Friday, April 15, 2011

[who i used to be]

A while ago I decided to delete my myspace account... only to realize that the email I used to create my myspace account is no longer active, and myspace won't allow me to delete the account without verifying the delete through my email. *Sigh* Needless to say, my myspace page is still up and running *even though I never update it or use it!*

Any way, I realized that i had roughly 150+ blog entries on that account, and in order to delete the blog entries, you have to go through and delete each one individually. Most of the entries are from between five to eight years ago. Last night I started reading through some of them, and it really gave me some perspective as to where I was then and where I am now. I am going to actually share something I wrote roughly 6 years ago (circa 2005.) -I apologize in advance for the profanity.-

"i have to let this out. i am feeling very angry today. im soaking in it. first of all... i am ripping out this death wish that i have been dragging beneath my teeth for years. my soul is telling me to get the fuck over myself and to stop romancing death. drop the shell out of my thought revolver. no bullshit. really. im asking myself what the fuck was i doing all this time wasting seconds on nonexisting when i have a million reasons to walk around in this sphere with my head up. im going to bounce myself out of my personal pity party... but in the process im totally questioning every heartstring being plucked right now. like a spiderweb that has been walked through... the remains hang limp and stuck together in unrecognizable clumps. i dont know who i am right now. unrecognizable when i close my eyelids. when i woke up in the middle of the night... i unwrapped my arms from around my pillow and sat in front of the mirror... and there i was. i stared. me. yesterdays mascara smeared. black circles. broken out. swollen. bed head. and i knew me for a minute. i eventually drifted back into dreamless sleep all alone. time clicks on and minutes are relieving.
i love.
i love love.
i loved this love. 
i love love
what i have realized is that it is time to ditch this self destruction. to not kill myself just because i can. i don't want to stay miserable because i know i am good at it. just because i can make a bigger mess of things doesnt mean i should sell my gold for mold. discard the priceless as if it were disposable. overlook the pearl and chase the neon lights. it takes a strong want to discard that kind of destruction. it takes courage to build something that i can lose. to love myself. to pass over the instant gratification for something that i really want to hope for. to look with compassion instead of picking the faults out. to live free. free from harm. not reckless. but a well orchestrated beautiful mess."

I have always been a passionate, spontaneous, and emotionally driven person. I haven't always made the best decisions, and i've been in some pretty dark places... but I attribute my ability to see things from different perspectives and to appreciate the beauty and light in things to the struggles and demons I faced when I was younger.

I realize now that growing up is a strange thing. you can grow up suddenly in a space of a few days or slowly and steadily through a space of years. you never know. and when the change happens... you can never go back, nor would you want to. priorities change. values change. you start to want different things.

i made the decision several times throughout my younger years to make a change, but I usually always fell back onto old habits. I made the FINAL decision to head down a different life path around 5 years ago, and I realized then that what used to turn me on just didnt do it for me anymore. it wasn't that I was 'sick' of myself... it was actually the fact that I was learning how to LoVE myself. I was not so willing to throw myself into dangerous situations or damage myself to get somewhere i was not even sure i wanted to go. I'd had years of reckless abandon... but I got to a point that when i looked around me i recognized the demons and destruction. i'd gotten to know them first hand. i'd done the drugs. i'd thrown the punches. i was tired of the chaos that surrounded me and the constant static in my mind, and I was ready to fall in love with my life.

I learned who i was not anymore, who i didnt want to become, and what i really wanted for my future. It was no longer attractive to me to picture my life as a gypsy on the road with a broken heart... or some other bullshit that i read in a book that would kill my boredom. i wanted a much bigger life than that. What WAS important was that i stop worrying and enjoy my life again, the right way... and that i learn to have fun doing the things that i love to do. I finally figured out that life was too short to be living the way I had been living.

i was anxious and excited to redefine what i was doing and to begin the next phase of what i hoped to become a very big life filled with all of the things i cared about. i felt that in that moment that I was walking from one room to the next and shutting the door behind me... and the demons and mistakes and scars that were left in that room could no longer hurt me!

I retired the girl who woke up wondering where she was, still reeling from the night before. I retired the girl who put chemicals into her body and became so disconnected that the only way to ease the pain was to become more disconnected. I retired the girl who kept drama in her life so that she wouldnt have to feel anything. I retired the girl who played different characters in order to be what she thought people wanted. I retired the girl who gave herself to too many people who didnt deserve her. 
I retired the angry screaming terror. I retired the jaded girl who didnt believe in anything or anyone. I retired the girl who was careless with people and didnt take responsibility. I retired the girl who would destroy everything and leave everything in ruin. I left them behind.

*the wild wreck who slept in her makeup and had too many lovers and ran away faster than the gingerbread man... as if destruction were somehow glamorous. the darkly depressed girl who thought she was so much more complicated than anyone would ever understand. afraid of being plain. the fighter. the one that would burn you down. the one you didnt want to piss off. the one who survived anything. the razor sharp mouth. the anger. I didn't need them anymore... 

my life became beautiful because i LET it be beautiful and i allowed it to happen... and i took all the good lessons of hard work, patience, passion, fire, and faith with me. i opened my heart to God, my family, my son, my self. I let beauty flow into me and I made the conscious decision to focus on all of things I should have been focussing on all along, and I forgave myself.

Roughly a year after I started doing the inventory on my life, I was reconnected with Frank, who I was friends with in highschool. I was in a place in my life that allowed me to experience love the way it should be experienced. Two hearts sharing the dream of raising a family and spending forever with one another. I owe a lot of my recent self-discovery to my wonderful husband. I love my franky lee for helping me to continue to see myself in such a positive light and for giving me the opportunity to NOT have to fight and to remember how to be peaceful and happy. (the right guy will always build you up and support you. only the shitheads will ask you to compromise yourself. trust me ive done my time in that jail cell.)

Sometimes it's good to look back and remember where I was. It's amazing to see the changes God has made in my life, and the changes I have made for myself. I will never forget where i came from, but my eyes are set on the present and the future... and the beauty of the life I am blessed to be living.

And here is a poem I wrote *circa 2004* just for good measure :) I think I might leave that old myspace blog up (at least until I can copy and paste everything. It's such a shame to see all of those thoughts and feelings be deleted forever.)

i mixed up rum, tequila, and whiskey
and ran around on eight drunken legs;
firefighting with a rubber hose thrown over my shoulder.
those little girl pyros with no clothes on

and too many tattoos were lighting matches again;
i wanted you to see my fire... not their inviting smoke.
we suck on cigarettes and tobacco lips with whiskey breath...
and i keep asking where your boundary is so i can knock it down.
you have to have a button somewhere that i shouldn't push;
a big red shiny one.
im begging for disobedience;
dragging my nails across my legs through my jeans to my skin...
disgustingly sick with love and wondering why the sidewalk is wavy.
i want to say all the things that i should never say
so you can write them down
and shove the scraps of paper into your pockets.
those sorts of things keep you warm when the winter winds blow here year 'round...
and i see all sorts of kids limping around on frostbitten limbs...
so i warm my skin at your hearth 'til it feels like hot paper.
i eat your words like food to keep soulless anorexia from chewing on my bones...
and in the middle of the night, shaken by dreams, i lay stunned by your beauty;
sleeping still in the silver midnight light
with the candles shaking our shadows all over the walls.
my hands crawling all over yours. a finger spider embrace. i love you.

1 comment:

  1. Well, I guess you are well on your way to having continued happiness and peace. Drama and uproar are so over rated.