not drinking.

I had a great chat with my brother this evening after dinner. We sat out on the front porch and opened up the lines of communication regarding the struggles I am facing right now.

I am struggling. I am struggling to sit still. I am struggling to make sense of the chaos that has become my life as of late. I am struggling to quiet the noise inside of my head. I am struggling to find myself. I am struggling to stay away from drinking and to ignore the urge to throw myself into situations where I can pretend to be someone I'm not.

I'm like a balloon. If someone isn't there to hold my string... I simply float away! I feel like no one is holding my string. I feel as if I am floating away, no direction... no plan... no structure or stability. I feel confused and distracted. I have 1,000 different things pulling me in 1,000 different directions, and I have allowed the stress to lead me back to a place where I give in to my addictive nature.

I have always struggled with addiction in one form or another. Luckily I have moved past my addiction to substances, and now I only struggle with alcohol. I drank for the first time when I was 14. I think I've always known that I didn't handle alcohol like other people. I would usually behave manically... crying one second and laughing the next. I always drank TOO much / more than other people. I always had such AWFUL hangovers... more so than my friends. I found myself going to extreme lengths to drink... and being dishonest about my drinking.

After all of the negative experiences I have had throughout my lifetime... why would I choose to keep putting myself in situations where I continue to have negative experiences? When I start thinking about getting drunk, why can't I just squash the idea and move past it? Why do I validate my drinking and make excuses for it, when I know that I am only validating and making excuses? Why do I drink when I know that the next day I am going to feel like I was run over by a bus? Why do I drink when I know I am going to feel guilty and mentally punish myself for it? Why do I choose drinking over being at home with my kids at night, when there is nothing in the world more important to me than my kids?! Why do I do this to myself?!

The answer to all of those questions is "because I am an alcoholic." I may not drink every day, but I have an obvious problem. I have the brain and body chemistry of an alcoholic, and if I dont stop now, Lord knows where I will end up. I am an addict. I am powerless. I have decided to follow the AA program, work the steps, and devote myself to sobriety. It may sound cliche and ridiculous, but it has worked wonders for John. I have seen the changes that have come about in his life, and the joy that freedom from addiction can bring to someone. I am ready to make a change and to stick with it. John is going to be my sponsor and work with me through this process.

The last month I have been going out drinking frequently. Even before we moved back here, the last few times I visited I spent an ample amount of time at the bar. This last month I have noticed that regardless of the AMOUNT that I drink, the next day is always very tough for me. My body aches, I have the shakes, my muscles twitch, I break out into a cold sweat, etc. It has progressively gotten worse with each incident. The hangover has gone from being a hangover to being torture. Medically that is a sign of the disease of alcoholism. I have also had episodes where I dont remember hours at a time while drinking. I am fearful that if I keep heading down the path I am on currently, I will find myself in a place I don't want to be.

I am going to go to two meetings a week... and invest myself in ACTIVELY staying away from alcohol. I feel a sense of comfort knowing that my brother is going to walk beside me in this journey and share his wealth of knowledge with me. John and I have struggled with a lot of the same issues. I have faith that he can help me in ways that I need to be helped.

I have also come to realize that drinking isnt the only issue I need to face. My life is full of them at the moment. If I dont start to take care of myself (both physically and emotionally) I am going to eventually break. I owe it to myself, my husband, and my children to be the BEST that I can be, and to healthy both in body and mind. Eliminating alcohol will be a step in the right direction, and hopefully will lead me toward breakthroughs in other areas of my life as well.