Monday, August 15, 2011


Today has been a GREAT day. I stayed up late last night, reading a few different books that my brother and sister gave me. I woke up this morning with a sense of contentment that I haven't felt in a long time.

Opening up and talking about my issues has really helped me to process them. Sharing my struggles with other people and opening up the channels of loving exchange has allowed me to view myself through someone elses eyes, and to view my situation from a different perspective. It's an amazing gift to have such kind, caring, and understanding friends in my life.

Drinking aside... I have so many other things going on right now! Frank is working his butt off down in Fort Worth. He is like the energizer bunny!! He works, sleeps, work, sleeps. He loves it though :) He was born to be a railroader. He is supposed to call me tonight when he gets off the train. We have much to discuss.

The main thing we have to talk about is the fact that I REALLY dont want to move to Fort Worth. I REALLLLLY don't. I have a list of reasons.

1.) It's too far away from Derby.
2.) I would never see Frank... and I would be on my own.
3.) We shouldnt be moving the kids around so much.
4.) It's TEXAS... and I'm a Liberal Democrat. (Ha)
5.) I enjoy all that being in Derby has to offer.
6.) There is more to life than money.

The list goes on and on! Also, Trey is getting ready to start school at Tanglewood. He has a male teacher this year, which is such a blessing! Trey responds better to male authority figures. I have a feeling that it's going to be a great year! Most of his little football buddies are in his class, and I have already had a very positive experience with his teacher. It's such a shame to jerk Trey out of school and move him again.

I can understand from a financial standpoint why Frank would want to stay in Fort Worth. If he pushes the transfer through and comes up here to Wichita, he loses all of the seniority he has gained since he started working for UP. That means he would be the low man on the pole... and at risk of getting bumped or being out of work. That's a large risk to take when we have financial responsibilities. We are not for certain that he would end up being bumped or without work, but it COULD happen. Hell, it COULD happen anywhere. That is the nature of the railroad.

Frank holds seniority down in Fort Worth, so he is secure in his position. He is working so much that he is making more money than I thought possible (to be honest.) For a guy without a college degree to be pulling in 80K a year... that's impressive and hard to come by. Having him give that up to move up here where we'd have to live with the lack of job security seems ridiculous, but like I said, there is more to life than money.

In talking with him tonight we have to figure out where we are going and what we are doing. If we stay here and he goes ahead with the transfer, I have to find us somewhere to live. It's not that i dont LOVE my parents (ha), but living here is making me feel like I'm in high school again. It's not healthy. I haven't jumped on finding a place because we are so up in the air about what is going to happen with the job situation.

I also need to find the girls a preschool/program to attend. The MDO in Mulvane wont call me back -grumble- and it was the only one that I found that was the same quality and had the same program type as what the girls are used to. Looks like it will be back to the drawing board for momma. I think it's important to get them into something so they can interact with other kids their age and learn some basics. Eisley WILL be going to Faith Lutheran 3 year old preschool next year. Emery WILL follow when she turns 3. I value early education. It makes a huge difference.

Well, that is all I really have for today. Like I said, it's been a good day. My blog entries yesterday were kind of dark and serious. I am not going to sugar coat anything... because that's not my style. I am going through some dark and serious things in my life right now. It feels good to talk about it, though.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

not drinking.

I had a great chat with my brother this evening after dinner. We sat out on the front porch and opened up the lines of communication regarding the struggles I am facing right now.

I am struggling. I am struggling to sit still. I am struggling to make sense of the chaos that has become my life as of late. I am struggling to quiet the noise inside of my head. I am struggling to find myself. I am struggling to stay away from drinking and to ignore the urge to throw myself into situations where I can pretend to be someone I'm not.

I'm like a balloon. If someone isn't there to hold my string... I simply float away! I feel like no one is holding my string. I feel as if I am floating away, no direction... no plan... no structure or stability. I feel confused and distracted. I have 1,000 different things pulling me in 1,000 different directions, and I have allowed the stress to lead me back to a place where I give in to my addictive nature.

I have always struggled with addiction in one form or another. Luckily I have moved past my addiction to substances, and now I only struggle with alcohol. I drank for the first time when I was 14. I think I've always known that I didn't handle alcohol like other people. I would usually behave manically... crying one second and laughing the next. I always drank TOO much / more than other people. I always had such AWFUL hangovers... more so than my friends. I found myself going to extreme lengths to drink... and being dishonest about my drinking.

After all of the negative experiences I have had throughout my lifetime... why would I choose to keep putting myself in situations where I continue to have negative experiences? When I start thinking about getting drunk, why can't I just squash the idea and move past it? Why do I validate my drinking and make excuses for it, when I know that I am only validating and making excuses? Why do I drink when I know that the next day I am going to feel like I was run over by a bus? Why do I drink when I know I am going to feel guilty and mentally punish myself for it? Why do I choose drinking over being at home with my kids at night, when there is nothing in the world more important to me than my kids?! Why do I do this to myself?!

