Thursday, August 4, 2011

[fragile day]

its a fragile day. my emotions are ping pong balls jumping all over the place effortlessly. im sitting here on the floor, thinking and trying to be productive. putting off the outward appearance of calm. i look tired. tired eyes. the weight of my world on the lids.
im alright. im just letting some new shit pass through the conduit.

i can recognize when the things that are stressing me are out of my control. my life is wonderful... it's just that this age of anxiety makes me second guess every little thing i do or feel. the so called 'self help industry' would have us quoting nonsense at each other and pretending we aren't feeling... that "everything is fine!" (cue smile with gritted teeth!) i don't subscribe.

i think passion is good. throw something, scream, yell, cry. be petulant. they are just as valid of emotions. tell people to get out of your space. don't call back. do what it is you are feeling. if its the truth then that's the best place to start from.
i am not suggesting that anyone should take their feelings out on other people carelessly... but if you bottle all that stuff up its going to give you cancer or an ulcer or you'll get so far out of touch with yourself that every day will be a monotonous walking death. it will slowly turn you into mount st helens - and you will one day explode - cut your hair - blow up your life and have to start from scratch.

people get so good at censoring themselves and not giving certain dirty or messy parts of themselves oxygen. one day they just freak out. its better just to lay it all out there.. life is messy sometimes. life is painful sometimes. we all feel anxiety and that things aren't right. we feel sometimes that we aren't good enough, that things would be different if (fill in the blank). that if we could go back and change (fill in the blank) it would be better. its not true. life is a mess. "what if" will only kill you.

not that anything in particular is making me need to write this, i know that now. i don't worry about it... its just a feeling. just the pain and pleasure of love and the pain of life becoming more acute.
i have an amazing husband and an amazing family. i try to focus on these things 'til i dig back out. i've just always had these blue moods. i go deep down into the abyss to purge it from me again. its always been this way. its just part of what i am. for a few days every once in a while my world goes a little dark... but it's then that my best ideas have been born, and it's then that i learn the most about myself and where to go from there :)

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