Wednesday, May 4, 2011


I am irritated with my husband, so I am going to blog about it. Lol. So much for this blog not being my own personal dumping grounds.

Any way, Frank was supposed to be off work last night at around 8:30pm. They called him in at 8:30am, and (legally) they can't work him more than 12 hours (but it has happened more than once.) Trey had his fieldtrip to the zoo today and needed a sack lunch, and of course, he reminds me at 7:00 in the evening. As per my luck, my pantry was lacking anything I could pack for a sack lunch *unless he wanted to take a package of outmeal and a potato.*

I figured since Frank would be home later in the evening I could put the kids to bed and swing on over to the store once he got home. Of course, 8:30pm comes and goes... 9:30pm comes and goes.... 10:30pm comes and goes.... and no phone call and no Frank. Finally a little after 10:30pm he calls to let me know he was stuck on a train in Enid and would be a while longer, but would swing by and pick up what Trey needs for his lunch on the way home. I shower and head towards bed. Naturally, since my girls are sick, both of them wake up at around 11:15 (before I actuallly made it to bed) and complained for around an hour. We have taken away Emery's bottle (which has had nothing but water in it the last few months but seems to be of high importance regardless) and that has been an adventure in itself. Add sickness to the mix and it reaches a WHOLE new level of insanity.

By the time I finally get laid down and comfortable, Frank is home, and we catch up with one another. Of course he is cranky, having had worked a long day and having had to stop and get Trey stuff for his lunch... and I am cranky, having also had worked a long day and having had to handle TWO sick puddins while sick myself. When we are done complaining at one another, we get to bed at the exact same time -I might also mention that the night before, while I was up struggling with cranky kids and sickness, Frank was at a hotel in Wichita by himself. Having gotten to go to bed at whatever time he chose, sleep in a quiet hotel room in a plush king-sized bed, I am guessing it must have been nice!-

Moving on, lucky for ME, last night I was up with the girls again at 2:00am, 4:00am, and 6:00am. So, all in all, I got maybe 3 - 4 hours of sleep *and mind you, it was not RESTFUL sleep!* Did I mention that I am sick as well? Have been for DAYS. Congestion, sore throat, headache, low-grade fever, the works.

So, this morning when the kids are ready to start the day and I figure out that instead of going to preschool like the schedule called for they would be staying home (which means no nap for mommy)... Frank, of course, lets me know that he will be staying in bed until he feels like getting up because he is tired, to which I reply "Yeah, I know all about being tired! I was up just as late as you." Its the same response from him every time. "Well, I have a job." Now, the tone of this retort isn't snide or snappy, he just says it as though he is stating a fact. As if I don't realize that he has a job outside of the home and I do not.

So, I think the important thing about the sentence "as if i don't realize he has a job outside of the home and I do not" is the part in it where I say "job outside of the home." I have a job! I have the hardest damn job on the planet! I am raising children -and a husband- and running a house!! I am taking care of the wants and needs of 3 tiny humans who run 90 miles per minute from the time they wake up until the time they go to sleep... and the wants and needs of one BIG human who (in all honesty) can be somewhat OCD and slightly demanding as per his nature! I clean up poop, vomit, urine, snot, food, and substances I can't even determine the origin of at times. I cook food, wash clothes, sweep and scrub floors, give baths, mend wounds, help with homework. Yeah. It's a job. It might not be running trains or whatnot, but it's a job all the same.

I can't even REMEMBER the last time I got to sleep in or get the rest I need to function. I have to trudge through EVERY DAY on whatever sleep I managed to get the night before, and if I was to even SUGGEST that someone else take over and let me head to bed I would never hear the end of it. So I am up every day when the kids get up and I usually go to bed around between 10:30pm - 11:30pm every night (waking up at least two times during the night with the girls to check diapers/panties and the like.)

I work through sickness, through pain, through depression -when it comes on every now and then-, and for some reason I always feel as though MY JOB doesn't measure up to Frank's.. yet being a mother and a wife is the hardest job in the world. I don't get BREAKS or WEEKENDS OFF or SICK DAYS... and when Frank DOES, I usually spend those days running around like a chicken with my head cut off more-so than we he isn't home! I dont get to say "hey babe, I worked a long day today/yesterday, so I am going back to bed. Have fun handling all of the things I was going to help you with today!"

Also, on a completely unrelated (but worthwhile) note, I don't show up at the Yard and tell Frank how to do HIS job, and I wouldn't even THINK of it, and yet, I am always being told what I should be doing, what I should be doing differently, what I shouldn't be doing, what I could be doing better, etc. Give me a damn break!!! I wouldn't imagine that I would know how to better do the job of Conductor... nor should a Conductor presume to how to do a better job of being ME!!!

Yes, my toddlers can't count to 30 in Spanish or quote Hemingway (and I have my own issues in that regard that I struggle with every day, so I don't need to catch flack from my husband on top of it all.) Yes, my son sometimes gets the best of me and gets away with things he shouldn't get away with because I have my hands full with the girls. Yes, the dishes sometimes sit in the sink a little too long because I had 3 poop messes to clean up that day. Yes, I sometimes put the girls in their bedroom and shut the door and turn on the monitor... because if I didn't, my head would freaking explode! Yes, I get behind on the laundry because the only time I can focus on it is when the girls are napping and sometimes I like to sit on the couch and do NOTHING and enjoy the QUIET for a minute and that's the only time I have the opportunity.

