I am struggling with my diet today. *Grumble*
I wrote a blog entry last night about my diet.... and after having a restless night of tossing and turning and worrying about anything and everything, I am struggling today to stay optimitistc and to stay motivated.
For five days I have eaten exactly what I am supposed to eat at the exact times i am supposed to eat... and I have spent all of the time on the treadmill that I promised myself I would. I woke up to weigh myself, only to be dissapointed AGAIN at what the scale said. I have not lost ONE pound in 5 days of vigorous dieting and exercise. *sigh*
I did, however, put on a pair of capri's that I purchased in Derby 10 days ago and they fit slightly more loosely than they did 10 days ago. I guess that is a good indicator that I have maybe lost some mass. I need to buy a sewing tape measure so I can log my measurements and keep track of them as well.
The point of putting myself through all of this is to be come more healthy (of course) and to LOSE WEIGHT. I am carrying around WAY too much weight and I am ready for it to be gone!! I know that losing over 100lbs is a HUGE venture and I anticipate that if I stay on track it will take well over a year to accomplish, but I also thought that I'd maybe lose 1 or 2 lbs the first week. -grumble again-
I have an appointment with a Physician on the 13th. He is going to check my thyroid and I am going to undergo a phyiscal to make sure that everything else is in propper working order. I am also going to speak with him about diet and exercise and see if he has any insight as to what might work best for me at this point in my life.
I have had several friends that have had gastric bypass surgery over the years. Many have been successful, yet a few have not been as successful. I'd be lying if I said that having gastric bypass surgery hasn't crossed my mind. I am fearful of undergoing an elective surgery, however, and I know how difficult the recovery for a surgery like that is. GBS is something I am contemplating, however, if months and months of diet and excersie do not do the trick for me.
I am tired of lacking the energy and stamina to keep up with my kids. I am tired of my knees and feet hurting when I walk at the grocery store. I am tired of looking in the mirror and being disgusted with what I see. I have gained well over 65 lbs since Frank and I got married... and he has lost around 80lbs. I feel we are at two very different places in our lives and I want to develop the same lifestyle and make the same healthy choices that Frank has made.
Any way, I feel better having taken the time to write this. It has given me that extra little bit of motivation to keep going and to keep working at it. Nothing worth having comes easy :) Just gotta put one foot in front of the other (literally) and stay positive.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Thursday, June 2, 2011
[my diet.]
I am on a diet.... and I figured Id share :)
(This diet is called "Six Week Body Makeover... and the program cost me roughly $200.00 to buy.)
Due to my particular body type (which is "Endomorph" and was determined by me filling out a questionnaire) I have a specific diet program to follow in regards to extreme fat burning.
I eat 5 (or 6) meals every day... usually 2.5/3 hours apart.
Proteins I can eat: Chicken Breast, Turkey Breast, Lean Ground Turkey, Delicate Fish (Haddock, Flounder, and Cod), Fish Steak (Tuna, Mahi Mahi, and Shark), and Egg Whites. Carbs I can eat: Rice, Potato, Yam, Oatmeal, Barley, and Millet. Fruits I can eat: Strawberry, Blueberry, Blackberry, Grapefruit, and Pineapple. I can eat any veggie (except for Squash, because it's also a carb.) Lettuce, Sprouts, Cucumber, and Mushrooms are FREE veggies. I can east as much as I want at any time I want :)
I do not use any oil, fat, sugar, or salt in my cooking. I splurge and use Wishbone Salad Spritzers to dress salad every now and then, but only 10 sprays (= 10 calories.) I use only Mrs. Dash Salt-Free seasoning to season food. I also use several different vinegars to add a bit of flavor to fish or to greens.
I make fresh Pico to top fish, potatoes, and salads. I also make turkey chili (no beans) and tomato sauce using canned no-salt diced tomato.
I blend up cucumber, dill, mustard seed, and a splash of rice vinegar to make a dressing for fish and salad. I also have several other oil and salt free marinades I have learned how to make for chicken and fish.
Breakfast:
2 oz. protein
1/2 cup carb
(Rapid Results: 2 oz. turkey breast and 1/2 grapefruit.)
Mid Morning Snack:
2 oz. protein
1/2 cup fruit
(Rapid Results: 3 oz. tuna steak and 1 cup greens.)
Lunch:
2 oz protein
1/2 cup carb
1 cup veggie
(Rapid Results: 2 oz. fish, 1/2 cup yam, 1 cup greens.)
Mid Afternoon Snack:
2 oz. protein
1/2 cup fruit
(Rapid Results: 3 oz. tuna and 1 cup greens.)
Dinner:
2 oz. protein
1/2 cup carb
1 cup veggie
(Rapid Results: 3 oz. fish and 1 cup veggie.)
PM snack: (optional)
2 oz. protein
1/2 cup fruit
(Rapid Results: 2 oz. chicken breast and 1 cup greens.)