The answer to all of those questions is "because I am an alcoholic." I may not drink every day, but I have an obvious problem. I have the brain and body chemistry of an alcoholic, and if I dont stop now, Lord knows where I will end up. I am an addict. I am powerless. I have decided to follow the AA program, work the steps, and devote myself to sobriety. It may sound cliche and ridiculous, but it has worked wonders for John. I have seen the changes that have come about in his life, and the joy that freedom from addiction can bring to someone. I am ready to make a change and to stick with it. John is going to be my sponsor and work with me through this process.

The last month I have been going out drinking frequently. Even before we moved back here, the last few times I visited I spent an ample amount of time at the bar. This last month I have noticed that regardless of the AMOUNT that I drink, the next day is always very tough for me. My body aches, I have the shakes, my muscles twitch, I break out into a cold sweat, etc. It has progressively gotten worse with each incident. The hangover has gone from being a hangover to being torture. Medically that is a sign of the disease of alcoholism. I have also had episodes where I dont remember hours at a time while drinking. I am fearful that if I keep heading down the path I am on currently, I will find myself in a place I don't want to be.

I am going to go to two meetings a week... and invest myself in ACTIVELY staying away from alcohol. I feel a sense of comfort knowing that my brother is going to walk beside me in this journey and share his wealth of knowledge with me. John and I have struggled with a lot of the same issues. I have faith that he can help me in ways that I need to be helped.

I have also come to realize that drinking isnt the only issue I need to face. My life is full of them at the moment. If I dont start to take care of myself (both physically and emotionally) I am going to eventually break. I owe it to myself, my husband, and my children to be the BEST that I can be, and to healthy both in body and mind. Eliminating alcohol will be a step in the right direction, and hopefully will lead me toward breakthroughs in other areas of my life as well.


I have not been successful in not drinking. It's unfortunate. I feel defeated and powerless, and it's very humbling and REAL.

Am I an alcoholic? Sometimes it’s hard to even ask that question of myself. I remember when I first realized there was a problem many years ago, I didn’t want to use that word. It made me cringe. It still does.

The biggest barrier I am facing regarding "recovery" and choosing to stay away from booze all together is finding that FULL acceptance that me and alcohol are better off without each other. I will believe it completely one day, and the next day I am right back to wanting to go out. *sigh*

Someone close to me told me "to avoid the definitions when you are trying to figure out if you need help!" People still like to think of an alcoholic as only the person who wakes up in the morning shaking so they have a shot of booze in their OJ to settle the shakes. Nothing could be further from the truth. I was reading some literature my sister brought over for me today, and there was a sentence that stuck with me. "If when you drink alcohol, bad things happen, you’ve got a problem!"

I have heard a lot about the woman in New York who killed herself, her daughter, and three nieces, as well as two people in another vehicle while driving the wrong way on the highway while drunk. Her family doesn’t believe she was an alcoholic. Maybe it’s just the label. This was certainly someone who had a problem with drinking.

It’s likely she didn’t drink all the time – didn’t fit that traditional myth of what an alcoholic is. Maybe she only drank on the weekends, or when on outings. But when she drank, she DRANK. Sounds all too familiar.

I am a binge drinker... and from what I understand, binge drinkers are a tough lot to crack – because we often think that since we only get drunk once in a while, we don't have a problem. I am guilty of tricking myself into believing that lie... but when I ask myself that question: when you drink, do bad things happen – I have my answer.

Bad things happen when I drink... so I am going to forget the labels for now – and just deal with the problem.

Since we've been in Derby, I fight with myself NIGHTLY regarding whether I should stay in or go out. I spend hours convincing myself to go against my better judgement. I know, deep down, that I have not made wise choices, and that I will continue to make unwise choices if I continue to go out and consume alcohol.

 You would think that I would be able to exhibit some self control... and that, in being an adult, be able to learn from experience and make choices accordingly. I am frustrated with myself for struggling with this as much as I am, and for allowing myself to slip backwards instead of making great strides forward.

My life is a whirlwind currently. My husband is gone, we have no set plan for the future, we have nowhere to live. I am not sure if we are going to stay in Derby or move to Fort Worth. I am not sure when we will all be together again! I feel restless and confused... and I honestly feel like I am behaving like a teenager, and that is NOT who I am.

My brother is coming over tonight to talk. He has two years of sobriety and has struggled with a lot of the same issues I am dealing with. I am going to surround myself with positive influences and do the BEST I can to ground myself, center myself, and do what I need to do to be happy and healthy. All I can do is take it one day at a time. Tonight I will go to bed and rest... and wake up tomorrow ready to face the day and all it will bring.