I promise you that if MOST men/fathers who work outside of the home traded places with their wives or those that take care of their kids/house, they wouldn't make it through HALF of the day... and they sure wouldn't want someone coming home and pointing out all of the areas that could use a little improvement.

I know Frank doesn't do it to be vindictive or hurtful. I know that he has absolutely NO idea what it's like to be a woman, mother, and wife. I know that he works VERY hard to support this family and spends countless hours away from us, which breaks his heart. I know that he comes home exhausted and sore from both the physical and emotional pressure of his position. I know all of these things, but my feelings are still valid and I have every right to feel them.

So that is my rant. I am going to continue sitting here on the couch with my laptop watching the girls destroy the house I spent hours cleaning last night so it would look nice when Frank got home, and then here in a bit I am going to clean it all up again. So the cycle continues.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

[events of the evening]

So.... today I am sitting on the couch after getting the girls put down to bed, and I hear a LOUD crash outside. Naturally I step out onto our porch to see what the commotion was about, and about 100 feet from the entrance to our apartment complex a car had somehow lost control and flipped over.

All of the neighborhood kids are staring in awe, so I walk down to the curb with Trey Bear to get a better look, and from what we could SEE one person was able to get out of the car on their own. The woman who lives next door to us had already called the police and the paramedics.

Come to find out the girl that had crashed the car was 22 years old and lives in the apartment below us. According to the passenger, she had been texting while driving. She was taken out of the car by the paramedics and taken to the hospital in the ambulance. We do not know her condition.

This led to a VERY interesting dinner conversation with Trey Bear regarding texting and driving, mortality, the existence of God, etc. I am truly blessed to have such an insightful and inquisitive son who isn't afraid to ask questions.

(On another note, as we are walking back into the apartment I stumbled upon the most DISTURBING thing on the sidewalk. A used NUVA-RING. Yeah. It's about the size of a toddler bracelet, clear, and tubular. Had I not once used Nuva-Ring as birth control I wouldn't have known what it was! Seriously, children play out there, and would be drawn to pick it up. I sure as HELL wasn't going to pick it up but I didn't want it just sitting there for a child to find. I kicked it off the sidewalk into the grass and used my shoe to cover it with dirt. GROOOOOSSSSS. We live in an upscale apartment complex that costs us an arm and a leg to rent. Seriously?!? Used birth control products on our sidewalk?! Shudder.)


I am thankful for...

*My parents. They are the most intelligent, caring, dedicated, hard-working, and compassionate people I know. I am blessed and HONORED to have them in my corner. I owe them more than I will ever be able to repay, and I attribute the person I am today to the LOVE and the wealth of knowledge they share/ have shared with me.

*My son, Trey. He is the most AMAZING and kind-hearted boy out there. He tackles challenges head on... with a thirst to overcome and a need to break them wide open! He continues to surprise me daily. He is one of my greatest achievements, and he saved my life (and continues to every day.)

*My daughter, Eisley. I find love and light in everything she does. She has a natural energy that consumes her. She is going to be a passionate and driven person as she continues to grow up. I was born to be her mother.

*My daughter, Emery. The softness and sweetness within her amazes me. She looks at everything like she is looking at it for the first time. Every moment is an adventure and an experience, and I have learned so much in being her mother.

*My husband, Frank. We might have our differences, but being able to wake up next to him every morning has changed my life in ways I can't even explain. I had lost faith in romantic love, and he opend my eyes to a world I hadn't even imagined. He has blessed me with our wonderful children, and memories that will stay with me always.

*My brother (and his wonderful wife and daughter) and my sister. They are my best friends. Growing up we had to come together in ways that made our relationship stronger than most. We have helped one another through some of the darkest times, and have shared in the triumph and joy of success. We would not hesitate to defend one another, at any cost, and my world is a better place because they are in it :)

*My in-laws. It's lovely to be connected to and learn from a group of people who know my husband inside and out, and to share in the joys of the family expanding. Family isn't defined by blood.

*The very few friends I am still in contact with! They have walked beside me in my troubled times, celebrated with me in my times of joy, and been there for all of the moments in between.

*Shrimp Cocktail. Mmmmm.

*Musicians who still play their own instruments, write their own songs, and stay true to what made them passionate about music to begin with.

*My handheld Bissel 3 in 1 Vacuum cleaner.

*The way the air smells when it starts to get colder.

*The colors of fall.

*Sadness, without which I would not be able to fully appreciate happiness.

*My minivan :)

*The ability to come together with those who share in my faith!

*The Food Network, and all of the amazing chefs out there!!

*Instant pudding.

*Finger paints, pastels, watercolors, crayons, magic markers, colored pencils, charcoal, chalk, and any other medium by which art can be brought to fruition! 

*Instruments... the ones I play and the ones I don't, along with those who grace the world with their musical talent!

*Cheese :)

*Surviving my teenage years! 

