Today has been a GREAT day. I stayed up late last night, reading a few different books that my brother and sister gave me. I woke up this morning with a sense of contentment that I haven't felt in a long time.
Opening up and talking about my issues has really helped me to process them. Sharing my struggles with other people and opening up the channels of loving exchange has allowed me to view myself through someone elses eyes, and to view my situation from a different perspective. It's an amazing gift to have such kind, caring, and understanding friends in my life.
Drinking aside... I have so many other things going on right now! Frank is working his butt off down in Fort Worth. He is like the energizer bunny!! He works, sleeps, work, sleeps. He loves it though :) He was born to be a railroader. He is supposed to call me tonight when he gets off the train. We have much to discuss.
The main thing we have to talk about is the fact that I REALLY dont want to move to Fort Worth. I REALLLLLY don't. I have a list of reasons.
1.) It's too far away from Derby.
2.) I would never see Frank... and I would be on my own.
3.) We shouldnt be moving the kids around so much.
4.) It's TEXAS... and I'm a Liberal Democrat. (Ha)
5.) I enjoy all that being in Derby has to offer.
6.) There is more to life than money.
The list goes on and on! Also, Trey is getting ready to start school at Tanglewood. He has a male teacher this year, which is such a blessing! Trey responds better to male authority figures. I have a feeling that it's going to be a great year! Most of his little football buddies are in his class, and I have already had a very positive experience with his teacher. It's such a shame to jerk Trey out of school and move him again.
I can understand from a financial standpoint why Frank would want to stay in Fort Worth. If he pushes the transfer through and comes up here to Wichita, he loses all of the seniority he has gained since he started working for UP. That means he would be the low man on the pole... and at risk of getting bumped or being out of work. That's a large risk to take when we have financial responsibilities. We are not for certain that he would end up being bumped or without work, but it COULD happen. Hell, it COULD happen anywhere. That is the nature of the railroad.
Frank holds seniority down in Fort Worth, so he is secure in his position. He is working so much that he is making more money than I thought possible (to be honest.) For a guy without a college degree to be pulling in 80K a year... that's impressive and hard to come by. Having him give that up to move up here where we'd have to live with the lack of job security seems ridiculous, but like I said, there is more to life than money.
In talking with him tonight we have to figure out where we are going and what we are doing. If we stay here and he goes ahead with the transfer, I have to find us somewhere to live. It's not that i dont LOVE my parents (ha), but living here is making me feel like I'm in high school again. It's not healthy. I haven't jumped on finding a place because we are so up in the air about what is going to happen with the job situation.
I also need to find the girls a preschool/program to attend. The MDO in Mulvane wont call me back -grumble- and it was the only one that I found that was the same quality and had the same program type as what the girls are used to. Looks like it will be back to the drawing board for momma. I think it's important to get them into something so they can interact with other kids their age and learn some basics. Eisley WILL be going to Faith Lutheran 3 year old preschool next year. Emery WILL follow when she turns 3. I value early education. It makes a huge difference.
Well, that is all I really have for today. Like I said, it's been a good day. My blog entries yesterday were kind of dark and serious. I am not going to sugar coat anything... because that's not my style. I am going through some dark and serious things in my life right now. It feels good to talk about it, though.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Sunday, August 14, 2011
not drinking.
I had a great chat with my brother this evening after dinner. We sat out on the front porch and opened up the lines of communication regarding the struggles I am facing right now.
I am struggling. I am struggling to sit still. I am struggling to make sense of the chaos that has become my life as of late. I am struggling to quiet the noise inside of my head. I am struggling to find myself. I am struggling to stay away from drinking and to ignore the urge to throw myself into situations where I can pretend to be someone I'm not.
I'm like a balloon. If someone isn't there to hold my string... I simply float away! I feel like no one is holding my string. I feel as if I am floating away, no direction... no plan... no structure or stability. I feel confused and distracted. I have 1,000 different things pulling me in 1,000 different directions, and I have allowed the stress to lead me back to a place where I give in to my addictive nature.
I have always struggled with addiction in one form or another. Luckily I have moved past my addiction to substances, and now I only struggle with alcohol. I drank for the first time when I was 14. I think I've always known that I didn't handle alcohol like other people. I would usually behave manically... crying one second and laughing the next. I always drank TOO much / more than other people. I always had such AWFUL hangovers... more so than my friends. I found myself going to extreme lengths to drink... and being dishonest about my drinking.
After all of the negative experiences I have had throughout my lifetime... why would I choose to keep putting myself in situations where I continue to have negative experiences? When I start thinking about getting drunk, why can't I just squash the idea and move past it? Why do I validate my drinking and make excuses for it, when I know that I am only validating and making excuses? Why do I drink when I know that the next day I am going to feel like I was run over by a bus? Why do I drink when I know I am going to feel guilty and mentally punish myself for it? Why do I choose drinking over being at home with my kids at night, when there is nothing in the world more important to me than my kids?! Why do I do this to myself?!
The answer to all of those questions is "because I am an alcoholic." I may not drink every day, but I have an obvious problem. I have the brain and body chemistry of an alcoholic, and if I dont stop now, Lord knows where I will end up. I am an addict. I am powerless. I have decided to follow the AA program, work the steps, and devote myself to sobriety. It may sound cliche and ridiculous, but it has worked wonders for John. I have seen the changes that have come about in his life, and the joy that freedom from addiction can bring to someone. I am ready to make a change and to stick with it. John is going to be my sponsor and work with me through this process.
The last month I have been going out drinking frequently. Even before we moved back here, the last few times I visited I spent an ample amount of time at the bar. This last month I have noticed that regardless of the AMOUNT that I drink, the next day is always very tough for me. My body aches, I have the shakes, my muscles twitch, I break out into a cold sweat, etc. It has progressively gotten worse with each incident. The hangover has gone from being a hangover to being torture. Medically that is a sign of the disease of alcoholism. I have also had episodes where I dont remember hours at a time while drinking. I am fearful that if I keep heading down the path I am on currently, I will find myself in a place I don't want to be.
I am going to go to two meetings a week... and invest myself in ACTIVELY staying away from alcohol. I feel a sense of comfort knowing that my brother is going to walk beside me in this journey and share his wealth of knowledge with me. John and I have struggled with a lot of the same issues. I have faith that he can help me in ways that I need to be helped.
