Monday, April 11, 2011

[falling in love every day]

Falling slowly... deeply, gently, finally. He did run, like a snail across the hot pavement toward shade; writhing on the journey as if he had been salted. Little did he know, or want to admit, that it was sugar I was sprinkling. Sugar that had been filtered through me; my history. All the pieces of my lifes journey.

I had stood with open palms cupped to the universe for so long it seemed. Always empty handed at the end of the day. Finally, without warning, a snow like shower floated down and somehow streamed into my heart and my eyes. I wasn't at all sure of how or why. I welcomed it.

The message carried within the granules was just what my mother had always tried to persuade me into believing. "You catch more flies with honey." I'd always replied that I wasn't interested in catching flies, but now I know the true meaning of the phrase.

Time is standing still for a moment and yet hope manages to greet me daily, abounding with light... gleaming wakefulness and joy into my immediate focus. It's so beautiful to behold. It's like I've begun again. Another phase. Another chapter. Another breathtaking dawn. 

I didn't know what it would be like in adulthood for me to drift about freely in this state of perpetual bewilderment, and I find myself surprised at how the plateaus I'd imagined are so much more enveloping than I had ever dreamed. Perhaps it's because in youth we know all things are fleeting... or at least I did... and though seemingly intense and important, the shallowness was always evident if you looked hard enough.

Now I feel a sense... a need... for permanence. Given this opportunity I plan to put one foot forward toward such. But why now? Why this energy? Is it a choice or am I simply following the path set for me that I didn't notice until now? It doesn't matter anyway, because I'm in the current... flowing, smiling, wondering, planning, and dreaming.

I'm taking each moment in like a breath of fresh air and committing it to memory, even though I know that future memories will bury those that mean so much right now... these things which seem so unforgettable. I greet the future. I greet the future with all of its lack of form, questions, and uncertainty. Hope is in my eyes and I'm glad it's spreading. Light is emerging in the darkened corners of my hidden self to reveal a brilliant future I had not imagined.

Even though it has me feeling a little shaken, this is what I've come to know as natural intoxication! I'm excited in a way I've never been before. Despite all pitfalls and bumps in the road, everything is groovy; peachy, hunky dory, cool. I know very well and good that my doubt has gone on hiatus... and perhaps it has permanently evacuated the building. One can only hope.

Only time unwinds the mind so that in an instant we find ourselves outside of the walls we've spent years putting up... both inside and out. Sometimes this happens with our permission, but more often that not it happens without our even knowing. Time crumbles who we were... and somehow we reshape and then are new, yet not completely void of our past or history.

I'm smelling daffodils that aren't in season and vistas of some places not yet seen by my eyes. I'm imagining all the things that are becoming a part of me... all that is wholesome, far from mundane. I'm thinking millions... no trillions... of kisses and a hand to hold mine every day.

I pray to whoever (or whatever) may hear me. I pray for infinite understanding. I've no plans for letting go of what I've finally wrapped my fingers around, and I feel a strange sense of communion with a hundred forces I never new existed, and a connection with all things I may or may not understand. 

I steer clear of expectations because I don't like disappointment. I wonder if all love is heaven sent. Though my heart races and butterflies fill up all of my inner spaces, I've not resisted... yet only hoped that my 'whirling dervish' hasn't been too much for most to handle. And it seems not, much to my surprise.

From lover... to something or other... to loved. Surely love cultivates in a variety of fashions. I don't dare complain as long as we continue to perpetuate the possibilities. I yearn to keep absent all hostilities and to stay true to the path I've so elegantly began to tread. I'll keep on being an illuminated star... the best way I know how. 

1 comment:

  1. And this is my last for a while. *WHEW* I feel like a new person!!! Frank is amazing for allowing me the time today to write... and write... and write. My fingers hurt but my heart is happy.