Friday, May 20, 2011


Something isn't right.

And for once...

I dont even have the words.

Just to speak of spark and lightening from a shattered heart, it takes courage to let you enter to see into my dark. -alr

she ran into a plate glass window.
she wonders why and where.... and how you are.
she dreams of hallucinogenic romance.
she's using an alias.
she's got an address that is unlisted.
all you've ever known is all you know you know... and its not much.
a mere speck of dust sinking to the bottom of a deep black ocean of time.
she loves him so hard that sometimes she cant swallow.
she loves him behind her eyes.
she's wondering what could happen
but she knows what would happen.
she tells me so. she knows she glows.
light switch flipped... scale's been tipped.... tongue equipped...
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1...
to merely exist in one another's orbit.
alcohol fuzz. she tends to love just because.
she says "baby, he knew i was gonna run...
that's why I tried so hard..."
she loves to watch him come undone.
she says "baby, if i let him own me
i'd lose this amazing curiosity...
he is mine and i am his and that, my friend, is all there is."
she puts her vehicle into 4th gear
and whips around this machine she manipulates.
healthy hips... smiling lips... clever quips.
there is no reverse. only forward speed.
just a touch and a September blush.
her smoke screen... silk sheen... Vaseline.
she is all the things that i can't seem to be.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

[gone grey]

Frank is working 16 hours days lately, on average. He is only supposed to work 12 (legally) but the Railroad OBVIOUSLY has ways of getting around that. We moved to Oklahoma to be with Frank. We wanted to keep the family together... after all, it's important for our marriage and our children.... and yet Frank is never here. He spends as much time in Wichita as he spends here. When he is here, he is sleeping. It seems that he is always rushing in or rushing out, and that he is cranky during the time in between because of the constant pressure he is experiencing with his demanding job.

We spent the first few years of our marriage barely making ends meet... borrowing money from our parents and struggling to make it on our own. Now that we are in a position where we are financially stable and more independent than I knew it was possible to be... I feel more alone and more disconnected than I have felt in my entire life.

Naturally, when I share my struggles with other people they say "go out and make friends! Go out and meet people! Go out and get involved!"

It's very hard to make friends and meet people when I have two toddlers pulling me in every direction every second of my day. I tried to meet other parents at daycare, but the girls only went for a few weeks because we got them enrolled late in the year. Most of the parents would just drop their kids and leave, so it was hard to get my girls situated and then find people to talk with (without looking creepy!)

I have thought about taking the kids to Church on Sunday mornings or on Wednesday nights, but I am overwhelmed by the idea of trying to wrangle them and chase them all on my own... all the while trying to make friends with the people who would view me as the "crazy lady" with the out of control children. I am so frazzled and worn out every time I try to go out in public that I end up riddled with anxiety. It's exhausting.

I spend all of my time in this apartment with the kids. We have the same routine every day, which usually consists of cleaning and then cleaning some more... laundry, dishes, the usual. Playing with blocks, working on flashcards, watching movies on Netflix. During nap time I throw myself into doing the things I can't focus on when the girls are awake, which is usually more cleaning. I try to hop on the treadmill every now and then... but I usually have stuff that needs to get done during my free time so it trumps the tread. 

At night, once the kids go to bed, I sit on the couch (alone) and mess around on facebook. I eventually lock up the house and go to bed. I lay there (alone) in my bed staring at the ceiling, on edge and listening to the sounds the apartment makes. I am always afraid of being here at night with the kids. Blanchard is a small town and I am sure nothing would ever happen, but it sucks being so far away from everyone I know and alone. I eventually drift off to sleep... after my mind stops going a mile a minute and the worry and anxiety I carry with me finally slip away.

I miss my husband. I miss my best friend. I miss being able to throw some steaks on the grill, open the back patio sliding glass door, and sit around with him and just enjoy one another. I miss having WEEKENDS where we KNEW he didnt have to be to work until Monday morning so we could actually PLAN something. I miss going to bed next to him every night and waking up next to him every morning. I miss laughing and joking and playing with the kids in the yard. We dont have a yard OR a porch any more... so no grilling or playing or anything like that goes on around here. Even if we DID, Frank is rarely here.

I miss my parents! I miss my friends. I miss knowing my surroundings and feeling comfortable. At least in Derby when I needed to load all of the kids up and head to Dillons on my own I knew my way around the store... I knew where EVERYTHING was and could get in and get out. I also always ran into a familiar face, which would brighten my day immensely!

I miss going over to my parents house for dinner and letting the kids run around... watching and enjoying how they interact with Grandma and Grandpa and my brother and sisters.

I miss Grammy bringing over homemade applesauce for the kids and desert she had stayed up making the night before... and then standing on the porch chatting about what was new and what cute things the kids had done that day.

I miss being able to see my brother John and sister Sami and their beautiful little girl Zadie any time I wanted. John and Sami finally moved to Derby, and we packed up and moved away. It breaks my heart. Zadie is growing up so fast and I feel like I am missing it. John and Amanda have been there for EVERY moment for me and my children. I want to be there for them. I love little Zadie as if she were mine.

I miss my baby sister and how we would hang out in the living room at my parents house while the kids slept and drink boxed wine and watch bad television. Always laughing and having fun and being content in just being there for each other.

