Wednesday, September 7, 2011


Inside her body there is no calm
It is just a jar
She wears her silence like a sheet
masquerading as a peaceful ghoul
the heavens look pinpricked
she dials her miss america smile
and all the while she just peels
her screams stretched for miles
sleep/never is there refuge in sleep/silent sleep
just white hot hurricanes
searching for a space to rest
swallowing sleeping pills
begging chemicals to arrest
all sense - she says
i know what waits for me on the other side of those gauzy waves
that ominous cliff
i don't know why i didn't die that day
not really alive - just a mind full of spots
deep black i fall into with no face
sleep/never is there refuge in sleep/silent sleep
she runs out of herself down hallways

only to find she's still lying still


Future Visioning

Since we have been at my parents, I sit at the piano... and after scales and arpeggios... I realize I’ve been playing circles of chords and letting myself improvise all over the place.
I haven’t had the chance to do this for a long time. All these parts of myself are coming back to life. I’ve been feeling those shivers that go up your spine when something is channeling through you. It has nothing to do with anything going on in my head. It’s total freedom. There are no critics, no pressures, no rules, no image, no boundaries.

I want to stay in that space for as long as I can and see what comes out of it. I wanna get a stack of cassettes for my old tape recorder and ‘freewrite’ onto them all.  ut, I’m not going to be precious about these ideas. I’m going to try to push myself further than I’ve gone before, because it feels good. It feels real. It's something just for myself.
I’m not trying to be a character or be like one of my idols or fit myself in a preconceived niche somewhere. I just want to do something that feels very real, and this is that thing! The thing about that is that it is not something you can pre-define. I’ll have to give up control... give myself up to the energy.

On another note, I was talking to a friend the other day about ‘future visioning’. I think it’s the key to keeping myself on the right track. I have to keep a future vision of myself in mind. The *ideal.* Who I want to be in 10 - 20 years. I think if I keep that clearly in my head my decisions will automatically go forward in that direction, even subconsciously. It also helps keep me grounded in atmospheres where I could be pushed or pulled off of my track.
When writing this future vision nothing is off limits. Nothing is out of reach. To reach anything is just a succession of small steps. A declaration of intent is the first step.
I almost listed all my future visions here but I think it’s too personal to openly declare. But I do have a very clear picture of where I am going.
Back when I was younger and in recovery I first heard of this future visioning thing. Now years later and after having kept my recovery for a long stretch of time I have learned this is a key element: how you picture yourself and your future affects everything you do.

If you don’t feel you deserve a bright future - or a great relationship - or to achieve your goals - you won’t. It’s the perfect breeding ground for addictions when you think negatively. If there is no future then who cares about the present.. etc.
The future - what do you look like? who are you with? where are you? where have you been? what are you doing? what have you done? do you have family? are you married? are you on a boat? are you in europe? what have you created? where are you living? who is in your life? what kind of a person are you? how are you helping the people around you? do you have children? do you have animals? where do you vacation? what do you eat? what skills do you have? how do people who are close to you feel about you? are you living at your full potential? are you still indulging your imagination? who is the person you are in a relationship with? What qualities do they have? are you a good lover? can people come to you with their problems? etc.
If you think of your future self as someone you will be - you start to act as if you are that person - eventually that is what you are.
When I’m trying to push myself I feel very uncomfortable. When I’m trying to change and do something better I always feel off kilter. If you are trying to get somewhere great many of the steps that lead you there are terrifying, disappointing, and you doubt if you are good enough to be even trying, or if you have anything great to share with the world, or who cares?, or hasn’t everything been done already, etc. but I just try to shut those voices out and keep focused on my vision of the future.

Never stop creating because you feel everything has already ‘been done’. There has never been another you. It is your unique point of view.

Monday, August 15, 2011


Today has been a GREAT day. I stayed up late last night, reading a few different books that my brother and sister gave me. I woke up this morning with a sense of contentment that I haven't felt in a long time.

Opening up and talking about my issues has really helped me to process them. Sharing my struggles with other people and opening up the channels of loving exchange has allowed me to view myself through someone elses eyes, and to view my situation from a different perspective. It's an amazing gift to have such kind, caring, and understanding friends in my life.

Drinking aside... I have so many other things going on right now! Frank is working his butt off down in Fort Worth. He is like the energizer bunny!! He works, sleeps, work, sleeps. He loves it though :) He was born to be a railroader. He is supposed to call me tonight when he gets off the train. We have much to discuss.

The main thing we have to talk about is the fact that I REALLY dont want to move to Fort Worth. I REALLLLLY don't. I have a list of reasons.

1.) It's too far away from Derby.
2.) I would never see Frank... and I would be on my own.
3.) We shouldnt be moving the kids around so much.
4.) It's TEXAS... and I'm a Liberal Democrat. (Ha)
5.) I enjoy all that being in Derby has to offer.
6.) There is more to life than money.

The list goes on and on! Also, Trey is getting ready to start school at Tanglewood. He has a male teacher this year, which is such a blessing! Trey responds better to male authority figures. I have a feeling that it's going to be a great year! Most of his little football buddies are in his class, and I have already had a very positive experience with his teacher. It's such a shame to jerk Trey out of school and move him again.

I can understand from a financial standpoint why Frank would want to stay in Fort Worth. If he pushes the transfer through and comes up here to Wichita, he loses all of the seniority he has gained since he started working for UP. That means he would be the low man on the pole... and at risk of getting bumped or being out of work. That's a large risk to take when we have financial responsibilities. We are not for certain that he would end up being bumped or without work, but it COULD happen. Hell, it COULD happen anywhere. That is the nature of the railroad.

Frank holds seniority down in Fort Worth, so he is secure in his position. He is working so much that he is making more money than I thought possible (to be honest.) For a guy without a college degree to be pulling in 80K a year... that's impressive and hard to come by. Having him give that up to move up here where we'd have to live with the lack of job security seems ridiculous, but like I said, there is more to life than money.

In talking with him tonight we have to figure out where we are going and what we are doing. If we stay here and he goes ahead with the transfer, I have to find us somewhere to live. It's not that i dont LOVE my parents (ha), but living here is making me feel like I'm in high school again. It's not healthy. I haven't jumped on finding a place because we are so up in the air about what is going to happen with the job situation.

I also need to find the girls a preschool/program to attend. The MDO in Mulvane wont call me back -grumble- and it was the only one that I found that was the same quality and had the same program type as what the girls are used to. Looks like it will be back to the drawing board for momma. I think it's important to get them into something so they can interact with other kids their age and learn some basics. Eisley WILL be going to Faith Lutheran 3 year old preschool next year. Emery WILL follow when she turns 3. I value early education. It makes a huge difference.

Well, that is all I really have for today. Like I said, it's been a good day. My blog entries yesterday were kind of dark and serious. I am not going to sugar coat anything... because that's not my style. I am going through some dark and serious things in my life right now. It feels good to talk about it, though.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

not drinking.

I had a great chat with my brother this evening after dinner. We sat out on the front porch and opened up the lines of communication regarding the struggles I am facing right now.

I am struggling. I am struggling to sit still. I am struggling to make sense of the chaos that has become my life as of late. I am struggling to quiet the noise inside of my head. I am struggling to find myself. I am struggling to stay away from drinking and to ignore the urge to throw myself into situations where I can pretend to be someone I'm not.