I also spend an hour on the treadmill every day... staying in my target heart rate zone (which is 126 - 128 bpm.) This zone is ideal for burning fat.
I started this diet on Sunday the 29th. My goal is to lose roughly 3 or 4 lbs every week. If I lose more, that's GREAT :) I am having a slow start unfortunately. In the last 5 days I have not lost any weight, which is unfortunate. I am sure, however, that maybe I am losing inches or toning up some muscle i havent used in a while. I keep telling myself that even though I dont SEE the results, they are there all the same.
I am excited and ready to take on this weight loss adventure. I am hoping that by my 10 year class reunion in September I look (and feel) a bit better than I do now. *Fingers Crossed!*
(This diet is called "Six Week Body Makeover... and the program cost me roughly $200.00 to buy.)
Due to my particular body type (which is "Endomorph" and was determined by me filling out a questionnaire) I have a specific diet program to follow in regards to extreme fat burning.
I eat 5 (or 6) meals every day... usually 2.5/3 hours apart.
Proteins I can eat: Chicken Breast, Turkey Breast, Lean Ground Turkey, Delicate Fish (Haddock, Flounder, and Cod), Fish Steak (Tuna, Mahi Mahi, and Shark), and Egg Whites. Carbs I can eat: Rice, Potato, Yam, Oatmeal, Barley, and Millet. Fruits I can eat: Strawberry, Blueberry, Blackberry, Grapefruit, and Pineapple. I can eat any veggie (except for Squash, because it's also a carb.) Lettuce, Sprouts, Cucumber, and Mushrooms are FREE veggies. I can east as much as I want at any time I want :)
I do not use any oil, fat, sugar, or salt in my cooking. I splurge and use Wishbone Salad Spritzers to dress salad every now and then, but only 10 sprays (= 10 calories.) I use only Mrs. Dash Salt-Free seasoning to season food. I also use several different vinegars to add a bit of flavor to fish or to greens.
I make fresh Pico to top fish, potatoes, and salads. I also make turkey chili (no beans) and tomato sauce using canned no-salt diced tomato.
I blend up cucumber, dill, mustard seed, and a splash of rice vinegar to make a dressing for fish and salad. I also have several other oil and salt free marinades I have learned how to make for chicken and fish.
Breakfast:
2 oz. protein
1/2 cup carb
(Rapid Results: 2 oz. turkey breast and 1/2 grapefruit.)
Mid Morning Snack:
2 oz. protein
1/2 cup fruit
(Rapid Results: 3 oz. tuna steak and 1 cup greens.)
Lunch:
2 oz protein
1/2 cup carb
1 cup veggie
(Rapid Results: 2 oz. fish, 1/2 cup yam, 1 cup greens.)
Mid Afternoon Snack:
2 oz. protein
1/2 cup fruit
(Rapid Results: 3 oz. tuna and 1 cup greens.)
Dinner:
2 oz. protein
1/2 cup carb
1 cup veggie
(Rapid Results: 3 oz. fish and 1 cup veggie.)
PM snack: (optional)
2 oz. protein
1/2 cup fruit
(Rapid Results: 2 oz. chicken breast and 1 cup greens.)
I also spend an hour on the treadmill every day... staying in my target heart rate zone (which is 126 - 128 bpm.) This zone is ideal for burning fat.
I started this diet on Sunday the 29th. My goal is to lose roughly 3 or 4 lbs every week. If I lose more, that's GREAT :) I am having a slow start unfortunately. In the last 5 days I have not lost any weight, which is unfortunate. I am sure, however, that maybe I am losing inches or toning up some muscle i havent used in a while. I keep telling myself that even though I dont SEE the results, they are there all the same.
I am excited and ready to take on this weight loss adventure. I am hoping that by my 10 year class reunion in September I look (and feel) a bit better than I do now. *Fingers Crossed!*
[what to do.]
There is a new development in our little world... one that i am not quite ready to share with EVERYONE yet so it will go right here in my blog instead of all over Facebook.
Frank has the potential to land a spot as an Engineer in Training ("Fireman in Training" or "FIT") down in Longview, Texas. Longview is roughly 60 miles west of Shreveport, Louisiana.... up in the eastern corner of Texas.
As has become the standard this last year, we are yet again faced with a HUGE decision.
Naturally, both Frank and I agree that if we had nothing else to consider other than the opportunity itself, he should NOT pass this up. It's the golden ring. Being an Engineer is what every Railroader longs to be. The fact that he could become an Engineer during his first year with Union Pacific if HUGE. It also promises at least $15,000 more a year in pay and quite a bit of notoriety. (I have to mention that just because he finishes training as an Engineer, that does not ensure him an Engineering job... but it does give him a marketable skill and the potential to work as an Engineer. I will talk about that in a bit.)