I have also come to realize that drinking isnt the only issue I need to face. My life is full of them at the moment. If I dont start to take care of myself (both physically and emotionally) I am going to eventually break. I owe it to myself, my husband, and my children to be the BEST that I can be, and to healthy both in body and mind. Eliminating alcohol will be a step in the right direction, and hopefully will lead me toward breakthroughs in other areas of my life as well.
I am struggling. I am struggling to sit still. I am struggling to make sense of the chaos that has become my life as of late. I am struggling to quiet the noise inside of my head. I am struggling to find myself. I am struggling to stay away from drinking and to ignore the urge to throw myself into situations where I can pretend to be someone I'm not.
I'm like a balloon. If someone isn't there to hold my string... I simply float away! I feel like no one is holding my string. I feel as if I am floating away, no direction... no plan... no structure or stability. I feel confused and distracted. I have 1,000 different things pulling me in 1,000 different directions, and I have allowed the stress to lead me back to a place where I give in to my addictive nature.
I have always struggled with addiction in one form or another. Luckily I have moved past my addiction to substances, and now I only struggle with alcohol. I drank for the first time when I was 14. I think I've always known that I didn't handle alcohol like other people. I would usually behave manically... crying one second and laughing the next. I always drank TOO much / more than other people. I always had such AWFUL hangovers... more so than my friends. I found myself going to extreme lengths to drink... and being dishonest about my drinking.
After all of the negative experiences I have had throughout my lifetime... why would I choose to keep putting myself in situations where I continue to have negative experiences? When I start thinking about getting drunk, why can't I just squash the idea and move past it? Why do I validate my drinking and make excuses for it, when I know that I am only validating and making excuses? Why do I drink when I know that the next day I am going to feel like I was run over by a bus? Why do I drink when I know I am going to feel guilty and mentally punish myself for it? Why do I choose drinking over being at home with my kids at night, when there is nothing in the world more important to me than my kids?! Why do I do this to myself?!
The answer to all of those questions is "because I am an alcoholic." I may not drink every day, but I have an obvious problem. I have the brain and body chemistry of an alcoholic, and if I dont stop now, Lord knows where I will end up. I am an addict. I am powerless. I have decided to follow the AA program, work the steps, and devote myself to sobriety. It may sound cliche and ridiculous, but it has worked wonders for John. I have seen the changes that have come about in his life, and the joy that freedom from addiction can bring to someone. I am ready to make a change and to stick with it. John is going to be my sponsor and work with me through this process.
The last month I have been going out drinking frequently. Even before we moved back here, the last few times I visited I spent an ample amount of time at the bar. This last month I have noticed that regardless of the AMOUNT that I drink, the next day is always very tough for me. My body aches, I have the shakes, my muscles twitch, I break out into a cold sweat, etc. It has progressively gotten worse with each incident. The hangover has gone from being a hangover to being torture. Medically that is a sign of the disease of alcoholism. I have also had episodes where I dont remember hours at a time while drinking. I am fearful that if I keep heading down the path I am on currently, I will find myself in a place I don't want to be.
I am going to go to two meetings a week... and invest myself in ACTIVELY staying away from alcohol. I feel a sense of comfort knowing that my brother is going to walk beside me in this journey and share his wealth of knowledge with me. John and I have struggled with a lot of the same issues. I have faith that he can help me in ways that I need to be helped.
I have also come to realize that drinking isnt the only issue I need to face. My life is full of them at the moment. If I dont start to take care of myself (both physically and emotionally) I am going to eventually break. I owe it to myself, my husband, and my children to be the BEST that I can be, and to healthy both in body and mind. Eliminating alcohol will be a step in the right direction, and hopefully will lead me toward breakthroughs in other areas of my life as well.
drinking.
I have not been successful in not drinking. It's unfortunate. I feel defeated and powerless, and it's very humbling and REAL.
Am I an alcoholic? Sometimes it’s hard to even ask that question of myself. I remember when I first realized there was a problem many years ago, I didn’t want to use that word. It made me cringe. It still does.
The biggest barrier I am facing regarding "recovery" and choosing to stay away from booze all together is finding that FULL acceptance that me and alcohol are better off without each other. I will believe it completely one day, and the next day I am right back to wanting to go out. *sigh*
Someone close to me told me "to avoid the definitions when you are trying to figure out if you need help!" People still like to think of an alcoholic as only the person who wakes up in the morning shaking so they have a shot of booze in their OJ to settle the shakes. Nothing could be further from the truth. I was reading some literature my sister brought over for me today, and there was a sentence that stuck with me. "If when you drink alcohol, bad things happen, you’ve got a problem!"
I have heard a lot about the woman in New York who killed herself, her daughter, and three nieces, as well as two people in another vehicle while driving the wrong way on the highway while drunk. Her family doesn’t believe she was an alcoholic. Maybe it’s just the label. This was certainly someone who had a problem with drinking.
It’s likely she didn’t drink all the time – didn’t fit that traditional myth of what an alcoholic is. Maybe she only drank on the weekends, or when on outings. But when she drank, she DRANK. Sounds all too familiar.
I am a binge drinker... and from what I understand, binge drinkers are a tough lot to crack – because we often think that since we only get drunk once in a while, we don't have a problem. I am guilty of tricking myself into believing that lie... but when I ask myself that question: when you drink, do bad things happen – I have my answer.
Bad things happen when I drink... so I am going to forget the labels for now – and just deal with the problem.
Since we've been in Derby, I fight with myself NIGHTLY regarding whether I should stay in or go out. I spend hours convincing myself to go against my better judgement. I know, deep down, that I have not made wise choices, and that I will continue to make unwise choices if I continue to go out and consume alcohol.
You would think that I would be able to exhibit some self control... and that, in being an adult, be able to learn from experience and make choices accordingly. I am frustrated with myself for struggling with this as much as I am, and for allowing myself to slip backwards instead of making great strides forward.
My life is a whirlwind currently. My husband is gone, we have no set plan for the future, we have nowhere to live. I am not sure if we are going to stay in Derby or move to Fort Worth. I am not sure when we will all be together again! I feel restless and confused... and I honestly feel like I am behaving like a teenager, and that is NOT who I am.
My brother is coming over tonight to talk. He has two years of sobriety and has struggled with a lot of the same issues I am dealing with. I am going to surround myself with positive influences and do the BEST I can to ground myself, center myself, and do what I need to do to be happy and healthy. All I can do is take it one day at a time. Tonight I will go to bed and rest... and wake up tomorrow ready to face the day and all it will bring.
Am I an alcoholic? Sometimes it’s hard to even ask that question of myself. I remember when I first realized there was a problem many years ago, I didn’t want to use that word. It made me cringe. It still does.
