Monday, June 13, 2011


Today I have an appointment with a Physician. I made the appointment specifically to address my difficulty in losing weight and to get the ball rolling in regards to being under a Physician supervised diet and exercise program.

Per request, the office mailed me all of the paperwork to fill out at home so I wouldn't have to fill it out while chasing the kids in the office. In filling out the paperwork I was made aware that, not only has it been years since I had a full workup with a physician, but I have been dealing with some serious issues that really add up when you see them all on paper.

Not only have I had joint pain (pain in general) in my knees and ankles, but I have had bouts of dizziness, frequent headaches, numbness/tingling in my fingers, blurred vision, and a few other things that I didnt think much of, until I was able to see them visually represented on a medical history form.

Also, this particular group of paperwork I received had a section regarding psychological issues. Its one of those charts that ask you to mark "on a scale from 1-10, how severe does this issue impact your life." Some of the issues listed were...

* Waking up multiple times at night
* Restlessness
* Indecisiveness
* Anxiousness
* Difficulty falling asleep
* Headaches
* Pessimism
* Nervousness

... just to name a few. As I am filling out the paperwork I start to realize that I have experienced / am experiencing EVERY ONE OF THE ISSUES LISTED. I am intelligent enough to realize (generally speaking) that CLINICALLY it would appear that I am struggling with depression or a number of other psychological issues.

I have a fear that they are going to perform a physical evaluation and a psychological evaluation and tell me that not only am I am in AWFUL shape physically, but mentally as well. I am not afraid in the sense that it's going to be a shock or it's going to shake the very foundation my entire world is built upon, but scared in the sense that I am going to have to face my demons and do something proactive to help myself.

I have noticed for the last year or two that something inside of me has changed. I dont know if it's because I had two children so close together and I dont make it out into the world very much, or if it's something that has always been there but buried beneath the surface. I sometimes become anxious in social situations or avoid them all together. Not situations where I am with people I already know and are comfortable with, but the opposite. In a sense, I have become immensely anti-confrontational. I didn't use to be this way. In fact, I was the exact opposite. I thrived on confrontation (not just the negative kind, either. Lol.) This is just ONE thing that I have noticed is wrong.

I know my self-image is very poor and my self-esteem is almost non-existent on some days. I struggle with feelings of worthlessness and failure, and I know I dont get enough sleep. I feel restless and bored, but overwhelmed and stretched too thin. I have convinced myself the last few months that it's just due to stress and that it's normal, but do I really believe that?

I work so hard every day to hold everything together and to do the best job I can at taking care of everyone. I feel that a lot of the symptoms I am experiencing are just due to stress and having children, but I am both nervous and excited to be able to speak with a Doctor about some of the things I have been experiencing lately. (Hell, I have already figured out *in filling out my forms* that I struggle with excitement and nervousness, so I shouldn't be surprised.)

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