Having said that, we have so many other things to consider, which makes this decision much more difficult to make. One thing we have learned during Franks employment with Union Pacific is that things can change in the blink of an eye. You can get bumped from one job to the next without warning, and right when you think that things make sense and that you have it figured out, the railroad will jerk the rug right out from under your feet.
The training itself takes roughly 6 months... and it starts on July 11th. If we choose to move the family down to Longview while Frank trains to be an Engineer, we have to consider there is a chance that once he is done training his sseniority as an Engineer in Longview might not be enough to ensure him an Engineering job out of Longview.
The railroad bases everything on Seniority. Franks Conductor seniority and Engineer seniority would be two separate things. Since Frank was hired on as a Conductor back in November of 2010, he has a bit of Seniority because other Conductors have been hired since then, and even out of his class he was the top of his class. If he is hired on as an Engineer on July 11th (which is when the training would start) he would have very little Engineer seniority.... and will have only accumulated a small bit by the time training is over and he needs to mark up on a job.
If he CANT hold an Engineering job out of Longview or Shreveport because he doesnt hold the Seniority needed, unfortunately there are no Conductor jobs that Frank could hold in either town as well. That means that Frank would have to work in Dallas/Fort Worth because that is where he has the best chance of holding a job because it is a bigger hub and most of the guys Frank holds Conductor Seniority over work there. He could bump one of them out and take their job. Keep in mind, Fort Worth is roughly 2 hours away from Longview.
We would be renting a house most likely, and usually they require a years lease. We get locked into a years lease, and there is a good chance that for 6 months Frank would be living and working seperate from us. I am not in love with that idea. I am also not in love with the idea of convincing myself that frank wont be able to hold an Engineering job out of Longview or Shreveport, thus convincing myself that he should pass on this AWESOME opportunity.
Both Longview and Shreveport (as of right now) have several Engineering positions available according to several folks Frank has spoken to. Could Frank hold one once he is done training? There is no way for us to know. He could hold one for a week or two and then someone with more Seniority than him could swoop in and bump him out of it! -shaking my head!-
My head is about to explode. He has to make a decision in the next 3 days as to whether or not he is going to bid and possibly snag this opportunity. It's a lot to figure out.
*SIGH*
The question is, do we risk it? I am leaning toward "GO BIG OR GO HOME!"
Frank has the potential to land a spot as an Engineer in Training ("Fireman in Training" or "FIT") down in Longview, Texas. Longview is roughly 60 miles west of Shreveport, Louisiana.... up in the eastern corner of Texas.
As has become the standard this last year, we are yet again faced with a HUGE decision.
Naturally, both Frank and I agree that if we had nothing else to consider other than the opportunity itself, he should NOT pass this up. It's the golden ring. Being an Engineer is what every Railroader longs to be. The fact that he could become an Engineer during his first year with Union Pacific if HUGE. It also promises at least $15,000 more a year in pay and quite a bit of notoriety. (I have to mention that just because he finishes training as an Engineer, that does not ensure him an Engineering job... but it does give him a marketable skill and the potential to work as an Engineer. I will talk about that in a bit.)
Having said that, we have so many other things to consider, which makes this decision much more difficult to make. One thing we have learned during Franks employment with Union Pacific is that things can change in the blink of an eye. You can get bumped from one job to the next without warning, and right when you think that things make sense and that you have it figured out, the railroad will jerk the rug right out from under your feet.
The training itself takes roughly 6 months... and it starts on July 11th. If we choose to move the family down to Longview while Frank trains to be an Engineer, we have to consider there is a chance that once he is done training his sseniority as an Engineer in Longview might not be enough to ensure him an Engineering job out of Longview.
The railroad bases everything on Seniority. Franks Conductor seniority and Engineer seniority would be two separate things. Since Frank was hired on as a Conductor back in November of 2010, he has a bit of Seniority because other Conductors have been hired since then, and even out of his class he was the top of his class. If he is hired on as an Engineer on July 11th (which is when the training would start) he would have very little Engineer seniority.... and will have only accumulated a small bit by the time training is over and he needs to mark up on a job.
If he CANT hold an Engineering job out of Longview or Shreveport because he doesnt hold the Seniority needed, unfortunately there are no Conductor jobs that Frank could hold in either town as well. That means that Frank would have to work in Dallas/Fort Worth because that is where he has the best chance of holding a job because it is a bigger hub and most of the guys Frank holds Conductor Seniority over work there. He could bump one of them out and take their job. Keep in mind, Fort Worth is roughly 2 hours away from Longview.
We would be renting a house most likely, and usually they require a years lease. We get locked into a years lease, and there is a good chance that for 6 months Frank would be living and working seperate from us. I am not in love with that idea. I am also not in love with the idea of convincing myself that frank wont be able to hold an Engineering job out of Longview or Shreveport, thus convincing myself that he should pass on this AWESOME opportunity.