I'm like a balloon. If someone isn't there to hold my string... I simply float away! I feel like no one is holding my string. I feel as if I am floating away, no direction... no plan... no structure or stability. I feel confused and distracted. I have 1,000 different things pulling me in 1,000 different directions, and I have allowed the stress to lead me back to a place where I give in to my addictive nature.

I have always struggled with addiction in one form or another. Luckily I have moved past my addiction to substances, and now I only struggle with alcohol. I drank for the first time when I was 14. I think I've always known that I didn't handle alcohol like other people. I would usually behave manically... crying one second and laughing the next. I always drank TOO much / more than other people. I always had such AWFUL hangovers... more so than my friends. I found myself going to extreme lengths to drink... and being dishonest about my drinking.

After all of the negative experiences I have had throughout my lifetime... why would I choose to keep putting myself in situations where I continue to have negative experiences? When I start thinking about getting drunk, why can't I just squash the idea and move past it? Why do I validate my drinking and make excuses for it, when I know that I am only validating and making excuses? Why do I drink when I know that the next day I am going to feel like I was run over by a bus? Why do I drink when I know I am going to feel guilty and mentally punish myself for it? Why do I choose drinking over being at home with my kids at night, when there is nothing in the world more important to me than my kids?! Why do I do this to myself?!

The answer to all of those questions is "because I am an alcoholic." I may not drink every day, but I have an obvious problem. I have the brain and body chemistry of an alcoholic, and if I dont stop now, Lord knows where I will end up. I am an addict. I am powerless. I have decided to follow the AA program, work the steps, and devote myself to sobriety. It may sound cliche and ridiculous, but it has worked wonders for John. I have seen the changes that have come about in his life, and the joy that freedom from addiction can bring to someone. I am ready to make a change and to stick with it. John is going to be my sponsor and work with me through this process.

The last month I have been going out drinking frequently. Even before we moved back here, the last few times I visited I spent an ample amount of time at the bar. This last month I have noticed that regardless of the AMOUNT that I drink, the next day is always very tough for me. My body aches, I have the shakes, my muscles twitch, I break out into a cold sweat, etc. It has progressively gotten worse with each incident. The hangover has gone from being a hangover to being torture. Medically that is a sign of the disease of alcoholism. I have also had episodes where I dont remember hours at a time while drinking. I am fearful that if I keep heading down the path I am on currently, I will find myself in a place I don't want to be.

I am going to go to two meetings a week... and invest myself in ACTIVELY staying away from alcohol. I feel a sense of comfort knowing that my brother is going to walk beside me in this journey and share his wealth of knowledge with me. John and I have struggled with a lot of the same issues. I have faith that he can help me in ways that I need to be helped.

I have also come to realize that drinking isnt the only issue I need to face. My life is full of them at the moment. If I dont start to take care of myself (both physically and emotionally) I am going to eventually break. I owe it to myself, my husband, and my children to be the BEST that I can be, and to healthy both in body and mind. Eliminating alcohol will be a step in the right direction, and hopefully will lead me toward breakthroughs in other areas of my life as well.


I have not been successful in not drinking. It's unfortunate. I feel defeated and powerless, and it's very humbling and REAL.

Am I an alcoholic? Sometimes it’s hard to even ask that question of myself. I remember when I first realized there was a problem many years ago, I didn’t want to use that word. It made me cringe. It still does.

The biggest barrier I am facing regarding "recovery" and choosing to stay away from booze all together is finding that FULL acceptance that me and alcohol are better off without each other. I will believe it completely one day, and the next day I am right back to wanting to go out. *sigh*

Someone close to me told me "to avoid the definitions when you are trying to figure out if you need help!" People still like to think of an alcoholic as only the person who wakes up in the morning shaking so they have a shot of booze in their OJ to settle the shakes. Nothing could be further from the truth. I was reading some literature my sister brought over for me today, and there was a sentence that stuck with me. "If when you drink alcohol, bad things happen, you’ve got a problem!"

I have heard a lot about the woman in New York who killed herself, her daughter, and three nieces, as well as two people in another vehicle while driving the wrong way on the highway while drunk. Her family doesn’t believe she was an alcoholic. Maybe it’s just the label. This was certainly someone who had a problem with drinking.

It’s likely she didn’t drink all the time – didn’t fit that traditional myth of what an alcoholic is. Maybe she only drank on the weekends, or when on outings. But when she drank, she DRANK. Sounds all too familiar.

I am a binge drinker... and from what I understand, binge drinkers are a tough lot to crack – because we often think that since we only get drunk once in a while, we don't have a problem. I am guilty of tricking myself into believing that lie... but when I ask myself that question: when you drink, do bad things happen – I have my answer.

Bad things happen when I drink... so I am going to forget the labels for now – and just deal with the problem.

Since we've been in Derby, I fight with myself NIGHTLY regarding whether I should stay in or go out. I spend hours convincing myself to go against my better judgement. I know, deep down, that I have not made wise choices, and that I will continue to make unwise choices if I continue to go out and consume alcohol.

 You would think that I would be able to exhibit some self control... and that, in being an adult, be able to learn from experience and make choices accordingly. I am frustrated with myself for struggling with this as much as I am, and for allowing myself to slip backwards instead of making great strides forward.

My life is a whirlwind currently. My husband is gone, we have no set plan for the future, we have nowhere to live. I am not sure if we are going to stay in Derby or move to Fort Worth. I am not sure when we will all be together again! I feel restless and confused... and I honestly feel like I am behaving like a teenager, and that is NOT who I am.

My brother is coming over tonight to talk. He has two years of sobriety and has struggled with a lot of the same issues I am dealing with. I am going to surround myself with positive influences and do the BEST I can to ground myself, center myself, and do what I need to do to be happy and healthy. All I can do is take it one day at a time. Tonight I will go to bed and rest... and wake up tomorrow ready to face the day and all it will bring.

Saturday, August 13, 2011


Wow, so much happened yesterday that I am not even sure where to begin. I will start off by saying that i am enjoying blogging every day. It feels good to do something for myself. I dont really care if anyone reads it or takes any active interest in what I have to say, but sitting here with my fingers on the keyboard... pouring out whatever comes into my mind... feels liberating and is rather therapeutic.

Anyway, yesterday was quite the day. The kids all seemed to get out of bed on the wrong foot. Everyone was cranky and tired. We managed to make it through the early morning in one piece, but by the time 11:00 rolled around, it was DEFINITELY time for naps. I have been having a hard time keeping Eisley in the bedroom for nap time because she has figured out how get in and out (even WITH the toddler proof doorknobs.)

I put the girls down and sat beside the door until I was sure they were sleeping. I figured this was the best solution to the problem. I went downstairs to do the dishes... and after 10 minutes I heard the pitter-patter of little feet running around upstairs. Upon inspection, I found that Eisley had gotten into the bathroom and eaten an entire bottle of Children's Chewable Tylenol (80mg.)

I called poison control, her pediatrician, and anyone else I could think of. Needless to say I was totally freaking out. Come to find out it wasn't enough of a dose to be toxic or damage her liver, but it WAS enough to possibly make her sick.

In all of the commotion, it somehow escaped me that she had ALSO found scissors and butchered her hair. She cut off at least 4 inches in the back in a few places, chopped off quite a bit on the top, and cut down to the scalp in the front. *sigh* Luckily Mort was able to fit us in and fashion an ADORABLE little bob cut out of the mess. Super sassy.

