Wednesday, May 18, 2011

[gone grey]

Frank is working 16 hours days lately, on average. He is only supposed to work 12 (legally) but the Railroad OBVIOUSLY has ways of getting around that. We moved to Oklahoma to be with Frank. We wanted to keep the family together... after all, it's important for our marriage and our children.... and yet Frank is never here. He spends as much time in Wichita as he spends here. When he is here, he is sleeping. It seems that he is always rushing in or rushing out, and that he is cranky during the time in between because of the constant pressure he is experiencing with his demanding job.

We spent the first few years of our marriage barely making ends meet... borrowing money from our parents and struggling to make it on our own. Now that we are in a position where we are financially stable and more independent than I knew it was possible to be... I feel more alone and more disconnected than I have felt in my entire life.

Naturally, when I share my struggles with other people they say "go out and make friends! Go out and meet people! Go out and get involved!"

It's very hard to make friends and meet people when I have two toddlers pulling me in every direction every second of my day. I tried to meet other parents at daycare, but the girls only went for a few weeks because we got them enrolled late in the year. Most of the parents would just drop their kids and leave, so it was hard to get my girls situated and then find people to talk with (without looking creepy!)

I have thought about taking the kids to Church on Sunday mornings or on Wednesday nights, but I am overwhelmed by the idea of trying to wrangle them and chase them all on my own... all the while trying to make friends with the people who would view me as the "crazy lady" with the out of control children. I am so frazzled and worn out every time I try to go out in public that I end up riddled with anxiety. It's exhausting.

I spend all of my time in this apartment with the kids. We have the same routine every day, which usually consists of cleaning and then cleaning some more... laundry, dishes, the usual. Playing with blocks, working on flashcards, watching movies on Netflix. During nap time I throw myself into doing the things I can't focus on when the girls are awake, which is usually more cleaning. I try to hop on the treadmill every now and then... but I usually have stuff that needs to get done during my free time so it trumps the tread. 

At night, once the kids go to bed, I sit on the couch (alone) and mess around on facebook. I eventually lock up the house and go to bed. I lay there (alone) in my bed staring at the ceiling, on edge and listening to the sounds the apartment makes. I am always afraid of being here at night with the kids. Blanchard is a small town and I am sure nothing would ever happen, but it sucks being so far away from everyone I know and alone. I eventually drift off to sleep... after my mind stops going a mile a minute and the worry and anxiety I carry with me finally slip away.

I miss my husband. I miss my best friend. I miss being able to throw some steaks on the grill, open the back patio sliding glass door, and sit around with him and just enjoy one another. I miss having WEEKENDS where we KNEW he didnt have to be to work until Monday morning so we could actually PLAN something. I miss going to bed next to him every night and waking up next to him every morning. I miss laughing and joking and playing with the kids in the yard. We dont have a yard OR a porch any more... so no grilling or playing or anything like that goes on around here. Even if we DID, Frank is rarely here.

I miss my parents! I miss my friends. I miss knowing my surroundings and feeling comfortable. At least in Derby when I needed to load all of the kids up and head to Dillons on my own I knew my way around the store... I knew where EVERYTHING was and could get in and get out. I also always ran into a familiar face, which would brighten my day immensely!

I miss going over to my parents house for dinner and letting the kids run around... watching and enjoying how they interact with Grandma and Grandpa and my brother and sisters.

I miss Grammy bringing over homemade applesauce for the kids and desert she had stayed up making the night before... and then standing on the porch chatting about what was new and what cute things the kids had done that day.

I miss being able to see my brother John and sister Sami and their beautiful little girl Zadie any time I wanted. John and Sami finally moved to Derby, and we packed up and moved away. It breaks my heart. Zadie is growing up so fast and I feel like I am missing it. John and Amanda have been there for EVERY moment for me and my children. I want to be there for them. I love little Zadie as if she were mine.

I miss my baby sister and how we would hang out in the living room at my parents house while the kids slept and drink boxed wine and watch bad television. Always laughing and having fun and being content in just being there for each other.

I miss going out to Franks parents and watching the kids jump on the trampoline and run around in the yard... or enjoying stone-soup Sunday and eating good food and having good conversation.

I miss going to Church and seeing the faces I have seen since I was a child. The familiar hello's and warm smiles that I have come to realize mean more to me than anything. History. Connection. A sense of community. A feeling of belonging. It's important.

I feel rundown and burnt out. I feel like my life is stuck on repeat and that i can break out of the pattern I have found myself in. I feel like the colors in me have gone grey and that I am out of focus.

Needless to say, now that Trey is out of school I will be bringing the kids up to Derby quite often. Something has to change.

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