Both Longview and Shreveport (as of right now) have several Engineering positions available according to several folks Frank has spoken to. Could Frank hold one once he is done training? There is no way for us to know. He could hold one for a week or two and then someone with more Seniority than him could swoop in and bump him out of it! -shaking my head!-
My head is about to explode. He has to make a decision in the next 3 days as to whether or not he is going to bid and possibly snag this opportunity. It's a lot to figure out.
*SIGH*
The question is, do we risk it? I am leaning toward "GO BIG OR GO HOME!"
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
[something is different]
The last 24 hours have been some of the most emotional hours I have lived.
When you can only sit and helplessly watch as your entire world has the possibility to be taken from you... it really puts things into perspective.
I sat on the couch and stared, holding my son in my arms. Holding my breath and crying out to the Lord in silence. Waiting. Hoping. Imagining the worse but forcing myself to believe the best.
Not being able to hear Franks voice and not knowing whether or not he was safe shook me to my core. Although I had faith he was just fine... and I knew he had made it to the shelter in time... seeing the devestation on the television and knowing he was facing such a monster was enough to break my heart into countless pieces.
I am forever changed due to this experience.
I have cried so many tears for those who lost their lives these last few days... and for those who are searching for those they love.
I have cried so many tears for the mistakes I've made in my marriage (both big and small) and for any and all of the moments with the man I love that have been taken for granted. I will never again take for granted being able to smell him, touch him, or hear his voice. During the 30 minutes in which I did not know if he was safe... I realized that there would be no me without him. My entire world is wrapped up in what we have built together.
I have cried so many tears of joy for the fact that my babies are safe and that I can hold them in my arms and press my face into their hair and breath them in. I know there are parents out there tonight who would give anything to see the sweet smile of their child. I know there are parents out there who would gladly give their own life to breath life back into their precious Angels who have gone to sit by the Father in heaven.
I have cried so many tears of joy for the fact that my home is still standing... and that everything we own (down to the very last sock) is exactly where we left them when we headed for Derby a week ago. I will never again complain of not having what others have, because Lord knows I am BLESSED and THANKFUL to have all that I have. I am blessed to have stains on my carpet and tiny little sticky hand prints on my walls. I thank the Lord that I am not one of the many who have nothing.
Needless to say I am changed. Something inside of me is different. I am drowning in it. Letting the tears flow. Letting the fear and joy shake me to my core.
When you can only sit and helplessly watch as your entire world has the possibility to be taken from you... it really puts things into perspective.
I sat on the couch and stared, holding my son in my arms. Holding my breath and crying out to the Lord in silence. Waiting. Hoping. Imagining the worse but forcing myself to believe the best.
Not being able to hear Franks voice and not knowing whether or not he was safe shook me to my core. Although I had faith he was just fine... and I knew he had made it to the shelter in time... seeing the devestation on the television and knowing he was facing such a monster was enough to break my heart into countless pieces.
I am forever changed due to this experience.
I have cried so many tears for those who lost their lives these last few days... and for those who are searching for those they love.
I have cried so many tears for the mistakes I've made in my marriage (both big and small) and for any and all of the moments with the man I love that have been taken for granted. I will never again take for granted being able to smell him, touch him, or hear his voice. During the 30 minutes in which I did not know if he was safe... I realized that there would be no me without him. My entire world is wrapped up in what we have built together.
I have cried so many tears of joy for the fact that my babies are safe and that I can hold them in my arms and press my face into their hair and breath them in. I know there are parents out there tonight who would give anything to see the sweet smile of their child. I know there are parents out there who would gladly give their own life to breath life back into their precious Angels who have gone to sit by the Father in heaven.
I have cried so many tears of joy for the fact that my home is still standing... and that everything we own (down to the very last sock) is exactly where we left them when we headed for Derby a week ago. I will never again complain of not having what others have, because Lord knows I am BLESSED and THANKFUL to have all that I have. I am blessed to have stains on my carpet and tiny little sticky hand prints on my walls. I thank the Lord that I am not one of the many who have nothing.
Needless to say I am changed. Something inside of me is different. I am drowning in it. Letting the tears flow. Letting the fear and joy shake me to my core.
Friday, May 20, 2011
[she]
Something isn't right.
And for once...
I dont even have the words.
Just to speak of spark and lightening from a shattered heart, it takes courage to let you enter to see into my dark. -alr
she ran into a plate glass window.
she wonders why and where.... and how you are.
she dreams of hallucinogenic romance.
she's using an alias.
she's got an address that is unlisted.
all you've ever known is all you know you know... and its not much.
a mere speck of dust sinking to the bottom of a deep black ocean of time.
she loves him so hard that sometimes she cant swallow.
she loves him behind her eyes.
she's wondering what could happen
but she knows what would happen.
she tells me so. she knows she glows.
light switch flipped... scale's been tipped.... tongue equipped...