While we were there, however, Eisley managed to throw a full-on temper tantrum... complete with kicking, screaming, crying, thrashing around, and near hyperventilation. Mort took it all in stride and was a good sport. By the time we left, Eisley was worn out and ready to crash, and so was I!!

When we got home, the girls were pretty much ready for bed, considering they didn't nap and had spent the day on a mission to drive their mother crazy. After a few hours of sleep Eisley woke up and puked everywhere. She went back to sleep, only to wake up and puke everywhere a second time. Poor thing finally got back to bed for good, hydrated to the hilt by Pedialite.

This morning everyone seems to be feeling much better. Eisley is up to no good and is her usual ornery self. Trey had to go do some community service with his football team bright and early, and then is headed over to the varsity/JV scrimmage at Panther Stadium with a friend. Emery seems to just be going along for the ride. She is such a sweet puddin. In the midst of the chaos she is usually the calm.

Frank called last night and let me know that UP has plans of furloughing many of the Wichita / Oklahoma employees at the end of the season. When the weather is cold, they cut back on work. That doesnt bode well for his transfer up to Wichita. Frank has also tasted the fruit of Fort Worth... with the fabulous pay, tons of hours, and the company of all of the guys he trained with. I have a feeling that our little family is eventually going to end up down there... (but that's a blog post all in itself.)

Hoping today is a little less stressful! Tonight we are having dinner at my brother's house for my parents 40th wedding Anniversary. Got a sitter for the kiddos so that we can enjoy the evening in the company of adults for once!

Friday, August 12, 2011


It's the start of another beautiful day. I am going to go ahead and repeat that one more time, in hopes that in repeating it I can somehow will it to be. "It's the start of another beautiful day!"

*Yawn!* I am super tired this morning. It seems that I always require more sleep than my children. I guess that is how it's SUPPOSED to work, but I sure wish it wasn't. If they would only sleep in until maybe 8:30am, I would be a happy camper! 7:00am is just too early, darnit!

Yesterday my two youngest kiddos were terrors. Eisley has learned how to work the toddler-proof doorknobs that we have been using the last year to keep her out of things and to keep her contained. It's unfortunate. It was hard to maintain order before, but now it's near impossible.

I welcome challenges as a parent. I expect challenges! It means I have critical thinkers, problem solvers, and highly intellectual children. Lol. On a completely serious note, I do firmly believe that my kids are bright kids. They never cease to amaze me. On more than one occasion I have taken a step back and asked myself "where on Earth did they learn THAT" or "I can't believe they figured THAT out!" It makes for some long days and some high blood pressure, however.

We are still working on potty training with Miss Eisley. It has been weeks since we have a tinkle accident, but we can't seem to get the poo in the potty. *Sigh* I am at the end of the my rope with it. I am hoping that she will eventually figure it out! Emery seems that she is interested in potty training as well. It would be quite the trip if Emery ended up mastering it before her sister. I really dont care in what order it gets done, but I am sick to death of poop, and I can't wait to not have to worry about it anymore!

I spoke with Frank last night and it seems as if he is going to be working down in Fort Worth for a while. The transfer and all of the paperwork/training it takes to get up to Wichita will take a while. It might even be the first of 2012. Being apart that long will SUCK, but the money he will be making in the meantime makes up for it. (slightly.)

Since the kids and I arrived here in town, I have been on a mission to try and find somewhere for us to live (naturally.) It was my intention to have somewhere nailed down by the 1st of September. After much consideration and in talking with frank, we have decided it may be in our best interest to take a month or two to look for the right place, and to save save SAVE. We have some things we would like to pay off and it would be nice to grow a good sized financial cushion before we take on anything new. 

Since the kids and I have the chance to stay with my parents (which means no money going out the door every month for rent and utilities), that easily saves us upwards of $2,000 in a two month time period. Can't argue with that. Plus I dont want to rush into signing a years lease on a place i am not in love with. We made this mistake with Blanchard and our current apartment.

Any way, my computer is acting funny lately. It took me WAY too long to type this since my cursor kept putting me in different places and deleting what i typed. Hmmm. I am going to run a virus scan and pray that it fixes it. I have also been having issues with facebook. *Grumble!* I guess I will just have to wait and see.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

[The disease of perfection]

*Taken from a blog called "SINGLE DAD LAUGHING"....


As a warning, the following post was written in complete desperation. I have recently learned some very sobering truths from people that I love dearly. These truths have set in motion a quest within me to do whatever I can to make a change. Today is not geared at funny. Today is geared at something greater. Read it to the very end. I promise you will be affected in a way you have always needed to be. I spent more than twelve hours writing this post because its message is that important to me.

I wonder. Am I the only one aware that there is an infectious mental disease laying siege on us right now? There is a serious pandemic of "Perfection" spreading, and it needs to stop. Hear me out because this is something for which I am passionately and constantly hurting. It's a sickness that I've been trying to put into words for years without much success. It's a sickness that I have personally struggled with. It's a sickness that at times has left me hiding in dark corners and hating myself.

And chances are it's hit you too.

What is the disease called "Perfection"? Perhaps a list of its real-life symptoms will help you better understand it. We live in communities where people feel unconquerable amounts of pressure to always appear perfectly happy, perfectly functional, and perfectly figured. "Perfection" is much different than perfectionism. The following examples of "Perfection" are all real examples that I have collected from experiences in my own life, from confidential sources, or from my circle of loved ones and friends. If you actually stop to think about some of these, you will cry as I did while writing it. If you don't, maybe you're infected with way too much of this "Perfection" infection.

"Perfection" is a wife who feels trapped in a marriage to a lazy, angry, small man, but at soccer practice tells the other wives how wonderful her husband always is. "Perfection" keeps people from telling the truth, even to themselves. My husband is adorable. He called me a whore this week because I smiled at a stranger. When I started crying, he said he had a game to go watch. I love him so much.

"Perfection" is a husband who is belittled, unappreciated, and abused by his wife, yet works endlessly to make his marriage appear incredible to those around him. "Perfection" really does keep people from being real about the truth.  You would have laughed, guys. She said that I suck at my job and will never go anywhere in life. Then she insinuated that I was a fat, rotting pile of crap. Isn't she the best?

"Perfection" is a daughter with an eating disorder that keeps it hidden for years because she doesn't want to be the first among her family and friends to be imperfect. She would give anything to confront it, but she can't because then the "Perfect" people would hate her as much as she hates herself for it.

"Perfection" is when a son has a forbidden addiction, and despises himself for it. "Perfection" makes us believe that nobody else could understand what it is like to be weak and fall prey to the pressures of the world.

"Perfection" is a man who loathes himself for feeling unwanted attraction toward other men.

"Perfection" is a couple drowning in debt, but who still agree to that cruise with their friends because the words "we don't have the money" are impossible ones to push across their lips.

"Perfection" is a mom hating herself because she only sees that every other mom around her is the perfect mother, the perfect wife, and the perfect neighbor. I'd give anything to be Mrs. Jones. Today she ran 34 miles, cooked six complete meals, participated in a two-hour activity with each of her seven children, hosted a marriage class with her husband, and still had time to show up for Bunco. What this mom doesn't know is that Mrs. Jones is also at home crying right now because the pressure to be "Perfect" never lets up.