The biggest barrier I am facing regarding "recovery" and choosing to stay away from booze all together is finding that FULL acceptance that me and alcohol are better off without each other. I will believe it completely one day, and the next day I am right back to wanting to go out. *sigh*
Someone close to me told me "to avoid the definitions when you are trying to figure out if you need help!" People still like to think of an alcoholic as only the person who wakes up in the morning shaking so they have a shot of booze in their OJ to settle the shakes. Nothing could be further from the truth. I was reading some literature my sister brought over for me today, and there was a sentence that stuck with me. "If when you drink alcohol, bad things happen, you’ve got a problem!"
I have heard a lot about the woman in New York who killed herself, her daughter, and three nieces, as well as two people in another vehicle while driving the wrong way on the highway while drunk. Her family doesn’t believe she was an alcoholic. Maybe it’s just the label. This was certainly someone who had a problem with drinking.
It’s likely she didn’t drink all the time – didn’t fit that traditional myth of what an alcoholic is. Maybe she only drank on the weekends, or when on outings. But when she drank, she DRANK. Sounds all too familiar.
I am a binge drinker... and from what I understand, binge drinkers are a tough lot to crack – because we often think that since we only get drunk once in a while, we don't have a problem. I am guilty of tricking myself into believing that lie... but when I ask myself that question: when you drink, do bad things happen – I have my answer.
Bad things happen when I drink... so I am going to forget the labels for now – and just deal with the problem.
Since we've been in Derby, I fight with myself NIGHTLY regarding whether I should stay in or go out. I spend hours convincing myself to go against my better judgement. I know, deep down, that I have not made wise choices, and that I will continue to make unwise choices if I continue to go out and consume alcohol.
You would think that I would be able to exhibit some self control... and that, in being an adult, be able to learn from experience and make choices accordingly. I am frustrated with myself for struggling with this as much as I am, and for allowing myself to slip backwards instead of making great strides forward.
My life is a whirlwind currently. My husband is gone, we have no set plan for the future, we have nowhere to live. I am not sure if we are going to stay in Derby or move to Fort Worth. I am not sure when we will all be together again! I feel restless and confused... and I honestly feel like I am behaving like a teenager, and that is NOT who I am.
My brother is coming over tonight to talk. He has two years of sobriety and has struggled with a lot of the same issues I am dealing with. I am going to surround myself with positive influences and do the BEST I can to ground myself, center myself, and do what I need to do to be happy and healthy. All I can do is take it one day at a time. Tonight I will go to bed and rest... and wake up tomorrow ready to face the day and all it will bring.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
8/13/11
Wow, so much happened yesterday that I am not even sure where to begin. I will start off by saying that i am enjoying blogging every day. It feels good to do something for myself. I dont really care if anyone reads it or takes any active interest in what I have to say, but sitting here with my fingers on the keyboard... pouring out whatever comes into my mind... feels liberating and is rather therapeutic.
Anyway, yesterday was quite the day. The kids all seemed to get out of bed on the wrong foot. Everyone was cranky and tired. We managed to make it through the early morning in one piece, but by the time 11:00 rolled around, it was DEFINITELY time for naps. I have been having a hard time keeping Eisley in the bedroom for nap time because she has figured out how get in and out (even WITH the toddler proof doorknobs.)
I put the girls down and sat beside the door until I was sure they were sleeping. I figured this was the best solution to the problem. I went downstairs to do the dishes... and after 10 minutes I heard the pitter-patter of little feet running around upstairs. Upon inspection, I found that Eisley had gotten into the bathroom and eaten an entire bottle of Children's Chewable Tylenol (80mg.)
I called poison control, her pediatrician, and anyone else I could think of. Needless to say I was totally freaking out. Come to find out it wasn't enough of a dose to be toxic or damage her liver, but it WAS enough to possibly make her sick.
In all of the commotion, it somehow escaped me that she had ALSO found scissors and butchered her hair. She cut off at least 4 inches in the back in a few places, chopped off quite a bit on the top, and cut down to the scalp in the front. *sigh* Luckily Mort was able to fit us in and fashion an ADORABLE little bob cut out of the mess. Super sassy.
While we were there, however, Eisley managed to throw a full-on temper tantrum... complete with kicking, screaming, crying, thrashing around, and near hyperventilation. Mort took it all in stride and was a good sport. By the time we left, Eisley was worn out and ready to crash, and so was I!!
When we got home, the girls were pretty much ready for bed, considering they didn't nap and had spent the day on a mission to drive their mother crazy. After a few hours of sleep Eisley woke up and puked everywhere. She went back to sleep, only to wake up and puke everywhere a second time. Poor thing finally got back to bed for good, hydrated to the hilt by Pedialite.
This morning everyone seems to be feeling much better. Eisley is up to no good and is her usual ornery self. Trey had to go do some community service with his football team bright and early, and then is headed over to the varsity/JV scrimmage at Panther Stadium with a friend. Emery seems to just be going along for the ride. She is such a sweet puddin. In the midst of the chaos she is usually the calm.
Frank called last night and let me know that UP has plans of furloughing many of the Wichita / Oklahoma employees at the end of the season. When the weather is cold, they cut back on work. That doesnt bode well for his transfer up to Wichita. Frank has also tasted the fruit of Fort Worth... with the fabulous pay, tons of hours, and the company of all of the guys he trained with. I have a feeling that our little family is eventually going to end up down there... (but that's a blog post all in itself.)
Hoping today is a little less stressful! Tonight we are having dinner at my brother's house for my parents 40th wedding Anniversary. Got a sitter for the kiddos so that we can enjoy the evening in the company of adults for once!
Anyway, yesterday was quite the day. The kids all seemed to get out of bed on the wrong foot. Everyone was cranky and tired. We managed to make it through the early morning in one piece, but by the time 11:00 rolled around, it was DEFINITELY time for naps. I have been having a hard time keeping Eisley in the bedroom for nap time because she has figured out how get in and out (even WITH the toddler proof doorknobs.)
I put the girls down and sat beside the door until I was sure they were sleeping. I figured this was the best solution to the problem. I went downstairs to do the dishes... and after 10 minutes I heard the pitter-patter of little feet running around upstairs. Upon inspection, I found that Eisley had gotten into the bathroom and eaten an entire bottle of Children's Chewable Tylenol (80mg.)
I called poison control, her pediatrician, and anyone else I could think of. Needless to say I was totally freaking out. Come to find out it wasn't enough of a dose to be toxic or damage her liver, but it WAS enough to possibly make her sick.