*Those who defend this country.

*Freedom of Speech.


*Grey's Anatomy, Top Chef, River Monsters, Colbert Report, and all of "my shows!"

*My ability to write, be it good or bad it is something that is unique to ME.

*Those who are open-minded!

*The Internet!



*Emilie Dickinson, Sylvia Plath, and all of the other writers who have given me something to ponder and appreciate over the years.

*Warm smiles.

*Eye Contact!

*Movies, and the few actors that impress me greatly with their talent and dedication to their craft :) Keep up the good work!

*The few children's shows that are actually still educational!

*Old pictures and notes.

*Coming home for Christmas!!

*Hot coffee and cold beer.

*Always having had a roof over my head and food in my stomach!!


*All of the things my parents worked so hard to provide me with when I was growing up! Thank you Thank you Thank you.


*My ability to CHOOSE, reason, and make decisions.

*Napping after Thanksgiving dinner.

*The way I feel things... and the way I over-analyze and am overly self-critical. Some call it drama, and I am ok with that. I know I am alive and have lived.

*Post-it notes.


*Second chances.

*Playstation 3 :)

*Text messaging!

*Having experienced everything I've experienced, and finding out that it's never too late to change.


I have found that this blog could very easily become a dumping ground for my negative thoughts. I want to avoid that.

"Like Attracts Like!" Simple enough. Example: Positivity breeds positivity.

When once we finally realize we are "TOTALLY" responsible for everything that manifests in our lives, we are able to take the "Like Attracts Like" adage very seriously and consciously use this simple law to create the life we desire.

Put simply, positive thoughts vibrate at a high frequency, and negative thoughts at a somewhat lower frequency. Each negative thought we allow to remain uncorrected in our mind acts as an anchor to our overall vibrational frequency and "attracts" manifestations to us that are not in harmony with our highest purpose, while withholding those that are.

It is in our best interest to IMMEDIATELY replace a negative thought or word with a positive one...and it need not even be related to the subject. Virtually any positive thought will help to neutralize the negative thought because all we are talking about in truth is vibrational frequency, not the subject matter of the thought.

So, I am going to vibrate today. Positively vibrate.


you want a girl that's thin.
you want a slight, dirty angel.
you want submissive.
i am loud. loud.
i am taken down at any angle
and i suffer from perpetual boredom.
i scream. i scream. unease...
you wanna... wanna...
you wanna good bad striptease.

it isn't good... it isn't right...

left in the pitch....with no night light...
silence rips the rest from my eyes....
resentment vs. compromise...
the sickness steps out of his head
and with a cackle my hopes fall dead...
replaced by destruction to get the spread.
it wilts, this dream that i had wed.

skip ahead...
the red cord hangs me out to dry...
and nails me in with no reply...
a blistered heart bleeds just for you...
the only match i ever knew.
i calculate right past the maze.
what left us full of holes and crazed.
lover's papercut fights the sting.
and i wear the pain just like a ring.

by: me.

Monday, May 2, 2011


this blog will have two parts.

part one :

i am sick of hearing about the "death" of Osama Bin Laden. firstly, my opinions regarding what REALLY happened on 911 -which have changed drastically recently and are too lengthy to write about at the moment- have led me to associate Bin Laden with being more of a pawn of the Bush administration than the mastermind behind the attacks, so i feel that his death does not bring justice to those that died that day. in fact, focusing on Bin Laden has taken the focus off of those who are really responsible for the attack on this country, which is a tragedy.

secondly, due to his crimes against many nations, the death of Bin Laden is definitely not a BAD thing, but I am not going to rejoice in the murder of any person... for whatever cause. in the states, if i was to kill someone who had threatened to kill me or had killed someone i loved, it would be murder and is illegal. i view this event in the same way. i am not going to cheer and scream out in happiness that several human lives have been lost in the quest to murder someone, which is basically what happened. i know this man has been painted as the one who is responsible for the deaths of thousands, but does that make it ok to seek him out and take his life or rejoice in his demise? doesn't that make us just as bad?

part two :

Frank got a call from Trey's principal today and was told that Trey was hit in the face by a tree branch *yes, a tree branch* on the playground. If you remember in a previous blog I mentioned a student named "JOE." Well, "JOE" is the student that pulled the branch back, smiled, and let it go... thus hitting my son directly in the face. Luckily nothing is broken and his teeth are intact. Getting hit in the fact by a full grown Bradford Pear tree branch could do some serious damage.

Any way, the principal told Frank that the student was disciplined accordingly. Come to find out, the student had to sit on the bench at recess, count to 1000, and then continue about his business. Now, call me crazy, but that does not seem like the punishment fits the crime! At least the principal called, which is a step up from the LAST incident. -shaking my head-

I am sick of all of this nonsense happening while Trey is at school. The adults who are supposed to be watching these kids to ensure crap like this doesn't happen aren't doing their damn jobs. If you see a group of children hanging around (or on) the tree, tell them to get away from it, so as to avoid one of them getting hurt! It's common sense.

I am so ready for this year to be over. We will be making other arrangements when it comes to next year in regards to where Trey is attending. No doubt.