"Perfection" is a dad hating himself because he can't give the same thing to his kids that other dads do, and then hates himself further because he takes his self-loathing out on his kids behind closed doors. You know what would have been nice? If you were never born. Do you realize how much money I'd have right now? Now come give Daddy a hug because I can force you to give me validation.

"Perfection" is a child hating herself because the boys at school call her fat, and when she goes home she tells her mom that school was fine. Her mom never stops to question why her daughter doesn't have any friends, becaue her mom doesn't want to think that anything might be less than "Perfect".

"Perfection" is a man feeling like a smaller man because his neighbor just pulled in with a new boat.

"Perfection" is a woman who is so overwhelmed that she thinks about killing herself daily. "Perfection" makes it so that she never will because of the things people will think if she does. How could I make my suicide look like an accident? If I kill myself, I don't want anybody knowing that I ever had any problems. She never stops to look at why she wants to do it, because healing means admitting imperfection.

"Perfection" is a man who everybody heralds as perfect, and inside he is screaming to be seen as the faulty human being that he always has been. Because to no longer be "the perfect one", that would be freeing.

"Perfection" is a woman having an affair because she's too afraid to confront the imperfection in her marriage.

"Perfection" is a twelve-year-old boy killing himself because he is ashamed that he can't stop masturbating.

Stop, and read that one again.

There is a twelve-year-old boy buried 20 miles from where I sit because the "Perfection" that has infected the people around him infected him to the point that he deemed his own life worthless. "Perfection" pushed him to take his own life over something most of us would consider negligible in the life of any teenage boy.

"Perfection" is my friend's cousin swallowing hundreds of pills because she just got the news that she was pregnant, out of wedlock, and the shame was too much to bear. She was only attempting to cause a miscarriage. 24 hours later, she closed her eyes and never opened them again. She is dead because of the "Perfection" infecting those around her. We'd rather you die than shame this family. Thanks for taking care of that, honey. By the way, we'll do the right thing and make ourselves out to be the victims now. We have to. We're infected with "Perfection".

I could go on. This is all a small sampling of the disease called "Perfection". You have brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, extended family members, neighbors, friends, and children who are ALL these things, yet none of us will ever know. "Perfection" is a hideous monster with a really beautiful face. And chances are you're infected. The good news is, there is a cure.

Be real.

Embrace that you have weakness. Because everybody does. Embrace that your body is not perfect. Because nobody's is. Embrace that you have things you can't control. We all have a list of them.

Here's your wake-up call:

You aren't the only one who feels worthless sometimes.

You aren't the only one who took your frustrations out on your children today.

You aren't the only one who isn't making enough money to support your lifestyle.

You aren't the only one who has questions and doubts about your religion.

You aren't the only one who sometimes says things that really hurt other people.

You aren't the only one who feels trapped in your marriage.

You aren't the only one who gets down and hates yourself and you can't figure out why.

You aren't the only one that questions your sexual orientation.

You aren't the only one who hates your body.

You aren't the only one that can't control yourself around food.

Your husband is not the only husband who's addiction sends him online for his sexual fulfillment instead of to you.

Your wife is not the only wife that is mean and vindictive and makes you hate yourself.

Why didn't somebody, anybody, put their arm around that 12-year old boy and let him know that they loved him and would always love him? What was he being told and taught that he would end his own life over something that almost no teenager can control? Maybe that beautiful and wonderful boy would still be alive if even one person had broken down the "Perfection" that completely controlled all those in his life from whom he desperately craved validation.

Why didn't somebody, anybody, tell a beautiful pregnant girl that there was nothing so big in life that it couldn't be made right. Maybe that incredible young woman would still be alive. Maybe her now one-year-old child would be learning to walk or say "Mommy" right now. Maybe.


The cure is so simple.

Be real.

Be bold about your weaknesses and you will change people's lives. Be honest about who you actually are, and others will begin to be their actual selves around you. Once you cure yourself of the disease, others will come to you, asking if they can just "talk". People are desperate to talk. Some of the most "perfect" people around you will tell you of some of the greatest struggles going on. Some of the most "perfect" people around you will break down in tears as they tell you how difficult life is for them. Turns out some of the most "perfect" people around us are human beings after all, and are dying to talk to another human being about it.

You'll love them for it. And you'll love yourself even more.

Let's not forget this quote: "I went out to find a friend and could not find one there. I went out to be a friend, and friends were everywhere." Somebody who is being a friend doesn't spread "Perfection". Somebody who is being a friend spreads "Real". Then, and only then, can we all grow together.

I am not perfect, nor do I want anybody to think of me as such. Here's my dose of real:

I once stole a box of money that was meant for a child with cancer. There was more than $150 inside. That was 12 years ago, and I still hate the person in me that did that.

I believe in God, but not religion. It took me 30 years to find the courage to say that. It took me 30 years to believe that I could be a good man and still believe that.

I once got so angry at my wife that I hit the wall. The dent is still there, haunting me every time I see it because I never thought that was something I would do.

I once sat in my bedroom crying uncontrollably because I felt like everybody thought I was fat and ugly. I was a full grown man.

There are some people I avoid bumping into in public because I feel like I'm not as good as them.

I judge people harshly who share the same features that I hate about myself.

Sometimes I'm sad. Sometimes I'm not funny. Sometimes I just want to be alone. Sometimes I stay at home on a weekend because I just don't want to see the "Perfection" going on around me. Sometimes I want to drop-kick a perfect person's head across the room.

"Perfection" infects every corner of society. It infects our schools. It infects neighborhoods. It infects our workplaces. This is not to say that there aren't a lot of genuinely, happy people. I am one of those people. Most of the time. There is nothing more beautiful than a person finding true happiness in who they are and what they believe. No, this is not me trying to diminish the happiness in others. This is merely me pathetically attempting to put a face on a problem that I see everywhere but few people ever notice.

This is me, weeping as I write, asking the good people of the world to find somebody to put their arm around and be "real". This is me, wishing that people would realize how beautiful they are, even with all of their imperfections. This is me, sad and desperate for the girls in this world to love themselves. This is me, a very imperfect man, trying to help others feel a little more perfect by asking you to act a little less perfect.

Will you help me spread "Real"? Tell us below just how perfect you aren't. You never know who might be alive tomorrow because you were real today. You never know who needs to feel like they aren't alone in their inability to be perfect. Even if you comment as an anonymous guest, please comment. Tell us what you struggle with. Tell a sad or dark secret. Get vulnerable. Get real. Let's see if we can get 1,000 people showing the world that we're not defined by perfection.

And if you like, share this post. If you want the people around you to start being real, you have to be real first. If it's your first time here, we'd love to have you follow us. I promise it's not always this intense (or nearly this long). I'll post something really funny tomorrow.

Dan Pearce, Single Dad Being Real

[God vs. Science]

'Let me explain the problem science has with religion.'
The professor of philosophy pauses before his class and then asks one of his new students to stand.

'You're a Christian, aren't you, son?'
'Yes sir, 'the student says.

'So you believe in God?'


'Is God good?'

'Sure! God's good.'

'Is God all-powerful? Can God do anything?'


'Are you good or evil?'

'The Bible says I'm evil.'