In all of the commotion, it somehow escaped me that she had ALSO found scissors and butchered her hair. She cut off at least 4 inches in the back in a few places, chopped off quite a bit on the top, and cut down to the scalp in the front. *sigh* Luckily Mort was able to fit us in and fashion an ADORABLE little bob cut out of the mess. Super sassy.
While we were there, however, Eisley managed to throw a full-on temper tantrum... complete with kicking, screaming, crying, thrashing around, and near hyperventilation. Mort took it all in stride and was a good sport. By the time we left, Eisley was worn out and ready to crash, and so was I!!
When we got home, the girls were pretty much ready for bed, considering they didn't nap and had spent the day on a mission to drive their mother crazy. After a few hours of sleep Eisley woke up and puked everywhere. She went back to sleep, only to wake up and puke everywhere a second time. Poor thing finally got back to bed for good, hydrated to the hilt by Pedialite.
This morning everyone seems to be feeling much better. Eisley is up to no good and is her usual ornery self. Trey had to go do some community service with his football team bright and early, and then is headed over to the varsity/JV scrimmage at Panther Stadium with a friend. Emery seems to just be going along for the ride. She is such a sweet puddin. In the midst of the chaos she is usually the calm.
Frank called last night and let me know that UP has plans of furloughing many of the Wichita / Oklahoma employees at the end of the season. When the weather is cold, they cut back on work. That doesnt bode well for his transfer up to Wichita. Frank has also tasted the fruit of Fort Worth... with the fabulous pay, tons of hours, and the company of all of the guys he trained with. I have a feeling that our little family is eventually going to end up down there... (but that's a blog post all in itself.)
Hoping today is a little less stressful! Tonight we are having dinner at my brother's house for my parents 40th wedding Anniversary. Got a sitter for the kiddos so that we can enjoy the evening in the company of adults for once!
Friday, August 12, 2011
8/12/11
It's the start of another beautiful day. I am going to go ahead and repeat that one more time, in hopes that in repeating it I can somehow will it to be. "It's the start of another beautiful day!"
*Yawn!* I am super tired this morning. It seems that I always require more sleep than my children. I guess that is how it's SUPPOSED to work, but I sure wish it wasn't. If they would only sleep in until maybe 8:30am, I would be a happy camper! 7:00am is just too early, darnit!
Yesterday my two youngest kiddos were terrors. Eisley has learned how to work the toddler-proof doorknobs that we have been using the last year to keep her out of things and to keep her contained. It's unfortunate. It was hard to maintain order before, but now it's near impossible.
I welcome challenges as a parent. I expect challenges! It means I have critical thinkers, problem solvers, and highly intellectual children. Lol. On a completely serious note, I do firmly believe that my kids are bright kids. They never cease to amaze me. On more than one occasion I have taken a step back and asked myself "where on Earth did they learn THAT" or "I can't believe they figured THAT out!" It makes for some long days and some high blood pressure, however.
We are still working on potty training with Miss Eisley. It has been weeks since we have a tinkle accident, but we can't seem to get the poo in the potty. *Sigh* I am at the end of the my rope with it. I am hoping that she will eventually figure it out! Emery seems that she is interested in potty training as well. It would be quite the trip if Emery ended up mastering it before her sister. I really dont care in what order it gets done, but I am sick to death of poop, and I can't wait to not have to worry about it anymore!
I spoke with Frank last night and it seems as if he is going to be working down in Fort Worth for a while. The transfer and all of the paperwork/training it takes to get up to Wichita will take a while. It might even be the first of 2012. Being apart that long will SUCK, but the money he will be making in the meantime makes up for it. (slightly.)
Since the kids and I arrived here in town, I have been on a mission to try and find somewhere for us to live (naturally.) It was my intention to have somewhere nailed down by the 1st of September. After much consideration and in talking with frank, we have decided it may be in our best interest to take a month or two to look for the right place, and to save save SAVE. We have some things we would like to pay off and it would be nice to grow a good sized financial cushion before we take on anything new.
Since the kids and I have the chance to stay with my parents (which means no money going out the door every month for rent and utilities), that easily saves us upwards of $2,000 in a two month time period. Can't argue with that. Plus I dont want to rush into signing a years lease on a place i am not in love with. We made this mistake with Blanchard and our current apartment.
Any way, my computer is acting funny lately. It took me WAY too long to type this since my cursor kept putting me in different places and deleting what i typed. Hmmm. I am going to run a virus scan and pray that it fixes it. I have also been having issues with facebook. *Grumble!* I guess I will just have to wait and see.
*Yawn!* I am super tired this morning. It seems that I always require more sleep than my children. I guess that is how it's SUPPOSED to work, but I sure wish it wasn't. If they would only sleep in until maybe 8:30am, I would be a happy camper! 7:00am is just too early, darnit!
Yesterday my two youngest kiddos were terrors. Eisley has learned how to work the toddler-proof doorknobs that we have been using the last year to keep her out of things and to keep her contained. It's unfortunate. It was hard to maintain order before, but now it's near impossible.
I welcome challenges as a parent. I expect challenges! It means I have critical thinkers, problem solvers, and highly intellectual children. Lol. On a completely serious note, I do firmly believe that my kids are bright kids. They never cease to amaze me. On more than one occasion I have taken a step back and asked myself "where on Earth did they learn THAT" or "I can't believe they figured THAT out!" It makes for some long days and some high blood pressure, however.
We are still working on potty training with Miss Eisley. It has been weeks since we have a tinkle accident, but we can't seem to get the poo in the potty. *Sigh* I am at the end of the my rope with it. I am hoping that she will eventually figure it out! Emery seems that she is interested in potty training as well. It would be quite the trip if Emery ended up mastering it before her sister. I really dont care in what order it gets done, but I am sick to death of poop, and I can't wait to not have to worry about it anymore!
I spoke with Frank last night and it seems as if he is going to be working down in Fort Worth for a while. The transfer and all of the paperwork/training it takes to get up to Wichita will take a while. It might even be the first of 2012. Being apart that long will SUCK, but the money he will be making in the meantime makes up for it. (slightly.)
Since the kids and I arrived here in town, I have been on a mission to try and find somewhere for us to live (naturally.) It was my intention to have somewhere nailed down by the 1st of September. After much consideration and in talking with frank, we have decided it may be in our best interest to take a month or two to look for the right place, and to save save SAVE. We have some things we would like to pay off and it would be nice to grow a good sized financial cushion before we take on anything new.