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1...
to merely exist in one another's orbit.
alcohol fuzz. she tends to love just because.
she says "baby, he knew i was gonna run...
that's why I tried so hard..."
she loves to watch him come undone.
she says "baby, if i let him own me
i'd lose this amazing curiosity...
he is mine and i am his and that, my friend, is all there is."
she puts her vehicle into 4th gear
and whips around this machine she manipulates.
healthy hips... smiling lips... clever quips.
there is no reverse. only forward speed.
just a touch and a September blush.
her smoke screen... silk sheen... Vaseline.
she is all the things that i can't seem to be.
And for once...
I dont even have the words.
Just to speak of spark and lightening from a shattered heart, it takes courage to let you enter to see into my dark. -alr
she ran into a plate glass window.
she wonders why and where.... and how you are.
she dreams of hallucinogenic romance.
she's using an alias.
she's got an address that is unlisted.
all you've ever known is all you know you know... and its not much.
a mere speck of dust sinking to the bottom of a deep black ocean of time.
she loves him so hard that sometimes she cant swallow.
she loves him behind her eyes.
she's wondering what could happen
but she knows what would happen.
she tells me so. she knows she glows.
light switch flipped... scale's been tipped.... tongue equipped...
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1...
to merely exist in one another's orbit.
alcohol fuzz. she tends to love just because.
she says "baby, he knew i was gonna run...
that's why I tried so hard..."
she loves to watch him come undone.
she says "baby, if i let him own me
i'd lose this amazing curiosity...
he is mine and i am his and that, my friend, is all there is."
she puts her vehicle into 4th gear
and whips around this machine she manipulates.
healthy hips... smiling lips... clever quips.
there is no reverse. only forward speed.
just a touch and a September blush.
her smoke screen... silk sheen... Vaseline.
she is all the things that i can't seem to be.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
[gone grey]
Frank is working 16 hours days lately, on average. He is only supposed to work 12 (legally) but the Railroad OBVIOUSLY has ways of getting around that. We moved to Oklahoma to be with Frank. We wanted to keep the family together... after all, it's important for our marriage and our children.... and yet Frank is never here. He spends as much time in Wichita as he spends here. When he is here, he is sleeping. It seems that he is always rushing in or rushing out, and that he is cranky during the time in between because of the constant pressure he is experiencing with his demanding job.
We spent the first few years of our marriage barely making ends meet... borrowing money from our parents and struggling to make it on our own. Now that we are in a position where we are financially stable and more independent than I knew it was possible to be... I feel more alone and more disconnected than I have felt in my entire life.
Naturally, when I share my struggles with other people they say "go out and make friends! Go out and meet people! Go out and get involved!"
It's very hard to make friends and meet people when I have two toddlers pulling me in every direction every second of my day. I tried to meet other parents at daycare, but the girls only went for a few weeks because we got them enrolled late in the year. Most of the parents would just drop their kids and leave, so it was hard to get my girls situated and then find people to talk with (without looking creepy!)
I have thought about taking the kids to Church on Sunday mornings or on Wednesday nights, but I am overwhelmed by the idea of trying to wrangle them and chase them all on my own... all the while trying to make friends with the people who would view me as the "crazy lady" with the out of control children. I am so frazzled and worn out every time I try to go out in public that I end up riddled with anxiety. It's exhausting.
I spend all of my time in this apartment with the kids. We have the same routine every day, which usually consists of cleaning and then cleaning some more... laundry, dishes, the usual. Playing with blocks, working on flashcards, watching movies on Netflix. During nap time I throw myself into doing the things I can't focus on when the girls are awake, which is usually more cleaning. I try to hop on the treadmill every now and then... but I usually have stuff that needs to get done during my free time so it trumps the tread.
At night, once the kids go to bed, I sit on the couch (alone) and mess around on facebook. I eventually lock up the house and go to bed. I lay there (alone) in my bed staring at the ceiling, on edge and listening to the sounds the apartment makes. I am always afraid of being here at night with the kids. Blanchard is a small town and I am sure nothing would ever happen, but it sucks being so far away from everyone I know and alone. I eventually drift off to sleep... after my mind stops going a mile a minute and the worry and anxiety I carry with me finally slip away.
I miss my husband. I miss my best friend. I miss being able to throw some steaks on the grill, open the back patio sliding glass door, and sit around with him and just enjoy one another. I miss having WEEKENDS where we KNEW he didnt have to be to work until Monday morning so we could actually PLAN something. I miss going to bed next to him every night and waking up next to him every morning. I miss laughing and joking and playing with the kids in the yard. We dont have a yard OR a porch any more... so no grilling or playing or anything like that goes on around here. Even if we DID, Frank is rarely here.
I miss my parents! I miss my friends. I miss knowing my surroundings and feeling comfortable. At least in Derby when I needed to load all of the kids up and head to Dillons on my own I knew my way around the store... I knew where EVERYTHING was and could get in and get out. I also always ran into a familiar face, which would brighten my day immensely!
