Thursday, August 4, 2011


You can never win an argument. An argument happens when two people try to push their point of view onto the other. Since both are pushing, both are resisting the other’s opinion. What you resist persists, and each person’s point of view simply gets stronger and stronger. An argument implies two or more people talking with a win-lose mentality, where in order for you to win, you have to make the other person wrong. Since no one wants to be wrong, the situation at the end of the argument is usually much worse than at the beginning of the argument.

Every situation has multiple perspectives, and this is why two people experiencing the same situation will never report the exact same experience. Students of algebra can easily understand this. A linear equation has only one root (solution), whereas a quadratic equation has two roots, and a polynomial equation has multiple roots, equal to the highest powered variable in the equation. The real problem in an argument arises due to linear thinking - it is like trying to look for only one root in a quadratic algebraic equation, whereas the other person has come up with the other root, making both of you right. Thus, it is only in understanding the other’s perspective can we put an end to the argument and come to a mutual agreement. Shifting our thinking from win-lose (one solution/one perspective) to win-win (multiple solutions/multiple perspectives) thus greatly helps in resolving the issue.

In addition, arguments in romantic relationships are usually more delicate and complicated as compared to arguments in other situations. As the partners depend on each other for love, there is a higher chance of an argument psychologically wounding the other, which may take much time to heal. The core issue behind most arguments in romantic relationships is usually a perception, real or imagined, that one is not getting love from the other. On many occasions, couples forget the original reason for the argument, and instead start arguing about how they are arguing! This is because as couples argue, they feel the lack of love from each other, which is quite hurtful for both parties involved.

When the mind is turned negative, it will not listen to any reason, and thus it is best to address the mind by sending it love instead of trying to rationalize and win the argument. Even if you win with your logic, you are not a real winner unless you are able to address your partners feelings as well. Love is thus the only medicine that can put an end to the argument between couples, and depending on the situation, the love required to resolve the argument may need to take the form of respect, validation, reassurance, trust, approval, acceptance, appreciation, caring or understanding.

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