Since the kids and I have the chance to stay with my parents (which means no money going out the door every month for rent and utilities), that easily saves us upwards of $2,000 in a two month time period. Can't argue with that. Plus I dont want to rush into signing a years lease on a place i am not in love with. We made this mistake with Blanchard and our current apartment.
Any way, my computer is acting funny lately. It took me WAY too long to type this since my cursor kept putting me in different places and deleting what i typed. Hmmm. I am going to run a virus scan and pray that it fixes it. I have also been having issues with facebook. *Grumble!* I guess I will just have to wait and see.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
[The disease of perfection]
*Taken from a blog called "SINGLE DAD LAUGHING"....
THE DISEASE OF PERFECTION.
As a warning, the following post was written in complete desperation. I have recently learned some very sobering truths from people that I love dearly. These truths have set in motion a quest within me to do whatever I can to make a change. Today is not geared at funny. Today is geared at something greater. Read it to the very end. I promise you will be affected in a way you have always needed to be. I spent more than twelve hours writing this post because its message is that important to me.
I wonder. Am I the only one aware that there is an infectious mental disease laying siege on us right now? There is a serious pandemic of "Perfection" spreading, and it needs to stop. Hear me out because this is something for which I am passionately and constantly hurting. It's a sickness that I've been trying to put into words for years without much success. It's a sickness that I have personally struggled with. It's a sickness that at times has left me hiding in dark corners and hating myself.
And chances are it's hit you too.
What is the disease called "Perfection"? Perhaps a list of its real-life symptoms will help you better understand it. We live in communities where people feel unconquerable amounts of pressure to always appear perfectly happy, perfectly functional, and perfectly figured. "Perfection" is much different than perfectionism. The following examples of "Perfection" are all real examples that I have collected from experiences in my own life, from confidential sources, or from my circle of loved ones and friends. If you actually stop to think about some of these, you will cry as I did while writing it. If you don't, maybe you're infected with way too much of this "Perfection" infection.
"Perfection" is a wife who feels trapped in a marriage to a lazy, angry, small man, but at soccer practice tells the other wives how wonderful her husband always is. "Perfection" keeps people from telling the truth, even to themselves. My husband is adorable. He called me a whore this week because I smiled at a stranger. When I started crying, he said he had a game to go watch. I love him so much.
"Perfection" is a husband who is belittled, unappreciated, and abused by his wife, yet works endlessly to make his marriage appear incredible to those around him. "Perfection" really does keep people from being real about the truth. You would have laughed, guys. She said that I suck at my job and will never go anywhere in life. Then she insinuated that I was a fat, rotting pile of crap. Isn't she the best?
"Perfection" is a daughter with an eating disorder that keeps it hidden for years because she doesn't want to be the first among her family and friends to be imperfect. She would give anything to confront it, but she can't because then the "Perfect" people would hate her as much as she hates herself for it.
"Perfection" is when a son has a forbidden addiction, and despises himself for it. "Perfection" makes us believe that nobody else could understand what it is like to be weak and fall prey to the pressures of the world.
"Perfection" is a man who loathes himself for feeling unwanted attraction toward other men.
"Perfection" is a couple drowning in debt, but who still agree to that cruise with their friends because the words "we don't have the money" are impossible ones to push across their lips.
"Perfection" is a mom hating herself because she only sees that every other mom around her is the perfect mother, the perfect wife, and the perfect neighbor. I'd give anything to be Mrs. Jones. Today she ran 34 miles, cooked six complete meals, participated in a two-hour activity with each of her seven children, hosted a marriage class with her husband, and still had time to show up for Bunco. What this mom doesn't know is that Mrs. Jones is also at home crying right now because the pressure to be "Perfect" never lets up.
"Perfection" is a dad hating himself because he can't give the same thing to his kids that other dads do, and then hates himself further because he takes his self-loathing out on his kids behind closed doors. You know what would have been nice? If you were never born. Do you realize how much money I'd have right now? Now come give Daddy a hug because I can force you to give me validation.
"Perfection" is a child hating herself because the boys at school call her fat, and when she goes home she tells her mom that school was fine. Her mom never stops to question why her daughter doesn't have any friends, becaue her mom doesn't want to think that anything might be less than "Perfect".
"Perfection" is a man feeling like a smaller man because his neighbor just pulled in with a new boat.
"Perfection" is a woman who is so overwhelmed that she thinks about killing herself daily. "Perfection" makes it so that she never will because of the things people will think if she does. How could I make my suicide look like an accident? If I kill myself, I don't want anybody knowing that I ever had any problems. She never stops to look at why she wants to do it, because healing means admitting imperfection.
"Perfection" is a man who everybody heralds as perfect, and inside he is screaming to be seen as the faulty human being that he always has been. Because to no longer be "the perfect one", that would be freeing.
"Perfection" is a woman having an affair because she's too afraid to confront the imperfection in her marriage.
"Perfection" is a twelve-year-old boy killing himself because he is ashamed that he can't stop masturbating.
Stop, and read that one again.
There is a twelve-year-old boy buried 20 miles from where I sit because the "Perfection" that has infected the people around him infected him to the point that he deemed his own life worthless. "Perfection" pushed him to take his own life over something most of us would consider negligible in the life of any teenage boy.
"Perfection" is my friend's cousin swallowing hundreds of pills because she just got the news that she was pregnant, out of wedlock, and the shame was too much to bear. She was only attempting to cause a miscarriage. 24 hours later, she closed her eyes and never opened them again. She is dead because of the "Perfection" infecting those around her. We'd rather you die than shame this family. Thanks for taking care of that, honey. By the way, we'll do the right thing and make ourselves out to be the victims now. We have to. We're infected with "Perfection".
I could go on. This is all a small sampling of the disease called "Perfection". You have brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, extended family members, neighbors, friends, and children who are ALL these things, yet none of us will ever know. "Perfection" is a hideous monster with a really beautiful face. And chances are you're infected. The good news is, there is a cure.
Be real.
Embrace that you have weakness. Because everybody does. Embrace that your body is not perfect. Because nobody's is. Embrace that you have things you can't control. We all have a list of them.
Here's your wake-up call:
You aren't the only one who feels worthless sometimes.
You aren't the only one who took your frustrations out on your children today.
You aren't the only one who isn't making enough money to support your lifestyle.
You aren't the only one who has questions and doubts about your religion.
You aren't the only one who sometimes says things that really hurt other people.
You aren't the only one who feels trapped in your marriage.
You aren't the only one who gets down and hates yourself and you can't figure out why.