The professor grins knowingly. 'Aha! The Bible!’ He considers for a moment. 'Here's one for you. Let's say there's a sick person over here and you can cure him. You can do it. Would you help him? Would you try?'

'Yes sir, I would.'

'So you're good...!'

'I wouldn't say that.'

'But why not say that? You'd help a sick and maimed person if you could. Most of us would if we could. But God doesn't.'

The student does not answer, so the professor continues. 'He doesn't, does he? My brother was a Christian who died of cancer, even though he prayed to Jesus to heal him. How is this Jesus good? Can you answer that one?'

The student remains silent. 'No, you can't, can you?' the professor says. He takes a sip of water from a glass on his desk to give the student time to relax. 'Let's start again, young fella. Is God good?'

'Er..yes,' the student says.

'Is Satan good?'

The student doesn't hesitate on this one. 'No.'

'Then where does Satan come from?'

The student falters. 'From God'

'That's right. God made Satan, didn't he? Tell me, son. Is there evil in this world?'

'Yes, sir...'

'Evil's everywhere, isn't it? And God did make everything, correct?'


'So who created evil?' The professor continued, 'If God created everything, then God created evil, since evil exists, and according to the principle that our works define who we are, then God is evil.'

Again, the student has no answer. 'Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things, do they exist in this world?'

The student squirms on his feet. 'Yes.'

'So who created them?'

The student does not answer again, so the professor repeats his question. 'Who created them?' There is still no answer. Suddenly the lecturer breaks away to pace in front of the classroom. The class is mesmerized. 'Tell me,' he continues onto another student. 'Do you believe in Jesus Christ, son?'

 The student's voice betrays him and cracks. 'Yes, professor, I do.'

The old man stops pacing. 'Science says you have five senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Have you ever seen Jesus?'

'No sir. I've never seen Him.'

'Then tell us if you've ever heard your Jesus?'

'No, sir, I have not..'

'Have you ever felt your Jesus, tasted your Jesus, or smelled your Jesus? Have you ever had any sensory perception of Jesus Christ, or God for that matter?'

'No, sir, I'm afraid I haven't.'

'Yet you still believe in him?'


'According to the rules of empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your God doesn't exist... What do you say to that, son?'

'Nothing,' the student replies. 'I only have my faith.'

'Yes, faith,' the professor repeats. 'And that is the problem science has with God. There is no evidence, only faith.'

The student stands quietly for a moment, before asking a question of His own. 'Professor, is there such thing as heat?'


'And is there such a thing as cold?'

'Yes, son, there's cold too.'

'No sir, there isn't.'

The professor turns to face the student, obviously interested. The room suddenly becomes very quiet. The student begins to explain.

'You can have lots of heat, even more heat, super-heat, mega-heat, unlimited heat,white heat, a little heat or no heat, but we don't have anything called 'cold'. We can hit down to 458 degrees below zero, which is no heat, but we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold; otherwise we would be able to go colder than the lowest -458 degrees. Every body or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (-458 F) is the total absence of heat. You see, sir, cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat we can measure in thermal units because heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.'

Silence across the room. A pen drops somewhere in the classroom, sounding like a hammer.

'What about darkness, professor. Is there such a thing as darkness?'

'Yes,' the professor replies without hesitation. 'What is night if it isn't darkness?'

'You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is not something; it is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light, but if you have no light constantly you have nothing and it's called darkness, isn't it? That's the meaning we use to define the word. In reality, darkness isn't. If it were, you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn't you?'

The professor begins to smile at the student in front of him. This will be a good semester. 'So what point are you making, young man?'

'Yes, professor. My point is, your philosophical premise is flawed to start with, and so your conclusion must also be flawed.'

The professor's face cannot hide his surprise this time. 'Flawed? Can you explain how?'

'You are working on the premise of duality,' the student explains... 'You argue that there is life and then there's death; a good God and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, science can't even explain a thought.' 'It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life, just the absence of it.' 'Now tell me, professor.. Do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?'

'If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, young man, yes, of course I do.'

'Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?'

The professor begins to shake his head, still smiling, as he realizes where the argument is going. A very good semester, indeed.

'Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you now not a scientist, but a preacher?'

The class is in uproar. The student remains silent until the commotion has subsided.

'To continue the point you were making earlier to the other student, let me give you an example of what I mean..' The student looks around the room. 'Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the professor's brain?' The class breaks out into laughter. 'Is there anyone here who has ever heard the professor's brain, felt the professor's brain, touched or smelt the professor's brain? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain, with all due respect, sir.' 'So if science says you have no brain, how can we trust your lectures, sir?'

Now the room is silent. The professor just stares at the student, his face unreadable. Finally, after what seems an eternity, the old man answers. 'I Guess you'll have to take them on faith.'

'Now, you accept that there is faith, and, in fact, faith exists with life,' the student continues. 'Now, sir, is there such a thing as evil?' Now uncertain, the professor responds, 'Of course, there is. We see it Everyday. It is in the daily example of man's inhumanity to man. It is in The multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil.'

To this the student replied, 'Evil does not exist sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God's love present in his heart. It's like the cold that comes when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there is no light.'

The professor sat down.

The student was Albert Einstein.
Albert Einstein wrote a book titled God vs. Science in 1921...


I went to bed last night with the girls at a little after 7:00 and got some much needed rest. I awoke refreshed and ready to start the day.

Today we are going to clean up around Grandma's house and play outside. The weather is so amazing! I went outside to grab my purse out of the van and it was actually ALMOST a bit chilly. I stood in the driveway for a second and closed my eyes and breathed it all in. Lovely.

Frank is "turning and burning" down in Fort Worth. He is running between yards in Fort Worth and Hearne, Texas. He is working alongside almost 30 other Conductors on his current board (instead of the 10 he is used to) but he is getting a ton of hours and averaging 4000 every two weeks, which is FANTASTIC money.

The transfer to Wichita is in the works. It should take anywhere from a few weeks to a few months. On the bright side, the longer it takes, the longer he gets to work down in Fort Worth and make good money :) Once he gets transferred to Wichita it will be a Remote Engineer position, which has its benefits. It's a yard job with a set schedule and weekends off. It will be great to have him home and be able to plan things for once. Plus he will be driving trains by remote control. How bad ass is that?! Lol.

Frank and I have been doing SO well since I got back from visiting Derby last time. It's as if we were seeing one another for the first time. The lines of communication were open in ways they never have been before. We laid in bed and talked for hours! He rubbed my feet and played with my hair... and we really got to know one another in ways we haven't taken the time to get to know one another.

Frank and I both have issues that pertain to ourselves as individuals, but when it comes to our MARRIAGE and "Frank and Amy" as a couple, we really don't have a lot of the issues that I see other couples struggling with. I think with the stress of having multiple children, Frank's high stress and demanding job, living in Blanchard OK (uggh) and being away from our families for the first time, and the laundry list of other stresses that have all compounded these last few years, it's a miracle we have survived... but I am GENUINELY and PASSIONATELY glad that we have.

I miss him substantially. I have gotten used to him being on the road and being away from us for periods of time, but it's never EASY, just bareable. It's the nature of his job. I feel more secure and content in our marriage than ever before, and I can't wait to see him on the 3rd of September.

