or move to Fort Worth. I am not sure when we will all be together again! I feel restless and confused... and I honestly feel like I am behaving like a teenager, and that is NOT who I am.

My brother is coming over tonight to talk. He has two years of sobriety and has struggled with a lot of the same issues I am dealing with. I am going to surround myself with positive influences and do the BEST I can to ground myself, center myself, and do what I need to do to be happy and healthy. All I can do is take it one day at a time. Tonight I will go to bed and rest... and wake up tomorrow ready to face the day and all it will bring.