You aren't the only one that questions your sexual orientation.
You aren't the only one who hates your body.
You aren't the only one that can't control yourself around food.
Your husband is not the only husband who's addiction sends him online for his sexual fulfillment instead of to you.
Your wife is not the only wife that is mean and vindictive and makes you hate yourself.
Why didn't somebody, anybody, put their arm around that 12-year old boy and let him know that they loved him and would always love him? What was he being told and taught that he would end his own life over something that almost no teenager can control? Maybe that beautiful and wonderful boy would still be alive if even one person had broken down the "Perfection" that completely controlled all those in his life from whom he desperately craved validation.
Why didn't somebody, anybody, tell a beautiful pregnant girl that there was nothing so big in life that it couldn't be made right. Maybe that incredible young woman would still be alive. Maybe her now one-year-old child would be learning to walk or say "Mommy" right now. Maybe.
Maybe.
The cure is so simple.
Be real.
Be bold about your weaknesses and you will change people's lives. Be honest about who you actually are, and others will begin to be their actual selves around you. Once you cure yourself of the disease, others will come to you, asking if they can just "talk". People are desperate to talk. Some of the most "perfect" people around you will tell you of some of the greatest struggles going on. Some of the most "perfect" people around you will break down in tears as they tell you how difficult life is for them. Turns out some of the most "perfect" people around us are human beings after all, and are dying to talk to another human being about it.
You'll love them for it. And you'll love yourself even more.
Let's not forget this quote: "I went out to find a friend and could not find one there. I went out to be a friend, and friends were everywhere." Somebody who is being a friend doesn't spread "Perfection". Somebody who is being a friend spreads "Real". Then, and only then, can we all grow together.
I am not perfect, nor do I want anybody to think of me as such. Here's my dose of real:
I once stole a box of money that was meant for a child with cancer. There was more than $150 inside. That was 12 years ago, and I still hate the person in me that did that.
I believe in God, but not religion. It took me 30 years to find the courage to say that. It took me 30 years to believe that I could be a good man and still believe that.
I once got so angry at my wife that I hit the wall. The dent is still there, haunting me every time I see it because I never thought that was something I would do.
I once sat in my bedroom crying uncontrollably because I felt like everybody thought I was fat and ugly. I was a full grown man.
There are some people I avoid bumping into in public because I feel like I'm not as good as them.
I judge people harshly who share the same features that I hate about myself.
Sometimes I'm sad. Sometimes I'm not funny. Sometimes I just want to be alone. Sometimes I stay at home on a weekend because I just don't want to see the "Perfection" going on around me. Sometimes I want to drop-kick a perfect person's head across the room.
"Perfection" infects every corner of society. It infects our schools. It infects neighborhoods. It infects our workplaces. This is not to say that there aren't a lot of genuinely, happy people. I am one of those people. Most of the time. There is nothing more beautiful than a person finding true happiness in who they are and what they believe. No, this is not me trying to diminish the happiness in others. This is merely me pathetically attempting to put a face on a problem that I see everywhere but few people ever notice.
This is me, weeping as I write, asking the good people of the world to find somebody to put their arm around and be "real". This is me, wishing that people would realize how beautiful they are, even with all of their imperfections. This is me, sad and desperate for the girls in this world to love themselves. This is me, a very imperfect man, trying to help others feel a little more perfect by asking you to act a little less perfect.
Will you help me spread "Real"? Tell us below just how perfect you aren't. You never know who might be alive tomorrow because you were real today. You never know who needs to feel like they aren't alone in their inability to be perfect. Even if you comment as an anonymous guest, please comment. Tell us what you struggle with. Tell a sad or dark secret. Get vulnerable. Get real. Let's see if we can get 1,000 people showing the world that we're not defined by perfection.
And if you like, share this post. If you want the people around you to start being real, you have to be real first. If it's your first time here, we'd love to have you follow us. I promise it's not always this intense (or nearly this long). I'll post something really funny tomorrow.
Dan Pearce, Single Dad Being Real
THE DISEASE OF PERFECTION.
As a warning, the following post was written in complete desperation. I have recently learned some very sobering truths from people that I love dearly. These truths have set in motion a quest within me to do whatever I can to make a change. Today is not geared at funny. Today is geared at something greater. Read it to the very end. I promise you will be affected in a way you have always needed to be. I spent more than twelve hours writing this post because its message is that important to me.
I wonder. Am I the only one aware that there is an infectious mental disease laying siege on us right now? There is a serious pandemic of "Perfection" spreading, and it needs to stop. Hear me out because this is something for which I am passionately and constantly hurting. It's a sickness that I've been trying to put into words for years without much success. It's a sickness that I have personally struggled with. It's a sickness that at times has left me hiding in dark corners and hating myself.
And chances are it's hit you too.
What is the disease called "Perfection"? Perhaps a list of its real-life symptoms will help you better understand it. We live in communities where people feel unconquerable amounts of pressure to always appear perfectly happy, perfectly functional, and perfectly figured. "Perfection" is much different than perfectionism. The following examples of "Perfection" are all real examples that I have collected from experiences in my own life, from confidential sources, or from my circle of loved ones and friends. If you actually stop to think about some of these, you will cry as I did while writing it. If you don't, maybe you're infected with way too much of this "Perfection" infection.
"Perfection" is a wife who feels trapped in a marriage to a lazy, angry, small man, but at soccer practice tells the other wives how wonderful her husband always is. "Perfection" keeps people from telling the truth, even to themselves. My husband is adorable. He called me a whore this week because I smiled at a stranger. When I started crying, he said he had a game to go watch. I love him so much.
"Perfection" is a husband who is belittled, unappreciated, and abused by his wife, yet works endlessly to make his marriage appear incredible to those around him. "Perfection" really does keep people from being real about the truth. You would have laughed, guys. She said that I suck at my job and will never go anywhere in life. Then she insinuated that I was a fat, rotting pile of crap. Isn't she the best?
"Perfection" is a daughter with an eating disorder that keeps it hidden for years because she doesn't want to be the first among her family and friends to be imperfect. She would give anything to confront it, but she can't because then the "Perfect" people would hate her as much as she hates herself for it.
"Perfection" is when a son has a forbidden addiction, and despises himself for it. "Perfection" makes us believe that nobody else could understand what it is like to be weak and fall prey to the pressures of the world.
"Perfection" is a man who loathes himself for feeling unwanted attraction toward other men.
"Perfection" is a couple drowning in debt, but who still agree to that cruise with their friends because the words "we don't have the money" are impossible ones to push across their lips.