I miss going over to my parents house for dinner and letting the kids run around... watching and enjoying how they interact with Grandma and Grandpa and my brother and sisters.
I miss Grammy bringing over homemade applesauce for the kids and desert she had stayed up making the night before... and then standing on the porch chatting about what was new and what cute things the kids had done that day.
I miss being able to see my brother John and sister Sami and their beautiful little girl Zadie any time I wanted. John and Sami finally moved to Derby, and we packed up and moved away. It breaks my heart. Zadie is growing up so fast and I feel like I am missing it. John and Amanda have been there for EVERY moment for me and my children. I want to be there for them. I love little Zadie as if she were mine.
I miss my baby sister and how we would hang out in the living room at my parents house while the kids slept and drink boxed wine and watch bad television. Always laughing and having fun and being content in just being there for each other.
I miss going out to Franks parents and watching the kids jump on the trampoline and run around in the yard... or enjoying stone-soup Sunday and eating good food and having good conversation.
I miss going to Church and seeing the faces I have seen since I was a child. The familiar hello's and warm smiles that I have come to realize mean more to me than anything. History. Connection. A sense of community. A feeling of belonging. It's important.
I feel rundown and burnt out. I feel like my life is stuck on repeat and that i can break out of the pattern I have found myself in. I feel like the colors in me have gone grey and that I am out of focus.
Needless to say, now that Trey is out of school I will be bringing the kids up to Derby quite often. Something has to change.
We spent the first few years of our marriage barely making ends meet... borrowing money from our parents and struggling to make it on our own. Now that we are in a position where we are financially stable and more independent than I knew it was possible to be... I feel more alone and more disconnected than I have felt in my entire life.
Naturally, when I share my struggles with other people they say "go out and make friends! Go out and meet people! Go out and get involved!"
It's very hard to make friends and meet people when I have two toddlers pulling me in every direction every second of my day. I tried to meet other parents at daycare, but the girls only went for a few weeks because we got them enrolled late in the year. Most of the parents would just drop their kids and leave, so it was hard to get my girls situated and then find people to talk with (without looking creepy!)
I have thought about taking the kids to Church on Sunday mornings or on Wednesday nights, but I am overwhelmed by the idea of trying to wrangle them and chase them all on my own... all the while trying to make friends with the people who would view me as the "crazy lady" with the out of control children. I am so frazzled and worn out every time I try to go out in public that I end up riddled with anxiety. It's exhausting.
I spend all of my time in this apartment with the kids. We have the same routine every day, which usually consists of cleaning and then cleaning some more... laundry, dishes, the usual. Playing with blocks, working on flashcards, watching movies on Netflix. During nap time I throw myself into doing the things I can't focus on when the girls are awake, which is usually more cleaning. I try to hop on the treadmill every now and then... but I usually have stuff that needs to get done during my free time so it trumps the tread.
At night, once the kids go to bed, I sit on the couch (alone) and mess around on facebook. I eventually lock up the house and go to bed. I lay there (alone) in my bed staring at the ceiling, on edge and listening to the sounds the apartment makes. I am always afraid of being here at night with the kids. Blanchard is a small town and I am sure nothing would ever happen, but it sucks being so far away from everyone I know and alone. I eventually drift off to sleep... after my mind stops going a mile a minute and the worry and anxiety I carry with me finally slip away.
I miss my husband. I miss my best friend. I miss being able to throw some steaks on the grill, open the back patio sliding glass door, and sit around with him and just enjoy one another. I miss having WEEKENDS where we KNEW he didnt have to be to work until Monday morning so we could actually PLAN something. I miss going to bed next to him every night and waking up next to him every morning. I miss laughing and joking and playing with the kids in the yard. We dont have a yard OR a porch any more... so no grilling or playing or anything like that goes on around here. Even if we DID, Frank is rarely here.
I miss my parents! I miss my friends. I miss knowing my surroundings and feeling comfortable. At least in Derby when I needed to load all of the kids up and head to Dillons on my own I knew my way around the store... I knew where EVERYTHING was and could get in and get out. I also always ran into a familiar face, which would brighten my day immensely!
I miss going over to my parents house for dinner and letting the kids run around... watching and enjoying how they interact with Grandma and Grandpa and my brother and sisters.
I miss Grammy bringing over homemade applesauce for the kids and desert she had stayed up making the night before... and then standing on the porch chatting about what was new and what cute things the kids had done that day.
I miss being able to see my brother John and sister Sami and their beautiful little girl Zadie any time I wanted. John and Sami finally moved to Derby, and we packed up and moved away. It breaks my heart. Zadie is growing up so fast and I feel like I am missing it. John and Amanda have been there for EVERY moment for me and my children. I want to be there for them. I love little Zadie as if she were mine.