Trey's 9th birthday is August 21st, and Eisley's 3rd birthday is September 10th. We have decided to have a double family birthday party for them on the weekend of September 3rd so that Frank doesn't have to drive up from Texas twice :) Trey is having his buddies over to spend the night at Grandma's house on his actual birthday and will be having his "friend" party, so it looks like he will have to settle for a Little Mermaid birthday cake and decorations at the family party. Lol. Such is life.

My mom and I are going to look at a few rentals here in Derby this weekend. There is a 3 bedroom / 2 bathroom duplex on Osage St (right behind the old Dillons) that is available September 10th. It has a 2 car garage, backyard, full finished basement, wood burning fireplace, and is really spacious. It's also newer, and we know the woman who is renting it personally. The backyard ISN'T fenced in, however, and that was at the top of our list of things we were looking for because of the kids. I guess we will see.

There is also a rental over by Pleasentview Elementary on Georgie street. It's an older house, but it has 4 bedrooms, fenced in backyard, and a garage. It's the same price as the newer duplex though, so that is something to consider. We are trying to stay between $800.00 and $900.00 a month when it comes to paying rent.

As soon as I nail down a program for the girls to attend during the day I am considering looking in to getting a part time job. I need to do something productive and contribute to our family financially. I also need to interact with other adults. I think that would quell my need for going out and being social. I was thinking about maybe going to Applebees and waitressing. I made at least $100.00+ every night I worked, and it was cash in hand at the end of every shift. I ran into one of the managers the other night when I was out, and he told me to come by. It's worth a shot.

I am still feeling GREAT about my choice to stay away from any kind of drinking. If I have the urge to go out and/or drink, I am going to call my brother. He has had such success with sobriety and he is a valuable resource!! I am committed to the betterment of myself and my family. The only thing standing my my way is MYSELF :)

That is all for right now :)


When you come to a fork in the road you have to make a choice. You weigh the options and then you choose... and you don't look back.

Life has brought my family back to Derby. This is where our heart is. In being here, I have come to realize that I have to change my mindset and center myself, or I will fall into the same habits and face the same issues I have worked so hard to get away from and overcome.

My brother just celebrated TWO YEARS of sobriety. It's such an amazing accomplishment and I am so proud of him. He came over and showed us all his two year coin, and I could see the pride and the pleasure of success written all over his face. I made the comment "I gotta get ME one of those..." and it got me to thinking.

I struggle with addiction. It's not a secret. I have struggled for as long as I can remember. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that since I have someone to watch the kids, I find myself being drawn to going out just because I CAN go out... and I find myself drinking just because I have the opportunity. From today on out I am going to make the conscious choice to stay at home and stay away from nonsense like that. My life has been wonderful lately, and I am going to continue down that positive life path. I refuse to be distracted by trivial and pointless activities such as staying out late and putting alcohol into my body.

Frank is in Texas, which breaks my heart. I am already feeling the sting of his absence. I miss him desperately when he is not around... and I feel like a large part of me is missing. I know the kids miss him too, which makes the distance even more difficult to bare. Neither of us are sure how long he will end up having to work down there or how long it will take for UP to push his Wichita transfer through, but hopefully it's not too long.

The search continues for a new place to live. I have emailed a few different folks in regards to properties that I found listed on Craigslist. I have also put the word out to friends that we are in the market to rent. Hopefully by the end of this month or the middle of next month we will have found something.

As soon as Trey starts school and I find a program for the girls to attend, I am going to start actively working on getting into shape and losing weight. The last month I have gotten off track, and I am ready to take the reigns and make some more progress. I intend of hitting the gym 3 times a week, and doing some strength training / cardio / interval training 5 days a week. My goal is to lose 10lbs a month... and eventually lose up to 100lbs. It's a big goal, but I feel that it's within my reach if I work hard and stay focused. 

Trey is enrolled at Tanglewood, which is exciting. I love the open classroom setup and the principal is a wonderful woman. I have high hopes for this year. Trey is also ready for football. His first practice in Thursday night. He is playing on the same team he was on last year.

Well, that is all I have for right now. I am sure I will right more later. It happens.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

the stuff of dreams

these days my problems are marbles in my hand. that "bag full of god." i lay them on the wood floor in a line for the cat to chase. this really is the good stuff. the stuff of dreams. i just spoke to the man with the blinders on, and to think, i almost aligned my fate to his. the thought gives me chills. his horrible death in tiny little steps... only half alive and needing the small cuts to release the endorphines to smother the anguish of his bitter heart... i took a deep long breath and lay in the bath underneath water level. ears beneath. its there that god and the devil speak. and my giant rises up in front of my camera eye. a colossus. a love that terrifies. i kiss your face and fall into a crashing wave. rising up with sand in my teeth and salt in my eyes completely overtaken. this is the good stuff. the stuff of dreams. my mouth to your skin. a documentation. im breathing heat. im doused in sin. all of the contents of this whirlwind soul are enraptured by you. i offer up my darkest darks and my lightest lights... those other things that trouble my mind fall dead like autumn leaves crunching under our feet. ive chased you in dreams all of my life... to come to this. this shadowy, illusive, dark haired foreshadowing. you own me as ive always wanted to be owned. a pure passion. a white hot heat. a lifeline of illuminating light. this really is the good stuff. the stuff of dreams.  -Amy Rohr 2011.

[fragile day]

its a fragile day. my emotions are ping pong balls jumping all over the place effortlessly. im sitting here on the floor, thinking and trying to be productive. putting off the outward appearance of calm. i look tired. tired eyes. the weight of my world on the lids.
im alright. im just letting some new shit pass through the conduit.

i can recognize when the things that are stressing me are out of my control. my life is wonderful... it's just that this age of anxiety makes me second guess every little thing i do or feel. the so called 'self help industry' would have us quoting nonsense at each other and pretending we aren't feeling... that "everything is fine!" (cue smile with gritted teeth!) i don't subscribe.

i think passion is good. throw something, scream, yell, cry. be petulant. they are just as valid of emotions. tell people to get out of your space. don't call back. do what it is you are feeling. if its the truth then that's the best place to start from.
i am not suggesting that anyone should take their feelings out on other people carelessly... but if you bottle all that stuff up its going to give you cancer or an ulcer or you'll get so far out of touch with yourself that every day will be a monotonous walking death. it will slowly turn you into mount st helens - and you will one day explode - cut your hair - blow up your life and have to start from scratch.

people get so good at censoring themselves and not giving certain dirty or messy parts of themselves oxygen. one day they just freak out. its better just to lay it all out there.. life is messy sometimes. life is painful sometimes. we all feel anxiety and that things aren't right. we feel sometimes that we aren't good enough, that things would be different if (fill in the blank). that if we could go back and change (fill in the blank) it would be better. its not true. life is a mess. "what if" will only kill you.

not that anything in particular is making me need to write this, i know that now. i don't worry about it... its just a feeling. just the pain and pleasure of love and the pain of life becoming more acute.
i have an amazing husband and an amazing family. i try to focus on these things 'til i dig back out. i've just always had these blue moods. i go deep down into the abyss to purge it from me again. its always been this way. its just part of what i am. for a few days every once in a while my world goes a little dark... but it's then that my best ideas have been born, and it's then that i learn the most about myself and where to go from there :)


You can never win an argument. An argument happens when two people try to push their point of view onto the other. Since both are pushing, both are resisting the other’s opinion. What you resist persists, and each person’s point of view simply gets stronger and stronger. An argument implies two or more people talking with a win-lose mentality, where in order for you to win, you have to make the other person wrong. Since no one wants to be wrong, the situation at the end of the argument is usually much worse than at the beginning of the argument.