"Perfection" is a mom hating herself because she only sees that every other mom around her is the perfect mother, the perfect wife, and the perfect neighbor. I'd give anything to be Mrs. Jones. Today she ran 34 miles, cooked six complete meals, participated in a two-hour activity with each of her seven children, hosted a marriage class with her husband, and still had time to show up for Bunco. What this mom doesn't know is that Mrs. Jones is also at home crying right now because the pressure to be "Perfect" never lets up.
"Perfection" is a dad hating himself because he can't give the same thing to his kids that other dads do, and then hates himself further because he takes his self-loathing out on his kids behind closed doors. You know what would have been nice? If you were never born. Do you realize how much money I'd have right now? Now come give Daddy a hug because I can force you to give me validation.
"Perfection" is a child hating herself because the boys at school call her fat, and when she goes home she tells her mom that school was fine. Her mom never stops to question why her daughter doesn't have any friends, becaue her mom doesn't want to think that anything might be less than "Perfect".
"Perfection" is a man feeling like a smaller man because his neighbor just pulled in with a new boat.
"Perfection" is a woman who is so overwhelmed that she thinks about killing herself daily. "Perfection" makes it so that she never will because of the things people will think if she does. How could I make my suicide look like an accident? If I kill myself, I don't want anybody knowing that I ever had any problems. She never stops to look at why she wants to do it, because healing means admitting imperfection.
"Perfection" is a man who everybody heralds as perfect, and inside he is screaming to be seen as the faulty human being that he always has been. Because to no longer be "the perfect one", that would be freeing.
"Perfection" is a woman having an affair because she's too afraid to confront the imperfection in her marriage.
"Perfection" is a twelve-year-old boy killing himself because he is ashamed that he can't stop masturbating.
Stop, and read that one again.
There is a twelve-year-old boy buried 20 miles from where I sit because the "Perfection" that has infected the people around him infected him to the point that he deemed his own life worthless. "Perfection" pushed him to take his own life over something most of us would consider negligible in the life of any teenage boy.
"Perfection" is my friend's cousin swallowing hundreds of pills because she just got the news that she was pregnant, out of wedlock, and the shame was too much to bear. She was only attempting to cause a miscarriage. 24 hours later, she closed her eyes and never opened them again. She is dead because of the "Perfection" infecting those around her. We'd rather you die than shame this family. Thanks for taking care of that, honey. By the way, we'll do the right thing and make ourselves out to be the victims now. We have to. We're infected with "Perfection".
I could go on. This is all a small sampling of the disease called "Perfection". You have brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, extended family members, neighbors, friends, and children who are ALL these things, yet none of us will ever know. "Perfection" is a hideous monster with a really beautiful face. And chances are you're infected. The good news is, there is a cure.
Be real.
Embrace that you have weakness. Because everybody does. Embrace that your body is not perfect. Because nobody's is. Embrace that you have things you can't control. We all have a list of them.
Here's your wake-up call:
You aren't the only one who feels worthless sometimes.
You aren't the only one who took your frustrations out on your children today.
You aren't the only one who isn't making enough money to support your lifestyle.
You aren't the only one who has questions and doubts about your religion.
You aren't the only one who sometimes says things that really hurt other people.
You aren't the only one who feels trapped in your marriage.
You aren't the only one who gets down and hates yourself and you can't figure out why.
You aren't the only one that questions your sexual orientation.
You aren't the only one who hates your body.
You aren't the only one that can't control yourself around food.
Your husband is not the only husband who's addiction sends him online for his sexual fulfillment instead of to you.
Your wife is not the only wife that is mean and vindictive and makes you hate yourself.
Why didn't somebody, anybody, put their arm around that 12-year old boy and let him know that they loved him and would always love him? What was he being told and taught that he would end his own life over something that almost no teenager can control? Maybe that beautiful and wonderful boy would still be alive if even one person had broken down the "Perfection" that completely controlled all those in his life from whom he desperately craved validation.
Why didn't somebody, anybody, tell a beautiful pregnant girl that there was nothing so big in life that it couldn't be made right. Maybe that incredible young woman would still be alive. Maybe her now one-year-old child would be learning to walk or say "Mommy" right now. Maybe.
Maybe.
The cure is so simple.
Be real.
Be bold about your weaknesses and you will change people's lives. Be honest about who you actually are, and others will begin to be their actual selves around you. Once you cure yourself of the disease, others will come to you, asking if they can just "talk". People are desperate to talk. Some of the most "perfect" people around you will tell you of some of the greatest struggles going on. Some of the most "perfect" people around you will break down in tears as they tell you how difficult life is for them. Turns out some of the most "perfect" people around us are human beings after all, and are dying to talk to another human being about it.
You'll love them for it. And you'll love yourself even more.
Let's not forget this quote: "I went out to find a friend and could not find one there. I went out to be a friend, and friends were everywhere." Somebody who is being a friend doesn't spread "Perfection". Somebody who is being a friend spreads "Real". Then, and only then, can we all grow together.
I am not perfect, nor do I want anybody to think of me as such. Here's my dose of real:
I once stole a box of money that was meant for a child with cancer. There was more than $150 inside. That was 12 years ago, and I still hate the person in me that did that.
I believe in God, but not religion. It took me 30 years to find the courage to say that. It took me 30 years to believe that I could be a good man and still believe that.
I once got so angry at my wife that I hit the wall. The dent is still there, haunting me every time I see it because I never thought that was something I would do.
I once sat in my bedroom crying uncontrollably because I felt like everybody thought I was fat and ugly. I was a full grown man.
There are some people I avoid bumping into in public because I feel like I'm not as good as them.
I judge people harshly who share the same features that I hate about myself.
Sometimes I'm sad. Sometimes I'm not funny. Sometimes I just want to be alone. Sometimes I stay at home on a weekend because I just don't want to see the "Perfection" going on around me. Sometimes I want to drop-kick a perfect person's head across the room.
"Perfection" infects every corner of society. It infects our schools. It infects neighborhoods. It infects our workplaces. This is not to say that there aren't a lot of genuinely, happy people. I am one of those people. Most of the time. There is nothing more beautiful than a person finding true happiness in who they are and what they believe. No, this is not me trying to diminish the happiness in others. This is merely me pathetically attempting to put a face on a problem that I see everywhere but few people ever notice.