I miss going out to Franks parents and watching the kids jump on the trampoline and run around in the yard... or enjoying stone-soup Sunday and eating good food and having good conversation.

I miss going to Church and seeing the faces I have seen since I was a child. The familiar hello's and warm smiles that I have come to realize mean more to me than anything. History. Connection. A sense of community. A feeling of belonging. It's important.

I feel rundown and burnt out. I feel like my life is stuck on repeat and that i can break out of the pattern I have found myself in. I feel like the colors in me have gone grey and that I am out of focus.

Needless to say, now that Trey is out of school I will be bringing the kids up to Derby quite often. Something has to change.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011


Today someone posted something on Facebook that sparked an interesting argument. The post read "I need everyone to answer this question: Is a gay dude more of a boy friend or a girl friend." Naturally most of the comments that followed were in jest... but one individual went so far as to say "They are neither. They are nothing but sinners." They also went on to say very hurtful and hateful things, including "i have a seat beside my father in heaven while those faggots burn in hell." Naturally this kid had no idea what he was talking about and sounded way too similar to the WBC nuts. If he truly believes that "his Father in heaven" would consider homosexuality to be a sin... yet "his Father in heaven" would consider the condemnation of a group of people based on an inborn trait to be a cause that should be both prompted and supported by the bible or Christian fundamentals he has another thing coming. Hiding behind a faith you dont even understand because you have hate in your heart and its easier to back up that hate with a passage from a book that teaches of love seems backwards and pathetic.

Most who reference the bible in regards to views on homosexuality refer to the story of Sodom and Gamora. That is the biggest gun they have in their arsenal, and typically they are incorrect in their beliefs that God destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah for homosexual acts. In fact, the city of Sodom had been doomed to destruction long before. Jesus and five Old Testament prophets all speak of the sins that led to the destruction of Sodom -- and not one of them mentions homosexuality. Even Billy Graham doesn't mention homosexuality when he preaches on Sodom. Listen to what Ezekiel 16:48-49 tell us: "This is the sin of Sodom; she and her suburbs had pride, excess of food, and prosperous ease, but did not help or encourage the poor and needy. They were arrogant and this was abominable in God's eyes."

But what does the story of Sodom say about homosexual orientation as we understand it today? Nothing. It was common for soldiers, thieves, and bullies to rape a fallen enemy, asserting their victory by dehumanizing and demeaning the vanquished. This act of raping an enemy is about power and revenge, not about homosexuality or homosexual orientation. When people say "In the bible it says that man should not lay down with a man"... that is in reference to a totally different occurance that has to be kept in context of the time it was written. The sexual act that occurs in the story of Sodom is a gang rape -- and homosexuals oppose gang rape as much as anyone. Again, most people who hide behind the bible to forward their own hateful agenda dont really have a leg to stand on!
Biblical ignorance is an epidemic in the United States. A recent study found that 38 percent of Americans polled were certain the Old Testament was written a few years after Jesus' death. Ten percent believed Joan of Arc was Noah's wife. Many even thought the epistles were the wives of the apostles. (LOL!)

This same kind of biblical ignorance is all too present around the topic of homosexuality. If you read the bible you would realize that Jesus says nothing about same-sex behavior. The Jewish prophets are silent about homosexuality. Only six or seven of the Bible's one million verses refer to same-sex behavior in any way -- and none of these verses refer to homosexual orientation as it's understood today.

Most people who are certain they know what the Bible says about homosexuality don't know where the verses that reference same-sex behavior can be found. They haven't read them, let alone studied them carefully. They don't know the original meaning of the words in Hebrew or Greek. And they haven't tried to understand the historical context in which those words were written. Yet the assumption that the Bible condemns homosexuality is passed down from generation to generation with very little personal study or research. The consequences of this misinformation are disastrous, obviously.

In fact, the Bible accepts sexual practices that we condemn and condemns sexual practices that we accept. Lots of them! Here are a few examples.

If it is discovered that a bride is not a virgin, the Bible demands that she be executed by stoning immediately.

If a married person has sex with someone else's husband or wife, the Bible commands that both adulterers be stoned to death.

MARK 10:1-12
Divorce is strictly forbidden in both Testaments, as is remarriage of anyone who has been divorced.

The Bible forbids a married couple from having sexual intercourse during a woman's period. If they disobey, both shall be executed.

MARK 12:18-27
If a man dies childless, his widow is ordered by biblical law to have intercourse with each of his brothers in turn until she bears her deceased husband a male heir.

If a man gets into a fight with another man and his wife seeks to rescue her husband by grabbing the enemy's genitals, her hand shall be cut off and no pity shall be shown her.

The list goes on: The Bible says clearly that sex with a prostitute is acceptable for the husband but not for the wife. Polygamy (more than one wife) is acceptable, as is a king's having many concubines. (Solomon, the wisest king of all, had 1,000 concubines.) Slavery and sex with slaves, marriage of girls aged 11-13, and treatment of women as property are all accepted practices in the Scriptures. On the other hand, there are strict prohibitions against interracial marriage, birth control, discussing or even naming a sexual organ, and seeing one's parents nude.

And that is the end of my rant. I am very passionate about the topic if you can't tell.... and I am tired of CHRISTIANS using the bible as a means to forward a hateful agenda. They should be ashamed to claim a faith they dont take the time to understand.