Every situation has multiple perspectives, and this is why two people experiencing the same situation will never report the exact same experience. Students of algebra can easily understand this. A linear equation has only one root (solution), whereas a quadratic equation has two roots, and a polynomial equation has multiple roots, equal to the highest powered variable in the equation. The real problem in an argument arises due to linear thinking - it is like trying to look for only one root in a quadratic algebraic equation, whereas the other person has come up with the other root, making both of you right. Thus, it is only in understanding the other’s perspective can we put an end to the argument and come to a mutual agreement. Shifting our thinking from win-lose (one solution/one perspective) to win-win (multiple solutions/multiple perspectives) thus greatly helps in resolving the issue.

In addition, arguments in romantic relationships are usually more delicate and complicated as compared to arguments in other situations. As the partners depend on each other for love, there is a higher chance of an argument psychologically wounding the other, which may take much time to heal. The core issue behind most arguments in romantic relationships is usually a perception, real or imagined, that one is not getting love from the other. On many occasions, couples forget the original reason for the argument, and instead start arguing about how they are arguing! This is because as couples argue, they feel the lack of love from each other, which is quite hurtful for both parties involved.

When the mind is turned negative, it will not listen to any reason, and thus it is best to address the mind by sending it love instead of trying to rationalize and win the argument. Even if you win with your logic, you are not a real winner unless you are able to address your partners feelings as well. Love is thus the only medicine that can put an end to the argument between couples, and depending on the situation, the love required to resolve the argument may need to take the form of respect, validation, reassurance, trust, approval, acceptance, appreciation, caring or understanding.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

[pleasing other people]

I read this today and it got me to thinking. Thought I would share....
"A young man and his old father were traveling to the nearby town with their donkey. On their way, they met some laborers who. One of the laborers remarked “What a fool these two are. In spite of having a donkey, they are both walking” Hearing them, the old man asked his son to ride on the donkey.

In another 10 minutes, they passed a tea shop. The owner of the shop blurted out “What an uncaring son ...
- making his father walk while he himself is comfortably sitting on the donkey. The son upon hearing this comment, got down from the donkey and asked his father to ride on it.

As they carried on their journey, they met a couple of men on the road. One of them remarked to the other “Look at the selfish old man riding on the donkey, while making the poor boy walk” The father became very uncomfortable with the comment, and asked his son to also sit on the donkey.

Further along, they met a group of women washing clothes. One of the women said “How cruel these men are. Look at the poor donkey bearing the weight of two men. It would be better if these two people carried the donkey for a change”

Eager to please, the men found a bamboo stick, tied the donkey’s legs on it and carried the donkey on their shoulders. As they passed over a bridge, they met a few children playing. Upon seeing the sight of the men carrying the donkey, the children bursted in laughter, and said “Haha - Look at these fools! Carrying the donkey on their shoulders” At this time the donkey got restless being carried upside down. The poor donkey jumped and fell down the bridge and died!

The moral of the story is that it other people will always have an opinion about what you should and not do. It is impossible to satisfy everyone. In trying to constantly yield to other people’s opinions, we give up our own best interests and become losers!"
Although the story may appear simplistic and we may laugh at the stupidity of the two men, we are ALL prone to the seeking of approval in subtle and not so subtle ways.
Dr. Wayne Dyer mentions in his book “Your erroneous zones” several ways we seek to please other people. (I am reading this book due to the suggestion of a friend on Facebook. It's a great read.)

• Changing a position, or altering what you believe because someone shows signs of disapproval.
• Sugar coating a statement to avoid the reaction of displeasure.
• Feeling depressed or anxious when someone disagrees with you.
• Feeling insulted or put-down when someone states a contrary sentiment to your own.
• Being excessively agreeable and head nodding, even when you don’t agree at all with what is being said.
• Performing chores for someone and feeling resentful about not being able to say no.
• Being intimated by a sharp salesperson and buying something you don’t want.
• Saying things you don’t mean just to avoid being disliked.
• Trying to impress others with your knowledge of something that you know nothing about by “faking it!”
• Begging for compliments by setting yourself up for approval, and then feeling bad when they don’t come.

Many wise men have spoken about this need in us to seek approval from others, in their own ways. For example:

“Self-actualized people are independent of the good opinion of others” -Abraham Maslow

“Do not be a football of other people’s opinions.” -Sri Sri Ravishankar

"I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody." -Bill Cosby

Each and every one of us enjoys appreciation, praise and approval. It is only natural. There is nothing wrong with that, and we do not have to give up feeling good when we are approved of. The problem starts to happen only when the having approval starts to become a need rather than a desire.
So many times our actions are defined by “what will they think of me?” This is simply our ego not letting us be genuine. When having approval from others becomes a need, we can no longer be comfortable with who we are. We can no longer think independently. We become slaves to other people’s opinions. We give up a part of ourselves in order to win the approval of others.

For any opinions that you hold on any subject, you will always find someone who holds the exact opposite opinion. It is impossible to please everyone, so you might as well stop trying. If you have a strong need for approval, then you stand to be easily manipulated by others, as you will go to great lengths in trying to please them. If you do it enough, you will begin to lose confidence in your own self, in your own thoughts.
When we seek approval from others, we are not confident of our own opinions, and rather rely on others to tell us what to do and how to think. According to law of attraction, this is situated in an energy of lack, and the more we seek approval, the less we get it. Conversely, the less we seek external approval, the more confident we are in our own independent thinking. The more confident we are, the more approval we actually tend to get. Seeking approval is like trying to run after your own shadow. If you stop running after it, it will automatically follow you.

It's also important to remember that the opinions that people have about you are simply their opinions. Whether it is good or bad, it has nothing to do with you. It is you who has to decide whether something to applicable to you or not. In case of disagreement, there is no need to argue or try to convince others of your stance. It is impossible that everyone will understand everything that you think/believe and do. You just need to become more self-reliant and trust your own judgments more.

The point here is to remain centered in your own self, even in the face of disapproval. Say it with me!: I am totally independent of the good or bad opinion of others. I am totally independent of the good or bad opinion of others. I am totally independent of the good or bad opinion of others I am totally independent of the good or bad opinion of other. I am totally independent of the good or bad opinion of others. I am totally independent of the good or bad opinion of others I am totally independent of the good or bad opinion of others …”

Monday, August 1, 2011

T o d a y

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

I am not a perfect person, and I dont waste time pretending to be.

I spend every single day striving to be the best I can be and working toward doing the best I can with what I've been given.

I face challenge and struggle head-on, and I make no excuses and I do not hide when I fall victim or lose to either!!!

I am human... and sometimes I make poor choices, but I don't let those poor choices define me. I refuse to let them weigh me down. I learn from them and I move on. I make too many mistakes to live with regret.

:) Today is a new day.

Keep on beginning and failing. Each time you fail, start all over again, and you will grow stronger until you have accomplished a purpose – not the one you began with perhaps, but one you’ll be glad to remember.
Anne Sullivan

Friday, July 8, 2011


Abortion. Yeah... I said it. ABORTION. It seems to be a hot topic these days, and the more I read posts about it on Facebook the more angry I get. I am not ashamed to be Pro-Choice... and I am not ashamed to say that my faith SUPPORTS my being Pro-Choice. Many people dont realize that when they use their Bible or their God to support their being Pro-Life, they really dont have a leg to stand on. The people who are the WORST about this are the crooked politicians that insist on using religious rhetoric to impose laws.