This is me, weeping as I write, asking the good people of the world to find somebody to put their arm around and be "real". This is me, wishing that people would realize how beautiful they are, even with all of their imperfections. This is me, sad and desperate for the girls in this world to love themselves. This is me, a very imperfect man, trying to help others feel a little more perfect by asking you to act a little less perfect.
Will you help me spread "Real"? Tell us below just how perfect you aren't. You never know who might be alive tomorrow because you were real today. You never know who needs to feel like they aren't alone in their inability to be perfect. Even if you comment as an anonymous guest, please comment. Tell us what you struggle with. Tell a sad or dark secret. Get vulnerable. Get real. Let's see if we can get 1,000 people showing the world that we're not defined by perfection.
And if you like, share this post. If you want the people around you to start being real, you have to be real first. If it's your first time here, we'd love to have you follow us. I promise it's not always this intense (or nearly this long). I'll post something really funny tomorrow.
Dan Pearce, Single Dad Being Real
[God vs. Science]
'Let me explain the problem science has with religion.'
The professor of philosophy pauses before his class and then asks one of his new students to stand.
'You're a Christian, aren't you, son?'
'Yes sir, 'the student says.
'So you believe in God?'
'Absolutely.'
'Is God good?'
'Sure! God's good.'
'Is God all-powerful? Can God do anything?'
'Yes'
'Are you good or evil?'
'The Bible says I'm evil.'
The professor grins knowingly. 'Aha! The Bible!’ He considers for a moment. 'Here's one for you. Let's say there's a sick person over here and you can cure him. You can do it. Would you help him? Would you try?'
'Yes sir, I would.'
'So you're good...!'
'I wouldn't say that.'
'But why not say that? You'd help a sick and maimed person if you could. Most of us would if we could. But God doesn't.'
The student does not answer, so the professor continues. 'He doesn't, does he? My brother was a Christian who died of cancer, even though he prayed to Jesus to heal him. How is this Jesus good? Can you answer that one?'
The student remains silent. 'No, you can't, can you?' the professor says. He takes a sip of water from a glass on his desk to give the student time to relax. 'Let's start again, young fella. Is God good?'
'Er..yes,' the student says.
'Is Satan good?'
The student doesn't hesitate on this one. 'No.'
'Then where does Satan come from?'
The student falters. 'From God'
'That's right. God made Satan, didn't he? Tell me, son. Is there evil in this world?'
'Yes, sir...'
'Evil's everywhere, isn't it? And God did make everything, correct?'
'Yes'
'So who created evil?' The professor continued, 'If God created everything, then God created evil, since evil exists, and according to the principle that our works define who we are, then God is evil.'
Again, the student has no answer. 'Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things, do they exist in this world?'
The student squirms on his feet. 'Yes.'
'So who created them?'
The student does not answer again, so the professor repeats his question. 'Who created them?' There is still no answer. Suddenly the lecturer breaks away to pace in front of the classroom. The class is mesmerized. 'Tell me,' he continues onto another student. 'Do you believe in Jesus Christ, son?'
The student's voice betrays him and cracks. 'Yes, professor, I do.'
The old man stops pacing. 'Science says you have five senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Have you ever seen Jesus?'
'No sir. I've never seen Him.'
'Then tell us if you've ever heard your Jesus?'
'No, sir, I have not..'
'Have you ever felt your Jesus, tasted your Jesus, or smelled your Jesus? Have you ever had any sensory perception of Jesus Christ, or God for that matter?'
'No, sir, I'm afraid I haven't.'
'Yet you still believe in him?'
'Yes'
'According to the rules of empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your God doesn't exist... What do you say to that, son?'
'Nothing,' the student replies. 'I only have my faith.'
'Yes, faith,' the professor repeats. 'And that is the problem science has with God. There is no evidence, only faith.'
The student stands quietly for a moment, before asking a question of His own. 'Professor, is there such thing as heat?'
'Yes.'
'And is there such a thing as cold?'
'Yes, son, there's cold too.'
'No sir, there isn't.'
The professor turns to face the student, obviously interested. The room suddenly becomes very quiet. The student begins to explain.
'You can have lots of heat, even more heat, super-heat, mega-heat, unlimited heat,white heat, a little heat or no heat, but we don't have anything called 'cold'. We can hit down to 458 degrees below zero, which is no heat, but we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold; otherwise we would be able to go colder than the lowest -458 degrees. Every body or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (-458 F) is the total absence of heat. You see, sir, cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat we can measure in thermal units because heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.'
Silence across the room. A pen drops somewhere in the classroom, sounding like a hammer.
'What about darkness, professor. Is there such a thing as darkness?'
'Yes,' the professor replies without hesitation. 'What is night if it isn't darkness?'
'You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is not something; it is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light, but if you have no light constantly you have nothing and it's called darkness, isn't it? That's the meaning we use to define the word. In reality, darkness isn't. If it were, you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn't you?'
The professor begins to smile at the student in front of him. This will be a good semester. 'So what point are you making, young man?'
'Yes, professor. My point is, your philosophical premise is flawed to start with, and so your conclusion must also be flawed.'
The professor's face cannot hide his surprise this time. 'Flawed? Can you explain how?'
'You are working on the premise of duality,' the student explains... 'You argue that there is life and then there's death; a good God and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, science can't even explain a thought.' 'It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life, just the absence of it.' 'Now tell me, professor.. Do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?'
'If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, young man, yes, of course I do.'
'Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?'
The professor begins to shake his head, still smiling, as he realizes where the argument is going. A very good semester, indeed.
'Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you now not a scientist, but a preacher?'
The class is in uproar. The student remains silent until the commotion has subsided.
'To continue the point you were making earlier to the other student, let me give you an example of what I mean..' The student looks around the room. 'Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the professor's brain?' The class breaks out into laughter. 'Is there anyone here who has ever heard the professor's brain, felt the professor's brain, touched or smelt the professor's brain? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain, with all due respect, sir.' 'So if science says you have no brain, how can we trust your lectures, sir?'
Now the room is silent. The professor just stares at the student, his face unreadable. Finally, after what seems an eternity, the old man answers. 'I Guess you'll have to take them on faith.'
'Now, you accept that there is faith, and, in fact, faith exists with life,' the student continues. 'Now, sir, is there such a thing as evil?' Now uncertain, the professor responds, 'Of course, there is. We see it Everyday. It is in the daily example of man's inhumanity to man. It is in The multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil.'
To this the student replied, 'Evil does not exist sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God's love present in his heart. It's like the cold that comes when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there is no light.'
The professor sat down.
The student was Albert Einstein.
Albert Einstein wrote a book titled God vs. Science in 1921...
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