I miss my baby sister and how we would hang out in the living room at my parents house while the kids slept and drink boxed wine and watch bad television. Always laughing and having fun and being content in just being there for each other.
I miss going out to Franks parents and watching the kids jump on the trampoline and run around in the yard... or enjoying stone-soup Sunday and eating good food and having good conversation.
I miss going to Church and seeing the faces I have seen since I was a child. The familiar hello's and warm smiles that I have come to realize mean more to me than anything. History. Connection. A sense of community. A feeling of belonging. It's important.
I feel rundown and burnt out. I feel like my life is stuck on repeat and that i can break out of the pattern I have found myself in. I feel like the colors in me have gone grey and that I am out of focus.
Needless to say, now that Trey is out of school I will be bringing the kids up to Derby quite often. Something has to change.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
[bible]
Today someone posted something on Facebook that sparked an interesting argument. The post read "I need everyone to answer this question: Is a gay dude more of a boy friend or a girl friend." Naturally most of the comments that followed were in jest... but one individual went so far as to say "They are neither. They are nothing but sinners." They also went on to say very hurtful and hateful things, including "i have a seat beside my father in heaven while those faggots burn in hell." Naturally this kid had no idea what he was talking about and sounded way too similar to the WBC nuts. If he truly believes that "his Father in heaven" would consider homosexuality to be a sin... yet "his Father in heaven" would consider the condemnation of a group of people based on an inborn trait to be a cause that should be both prompted and supported by the bible or Christian fundamentals he has another thing coming. Hiding behind a faith you dont even understand because you have hate in your heart and its easier to back up that hate with a passage from a book that teaches of love seems backwards and pathetic.
Most who reference the bible in regards to views on homosexuality refer to the story of Sodom and Gamora. That is the biggest gun they have in their arsenal, and typically they are incorrect in their beliefs that God destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah for homosexual acts. In fact, the city of Sodom had been doomed to destruction long before. Jesus and five Old Testament prophets all speak of the sins that led to the destruction of Sodom -- and not one of them mentions homosexuality. Even Billy Graham doesn't mention homosexuality when he preaches on Sodom. Listen to what Ezekiel 16:48-49 tell us: "This is the sin of Sodom; she and her suburbs had pride, excess of food, and prosperous ease, but did not help or encourage the poor and needy. They were arrogant and this was abominable in God's eyes."
But what does the story of Sodom say about homosexual orientation as we understand it today? Nothing. It was common for soldiers, thieves, and bullies to rape a fallen enemy, asserting their victory by dehumanizing and demeaning the vanquished. This act of raping an enemy is about power and revenge, not about homosexuality or homosexual orientation. When people say "In the bible it says that man should not lay down with a man"... that is in reference to a totally different occurance that has to be kept in context of the time it was written. The sexual act that occurs in the story of Sodom is a gang rape -- and homosexuals oppose gang rape as much as anyone. Again, most people who hide behind the bible to forward their own hateful agenda dont really have a leg to stand on!
Biblical ignorance is an epidemic in the United States. A recent study found that 38 percent of Americans polled were certain the Old Testament was written a few years after Jesus' death. Ten percent believed Joan of Arc was Noah's wife. Many even thought the epistles were the wives of the apostles. (LOL!)
This same kind of biblical ignorance is all too present around the topic of homosexuality. If you read the bible you would realize that Jesus says nothing about same-sex behavior. The Jewish prophets are silent about homosexuality. Only six or seven of the Bible's one million verses refer to same-sex behavior in any way -- and none of these verses refer to homosexual orientation as it's understood today.
Most people who are certain they know what the Bible says about homosexuality don't know where the verses that reference same-sex behavior can be found. They haven't read them, let alone studied them carefully. They don't know the original meaning of the words in Hebrew or Greek. And they haven't tried to understand the historical context in which those words were written. Yet the assumption that the Bible condemns homosexuality is passed down from generation to generation with very little personal study or research. The consequences of this misinformation are disastrous, obviously.
In fact, the Bible accepts sexual practices that we condemn and condemns sexual practices that we accept. Lots of them! Here are a few examples.
DEUTERONOMY 22:13-21
If it is discovered that a bride is not a virgin, the Bible demands that she be executed by stoning immediately.
DEUTERONOMY 22:22
If a married person has sex with someone else's husband or wife, the Bible commands that both adulterers be stoned to death.
MARK 10:1-12
Divorce is strictly forbidden in both Testaments, as is remarriage of anyone who has been divorced.
LEVITICUS 18:19
The Bible forbids a married couple from having sexual intercourse during a woman's period. If they disobey, both shall be executed.
MARK 12:18-27
If a man dies childless, his widow is ordered by biblical law to have intercourse with each of his brothers in turn until she bears her deceased husband a male heir.