In our pluralistic society, politicians should NOT be allowed to impose laws about childbearing based on any particular "belief" about when life begins. The notion that life begins at the moment of conception is a belief held by some, but not ALL religious groups.

The Bible tells us that God acts within human beings to set us free and enable us to assume responsibility for ourselves. If we make wrong choices, God forgives us. Humans, by the grace of God, have developed medicine, surgery, and psychiatry to prolong and enhance life. These same medical approaches can be chosen to prolong or enhance the life of a woman for whom a specific pregnancy would be dangerous.

Created in God's image, we are endowed with the ability to make moral choices. This ability is the very basis of an individuals dignity and autonomy. Being pro-choice is not being pro-abortion. In reality, there are many of us who believe that choice is the most logical and the most responsible position any religious institution can take on this issue. We are dealing with something that is deeply spiritual and cannot be left to those who would choose to politicize this issue and further victimize those who must ultimately decide for themselves.

For those who insist that the Bible is strictly Pro-Life and that "person hood" starts at the time the sperm meets the egg, scripture can, in fact, be used to argue that it isn't and doesn't. In Leviticus 27:6 a monetary value was placed on children, but not until they reached one month old (any younger had no value). Likewise, in Numbers 3:15 a census was commanded, but the Jews were told only to count those one month old and above - anything less, particularly a fetus, was not counted as a human person. In Ezekiel 37:8-10 we watch as God re-animates dead bones into living soldiers, but the passage makes the interesting note that they were not alive as persons until their first breath. Likewise, in Genesis 2:7, Adam had a human form and a vibrant new body but he only becomes a fully-alive human person after God makes him breathe. And in the same book, in Genesis 38:24, we read about a pregnant woman condemned to death by burning. Though the leaders of Israel knew the woman was carrying a fetus, this was not taken into consideration. If indeed the Jews, and the God who instructed them, believed the fetus to be an equal human person to the mother, then why would they let the fetus die for the mother's crimes? The truth is simple. A fetus is not a human person, and its destruction is not a murder. Period.

Abortion was well-known and widely practiced in ancient times, during Old Testament domination by the Israelites as well as under the Roman domination at the time Jesus lived, as it has been in even the most primitive societies. The Old AND New Testaments are very outspoken on even very minute aspects of daily life, especially the Law of Moses. Jesus later clarified many of these laws to remove ambiguity or to add motive and intent to the spirit of the law. If the commandments against murder were intended to apply to fetuses, then the Law of Moses, the later prophets and judges would have said so. Or, if there were some misunderstanding or confusion about the subject, Jesus speaking many hundreds of years later, could have provided some clarification on the subject. At the very least, an omnipotent and omniscient God would have been able to foresee the future conflict in our time and state specifically that commandments against killing were also applicable to abortion. Yet, while the Law of Moses outlines penalties and conditions for various types of killing (neighbors, foreigners, intentional, etc.), along with various types of permissible and forbidden killing (self-defense, executions, wartime vs. homicides), there is not a single place in the Bible where abortion is condemned, forbidden or even frowned upon.

In fact, the Bible on several occasions discusses fetal life and existence. These would have been perfect opportunities to include a prohibition against abortion, if such had been intended (or was God guilty of a sin of omission?) BUT THEY DIDN'T. Since abortion was well-known but not forbidden, the Bible's silence reveals much. Many aspects of personal behavior are not addressed in the Bible. The Bible doesn't say what color our houses should be painted or how long we should wear our hair -- matters of personal preference are left to individual CHOICE, separate from issues of moral law. Conversely, the Bible also does not encourage, support or promote abortion. It is neither pro-abortion nor anti-abortion; like most people it takes a neutral (silent) position, leaving the matter to individual discretion, or CHOICE. Since the scriptures are completely silent on the issue, they obviously intended this to be left to individual preference (i.e. CHOICE). Those who claim Biblical authority to justify their human interpretations about a subject on which the Bible is silent are dishonest and hypocritical.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

[7 days]

Well, I have been taking my medication for a full week now. I am down 11lbs in 7 days (which is nice) and all of the things that bothered me about the medication are starting to taper off, as I hoped they would. I am no longer yawning like I was and I am sleeping much more soundly. I no longer feel restless or fuzzy, but I am still sweating (constantly!) I attribute that to the fact that I am moving around more and that I am much more active.

I had no idea how much I have been dragging since Emery was born. In the last week I have played more with my kids, laughed more, felt more positively about myself, and just felt BETTER in general than I have felt in a really long time!! I am starting to become aware that I was living in a fog... and that maybe I really was struggling with depression and didnt realize how much of an effect it was having on my daily life.

I am really happy with where I am... TODAY. I am taking one day at a time.

Thursday, June 16, 2011


The last three days have been a blur. Well, maybe not a total blur, but definitely fuzzy. I am still getting used to my medication (Cymbalta) and I am noticing a lot of little things that are different about me since I started taking it. Some good, some bad.

My appetite is completely gone. I never get hungry... but I am aware that I need to eat. Cymbalta is not meant to be used souly as an appetite suppresor, but it's one of the perks I guess. I have lost 6 lbs since Monday just by taking my medication. I have taken a break from my diet this week so as not to put too much stress on my body while I acclimate.

I am tossing and turning more than ever at night. One of my complaints was my lack of sleep (which I believe is directly to blame for a lot of my issues. Frank says he woke up several times last night and I was shifting or twitching. He said once or twice he put his arm around me to calm me down, and I had broken out into a cold sweat. I am having strange dreams and then waking up feeling disoriented. Hopefully that tapers off after a week or two.

I am yawning CONSTANTLY. I read some online reviews written by users of Cymbalta, and I found some comfort in reading that I was not the only one experiencing that. It's not just a yawn here and there, it's a yawn every minute or so, for 15-20 minutes at a time. It's strange. My breathing isn't labored or shallow, so I dont think it's my body trying to catch its breath or anything like that.

I still get angry or upset when the situation calls for it, but I notice that I handle things differently. I am less likely to feel the phsyical side effects of my emotions (if that makes sense.) I dont get that feeling in the pit of my stomach that feels like I am getting ready to head down the first big hill of a rollercoaster. I dont miss THAT feeling at all! I am not a zombie *by any means* but I am definitely more relaxed and less tense.

I am still not sure if this is going to be the right medication for me, but like I said in another blog, I am going to give it a few weeks and see how I take to it. After having said that, I have also read in some reviews that Cymbalta can be addicting and that you suffer withdraw type symptoms when you stop taking it. (That's the LAST thing I need.)

I still have not gotten a call from the Bariatric Surgeon yet to schedule the consultation. If I dont hear from one by tomorrow I am going to call my Physician back and see what is taking so long. I am rather impatient (but then again, who wouldn't be regarding something as huge as this?!?) I am just ready to know what is ahead of me. If I have to see a psychologist and attend a seminar I'd like to know who, when, where, etc. so I can get on the ball! I am ready to get this train moving!!! *toot toot*

Well, that's all for today.