DEUTERONOMY 25:11-12
If a man gets into a fight with another man and his wife seeks to rescue her husband by grabbing the enemy's genitals, her hand shall be cut off and no pity shall be shown her.
The list goes on: The Bible says clearly that sex with a prostitute is acceptable for the husband but not for the wife. Polygamy (more than one wife) is acceptable, as is a king's having many concubines. (Solomon, the wisest king of all, had 1,000 concubines.) Slavery and sex with slaves, marriage of girls aged 11-13, and treatment of women as property are all accepted practices in the Scriptures. On the other hand, there are strict prohibitions against interracial marriage, birth control, discussing or even naming a sexual organ, and seeing one's parents nude.
And that is the end of my rant. I am very passionate about the topic if you can't tell.... and I am tired of CHRISTIANS using the bible as a means to forward a hateful agenda. They should be ashamed to claim a faith they dont take the time to understand.
Most who reference the bible in regards to views on homosexuality refer to the story of Sodom and Gamora. That is the biggest gun they have in their arsenal, and typically they are incorrect in their beliefs that God destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah for homosexual acts. In fact, the city of Sodom had been doomed to destruction long before. Jesus and five Old Testament prophets all speak of the sins that led to the destruction of Sodom -- and not one of them mentions homosexuality. Even Billy Graham doesn't mention homosexuality when he preaches on Sodom. Listen to what Ezekiel 16:48-49 tell us: "This is the sin of Sodom; she and her suburbs had pride, excess of food, and prosperous ease, but did not help or encourage the poor and needy. They were arrogant and this was abominable in God's eyes."
But what does the story of Sodom say about homosexual orientation as we understand it today? Nothing. It was common for soldiers, thieves, and bullies to rape a fallen enemy, asserting their victory by dehumanizing and demeaning the vanquished. This act of raping an enemy is about power and revenge, not about homosexuality or homosexual orientation. When people say "In the bible it says that man should not lay down with a man"... that is in reference to a totally different occurance that has to be kept in context of the time it was written. The sexual act that occurs in the story of Sodom is a gang rape -- and homosexuals oppose gang rape as much as anyone. Again, most people who hide behind the bible to forward their own hateful agenda dont really have a leg to stand on!
Biblical ignorance is an epidemic in the United States. A recent study found that 38 percent of Americans polled were certain the Old Testament was written a few years after Jesus' death. Ten percent believed Joan of Arc was Noah's wife. Many even thought the epistles were the wives of the apostles. (LOL!)
This same kind of biblical ignorance is all too present around the topic of homosexuality. If you read the bible you would realize that Jesus says nothing about same-sex behavior. The Jewish prophets are silent about homosexuality. Only six or seven of the Bible's one million verses refer to same-sex behavior in any way -- and none of these verses refer to homosexual orientation as it's understood today.
Most people who are certain they know what the Bible says about homosexuality don't know where the verses that reference same-sex behavior can be found. They haven't read them, let alone studied them carefully. They don't know the original meaning of the words in Hebrew or Greek. And they haven't tried to understand the historical context in which those words were written. Yet the assumption that the Bible condemns homosexuality is passed down from generation to generation with very little personal study or research. The consequences of this misinformation are disastrous, obviously.
In fact, the Bible accepts sexual practices that we condemn and condemns sexual practices that we accept. Lots of them! Here are a few examples.
DEUTERONOMY 22:13-21
If it is discovered that a bride is not a virgin, the Bible demands that she be executed by stoning immediately.
DEUTERONOMY 22:22
If a married person has sex with someone else's husband or wife, the Bible commands that both adulterers be stoned to death.
MARK 10:1-12
Divorce is strictly forbidden in both Testaments, as is remarriage of anyone who has been divorced.
LEVITICUS 18:19
The Bible forbids a married couple from having sexual intercourse during a woman's period. If they disobey, both shall be executed.
MARK 12:18-27
If a man dies childless, his widow is ordered by biblical law to have intercourse with each of his brothers in turn until she bears her deceased husband a male heir.
DEUTERONOMY 25:11-12
If a man gets into a fight with another man and his wife seeks to rescue her husband by grabbing the enemy's genitals, her hand shall be cut off and no pity shall be shown her.
The list goes on: The Bible says clearly that sex with a prostitute is acceptable for the husband but not for the wife. Polygamy (more than one wife) is acceptable, as is a king's having many concubines. (Solomon, the wisest king of all, had 1,000 concubines.) Slavery and sex with slaves, marriage of girls aged 11-13, and treatment of women as property are all accepted practices in the Scriptures. On the other hand, there are strict prohibitions against interracial marriage, birth control, discussing or even naming a sexual organ, and seeing one's parents nude.
And that is the end of my rant. I am very passionate about the topic if you can't tell.... and I am tired of CHRISTIANS using the bible as a means to forward a hateful agenda. They should be ashamed to claim a faith they dont take the time to understand.
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